Tuesday, July 29, 2014


“All children, except one, grow up.”
 J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan
I just came across a note I wrote about 4.5 years ago… let me share it with you here, word-for-word:

11 things I learned in 2009:
1. sometimes, the dude you love actually does come back to you, & it can be better than you even knew.
2. charm will get you invited to the party, but it won't get you a seat at the table.
3. positive thinking genuinely works.
4. i'm really, really scared to quit smoking.
5. in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make. for realsies.
6. the truth will set you free. it may piss you off at first, but it WILL set you free.
7. trust can be restored.
8. i love the present more than i love the past.
9. i always trust my gunt, instead of my gut.
10. i judge people who are judgmental.
11. i'm getting better with age. (so imagine how shitty i was BEFORE!!!!)

I realize I’m an ageist. How could I have known so much then & feel like I know so little now? Can I still be scared to quit smoking? (To be fair I’ve quit all of the other fun stuff I my life i.e. drinking, drugs, etc… so I could let myself off the hook a little bit longer, I suppose- but not forever.) Was I wiser in my youth? Back then I knew I was bipolar & I was struggling with addiction but it wasn’t at the forefront of my mind. I had no idea what life had in store for me. I never would’ve guessed 5 years down the line what my life would look like. That dude would be gone, I would get very sick & be in treatment for a long while, my career would veer in the direction of writing rather than performing.
I keep a journal & I always have. I’ve always fantasized, when I buy a new blank book that I might be able to open it & see what’s scribbled in it- to be able to peak into the future to see what’s in store for me. I know it’s important to live for today, but I’m the most impatient person you know- I can’t even wait to master the skill of patience.
Part of me feels like an idiot for my cluelessness & idealism of my “youth”. These past 5 years of my life have been the most difficult to endure. I often feel like I’m trying to climb Mount Everest & there’s a mean old man with cleats on who keeps kicking me down to the base. Don’t get me wrong: there have been a lot of laughs, successes & love over the past half-decade, but let’s be truthful here: I’ve been terribly sick & tried to off myself more than once. What the hell does the next 5 years have to offer? Recently while looking at a decade-old photograph of myself & my 2 best friends, 1 of them & I were talking about how much things had changed. I was JUST starting my hand at stand-up comedy. I was still romantically entangled with whom I thought was the man who would be my husband. My parents weren’t even divorced or remarried yet (they were separated). I could drink & use to my heart’s content. I went dancing & partying almost every night of the week. I guess life can’t stay the same forever. Eventually you have to grow up.
The question is, am I ready to? Do I want to?