Monday, August 18, 2014


“…My heart should be well-schooled
'Cause I've been fooled in the past
But still I fall in love too easily
I fall in love too fast.”
-Chet Baker

I’ve been dating. A lot. I’ve been seeing more men at one time than I ever have in my life. It should be fun, it should be exciting… but it’s making me feel like shit. I know the reason why I’m doing it, & I know the reason I feel so crappy about it.
I’m going about it all wrong. Yes, I’m horny & I love to get laid. If you read my blog, you know that’s been firmly established. There’s more to it than that.
I think I may be using these men as a distraction from some real shit I have to deal with- the same way I use booze/drugs, facebook/twitter & even watching shitty television. I’m not trying to crucify myself- I know we all need ways to unwind & breathe easy- but lately in my free time all I do is dudes. If I’m not out on a date with one, then I’m texting another. If I’m not sleeping with one then I’m making out with someone else.
I really don’t know why, but lately I’ve been receiving a lot more male-attention than I’m used to. I’m not bragging, it’s just the truth. I’ve always done okay for myself but in the past few months, men have been really going for it with me. (I realize the vaunt of this post may easily put an end to that…) My girlfriends can’t keep track of my courting roguery anymore.
I’m trying to look at my problem objectively: Why am I so caught up with men? What is it exactly that I’m trying to achieve in my romantic life?
I’m afraid right now it’s about distraction & validation. Neither am I proud to admit that the reason the multitude is so that I don’t get too attached to one single man. Because the thing is, I actually really like some of the guys that I’m seeing. Why should that be so scary? The idea that maybe our relationship could go somewhere real? Why does the idea of a real commitment with someone make me want to shit my pants?
I keep trying to protect my heart but all of the while I’m doing everything to break it.