“It's strange how pain marks our faces,
and makes us look like family.”
-Stephen King, The Green Mile
Like a normal I
used to be afraid of things that might kill me. Standing too close to the arriving subway, falling off great
heights, fights on the LA city-bus, etc. As of last September, none of these
intimidating events even startle me anymore. Since my blood seems to consist of
silver- meaning I cannot die (multiple suicide attempts, flat-lining for 2
minutes, coma, heart-attack due to anaphylaxis, 3x pneumothorax…) it may seem natural
that death doesn’t frighten me. Contrary to semi-popular belief, I am still
human & I still lived with fear caused by life-threatening situations. Not
anymore, as it seems. I mean, I’m still human (I think) but the heaviness that being afraid of dying creates seems to have
been lifted.
When I’m walking
home at night and I’m convinced the man behind me is a rapist/murderer I’m not
afraid. He will do what he can, and so will I. Thus will be my fate. When I’m
not paying attention & standing too close to the yellow-line in the subway
station & the train whips by my head, I am not scared that I might be
decapitated. My beautiful head will be gone and there’s not much any of us can
do about that. When I cross the street and a car turns without looking out for
pedestrians, am I shaken? No. I feel I am fearless when it comes to death. This
isn’t any kind of dark, depressing will to end my life. Only to say that
eventually it will end, as it does.
In my experience,
pain has a way of shutting my brain off. I’m not speaking of dull, chronic
pain. I’m talking about instant, tortuous agony. I haven’t figured out if this
is due to Zen mastery, or if my brain is simply been trained to alter its
activity during times of extreme paroxysm. The last tattoo I got didn’t hurt me
at all. I watched the needles fueled with ink drill into my skin and I only watched,
not feeling an ounce of discomfort.
I should tell you
that this phenomenon within me has become clear since I underwent
electroconvulsive therapy. My sister thinks it may have something to do with
the dark places my brain has escaped to during that time. I think she may be
onto something.
If you have lost
someone you love & are afraid they may have suffered when they went, they
may have. I am here to tell you that although one’s body may respond with the
appropriate reflex it isn’t necessarily what one’s mind is experiencing.
You might be
crying, kicking and screaming, and you may still feel nothing. I hope this
finds you comforted & not dispirited.
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