Monday, May 16, 2016

YOU WANT TO ANTAGONIZE ME? ANTAGONIZE ME, MOTHER-FUCKER.

“When I get mad and I get pissed
I grab my pen and I write out a list
Of all the people that won’t be missed
You’ve made my shitlist”
Shitlist- by L7

I have a lot of displaced anger lately. If you know me at all, then you know it’s very rare for me to get fucking MAD. Sad, annoyed, anxious, hurt, and rattled for certain… but mad isn’t an emotion that I’ve felt in a very long time. Even when my ex-boyfriend cheated on me, I felt a weird kind of empathy for him.
Approximately three weeks ago, I yelled at someone in anger. It was a construction worker who hit my sister’s car with his hand because he thought she was driving too fast. I opened my window and screamed at him that we were trying to get to the hospital to see my father (which was true). I was so taken aback by my own fury that I started to cry. I haven’t yelled in anger for (at least) over a decade that I can think of. Since then, it’s like a floodgate of rage is spilling out of me. I don’t know where it’s coming from and it’s very confusing and upsetting.
I, like every other human being, have issues and circumstances that I’ve had to overcome. By no means do think I’m over all of these issues, but I had no idea how much infuriation I have, that had been hiding in some deep fold of my being. Everyday there are reasons to get mad. Politics, misogyny, discrimination and homophobia are the ones that come to my mind first.  I see it all over every type of media, but I never really let it get to me. Even when the man who raped me requested my Facebook friendship, I was just confused… not mad. Maybe it’s my age, maybe I’ve just had enough, and perhaps I’m just done being “nice”. I’m fucking MAD. I can’t seem to control it, and it’s coming out in ways that aren’t appropriate and directed at people who don‘t deserve it. I nearly de-friended people who I actually CARE about who publically stated that Bautista had that punch coming yesterday. I had to get off all of social media last night because I was FURIOUS about how that baseball game played out (if you don't know what I'm talking about, look it up). I was sure that I’d wake up and be over it, but I’m still mad AF. It’s a sport! Intellectually I know it’s meant for entertainment and I need to calm the fuck down. But I can’t seem to.  It’s like fire is running through my veins and I myself am ready to take a swing at someone’s face. This is SO uncharacteristic of me. I don’t condone violence in any form and yet.
I really don’t understand what’s wrong with me. If you read my blog, you know that the past five years haven’t been the easiest for me. That said, I have everything to be grateful for. I have everything that a person could ever need or want. I understand that I suffer from a chronic disease that makes me ill a lot of the time and I try to manage it to the best of my ability. Maybe I’ve been grieving and I’m simply at the “anger” stage. Depression and acceptance should be next up, but I thought I’d covered those already. This is all obviously an indication that something is wrong.

I’m even angry with this post. I know I can be more articulate, but I’m too ill-tempered. I can’t even express myself properly. I’m unleashing it on the world, but that won’t make it go away. I feel like a child who’s being punished. I thought that I had developed adequate emotional resources to understand my emotions, but I clearly haven’t. Maybe I’m trying to be less vulnerable. It’s a cover-up. It’s self-righteous. It’s lame. 
And I’m mad as hell that my anger won’t just go away.