“Perfect reason flees all extremity, and leads one to be wise with sobriety.”
I don’t want to be a mess.
I insidiously dropped the bomb in my last post that I’ve been drinking again. I never cared much for sobriety. It helped me so much and it saved my life but I resented it the whole time. I never felt comfortable with it & deep down inside I knew I’d always come back. It left me “happier” (meaning not suicidal) yet unmotivated. It allowed me to make good choices & the right decisions but I couldn’t write a joke. I tried to right wrongs & clean up my life but it left me boring and anxious at parties or social gatherings. I met some amazing people & made some great friends through sobriety & I’m hoping they still like me now that I’ve gone back out.
I’m in a good place. I made the decision weeks before it actually happened. A lot of people would now tell me that I should’ve been going to 12-step meetings at that point. Maybe they’re right. But I’m okay. I think. There have two occasions where I know I had too much to drink, but I’m still figuring it out. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t nice to sit over a steak dinner with friends & order a nice red wine. It was fun cheersing at midnight on New Year’s Eve with champagne. It was nice to get silly.
I stayed sober for a long time out of fear. Fear of losing everything good I had recovered throughout my sobriety. My solidified friendships, my strong family-bond. My job, my show option, my resuming comedy career… I was afraid that if I picked up a drink, it would send me down the rabbit-hole. So far, so good. It’s important to me to stay healthy, otherwise I will lose all afore mentioned blessings.
Anybody I’ve told seems to have an opinion about it. Mostly people are supportive while being worried at the same time. What could this lead to?
I don’t blame them. It is after all, the exact same way I feel about it.
Some of you might ask, Why bother? Sobriety seemed to be working for you…
Look, I’m writing a blog post that I care about right now. I didn’t do that sober, unless 1/10. Did I even write 10 blog posts during my sobriety? I used sobriety as an excuse to let myself off the hook for several self-induced deficiencies: getting anything productive done. Being creative. Taking chances. I was “getting sober”. I AND YOU should be grateful.
Maybe I didn’t give it enough of a chance. I have a tendency to do that with most important concepts.
I guess we’ll find out eventually.