Monday, January 2, 2017

BABY'S 1ST CHRISTMAS

“…Whatever makes you happy,
Whatever you want,
You're so fucking special,
You're so very special…”
Creep by Radiohead
It’s been said a million times over that 2016 sucked. We lost countless cultural icons, most of them too early in their big, impactful lives. I was upset by so many of them but mainly Prince, David Bowie & George Michael because they defied the definition of masculinity (and were amazing, influential artists). 
I’m going to be honest with you. If you read my blog on the regular, you are probably aware that from January 2016 (& preceding) to the end of July 2016 I was conceivably at my lowest disconsolate frame of mind ever. I was using all of the drugs I could get my hands on, drinking regularly until blacking out, falling constantly & finally breaking my two front teeth & getting a black eye. I could not get out of bed unless to get fucked up (self-medicate/forget everything) or to go to ballgames. I refused to go back into the psychiatric hospital for several private/inane reasons. Again I will say that I know my social media pages were smokescreens that looked like I had a fabulous life that could’ve fooled the CIA. I was dead inside. All I wanted was for my friends and family to understand that it was never a lack of love for/from them but I was living in a never ending nightmare that had been ruining my life on & off for twenty-seven years. When I’m sick, rationale is completely out of my reach, making it extremely difficult for the people who love me & take care of me. 
Winter (more specifically the holidays) has always been the most difficult time of year for me. I love my family very much but was so anxiety ridden that I’d have to take 4 Ativan & at least 4-5 glasses of wine to get through functions. Every year on Christmas Day (for approximately the past 10 years) I have volunteered at a homeless shelter. My intentions were not altruistic. I needed a valid excuse to stay away from my loving family. 
As you may or may not know, at the end of July I had reached the end of my fraying rope. My shrink & I had many conversations about what we could do, & they would have to be extreme measures i.e. Electroshock therapy again, a long hospital stay again, etc. I agreed with her, knowing in my heart I was just going to go home and commit suicide. If you by chance read my LAST blog post, you know that divine intervention interceded with my heinous affairs. JUST IN TIME. I understand that globally it’s been a horrific year and I refuse to remind you of all of the cataclysms. I really don’t want to vaunt (there have been tragedies in my family as well) but the past five months of my life have been something to behold. I never thought it was possible. I never thought I’d live to see 30, let alone 40. It’s been miraculous. This is not an upswing. This is remission. I'm no longer impaired by suicidal ideation. I’m rational. I’m glad to wake up in the morning instead of sighing to myself, that “there goes another prayer unanswered”. 
Again, it’s been 5 months. The best 5 months of my life that I can recall. Nothing drastic changed- I didn’t get a boyfriend (though not to brag... but I did get some D), I didn’t come into money, I lost out on some (acting) gigs that I desperately wanted… but I’m normal. I’m happy.
This holiday season was the best of my life (even when I was a small child, it was expected of me to “ruin” Christmas, one way or another). From the age of four until today, I have always been a complete brat. (I’m not being self-deprecating. Ask anyone who knows me well. It actually adds to my charm.) This holiday season, I celebrated with elation. I went to every party I was invited to, got dressed up, and fully enjoyed myself at each and every event (Sadly, I did not volunteer this year. Jerky? Selfish? Maybe. Joy? YES.) I just very much wanted to celebrate with the people I love, for once. Sans booze, alcohol, recreational drugs or even benzos. I met wonderful people and made new friends. I talked to everyone in my extended family instead of hiding in a corner, engaging solely with my iPhone. I (tried? think?) called everyone of my friends around the planet whom I deeply care about. (If I forgot about you friend, I’m sorry!) It (obviously) wasn’t about gifts (although I did get some pretty dope ones) It was about sharing love and laughs and memories and creating new ones. I could not have been happier or more grateful. It was beautiful. I’ve said before that I never knew that life could be this way, so magnificent and auspicious. I certainly never thought I would ever enjoy the holiday season- unless I was on a beach, alone, very far away, with a swim-up bar. (The bar doesn’t really apply anymore since I’ve been sober for 9 months, 2 weeks, 8 hours & 33 minutes. I’m not psychotic (anymore) I have a sobriety app.)
So 2016 did suck shit for the 1st 7 months. It was marvelous for the last 5 (again, speaking personally, not globally). My heart felt like it might burst out of my ribcage from elation.

I don’t mean to sound like a sentimental dick. Things change when you least expect it. Life can be wonderful. If you are able to fill your heart & mind with love (which unfortunately many people are not capable of doing) I promise you it will come back to you in droves. Everyday is different (obviously) & really shitty matters happen to all of us. BELIEVE ME, I never thought I would say this either. If you (can) demand the best of yourself and surround yourself with people who demand the best of you, you are one lucky fucker. Godspeed.