Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Bet On Black. & If That Doesn't Work, Bet On Red.

If I wasn’t ME, but knew me as an outside entity- I would have money on me screwing this up. There’s a good chance some comics I know- & maybe even some normal people- are already pooling on my defeat. If they were smart, they would be. Obviously, if they are, I can’t know about it. I could easily cut some deals with some of my girlfriends. Let’s just say, it’s week 2, & I feel like I’m dying inside. Not because I'm missing dudes, but because of the enormity I feel this project endues. Everyone seems so floored by the idea. Now many people know about it. So I feel a certain responsibility to the readers, as opposed to just myself. I think that's probably a good thing. It heightens the stakes. So gamble on, jerk-faces.

I just had a really inspiring talk with my cab-driver. He told me to tell myself everyday that I am strong. Not to pretend, but to KNOW it. He told me to take the money I spend on booze & smokes & give it to charity. He told me to be the absolute BEST version of myself that I can be. I nodded enthusiastically, told him from now on, I was going to be my most honorable self. I wonder how proud of me he would be to know that once out of his cab I came home, smoked a joint, turned on “The Bachelorette”, dove into some chips & salsa, had a glass of wine & lit a cigarette? (My “diet” is clearly not going amazing…) At 1st I thought he was just self-righteous. I’d LIKE to believe he saw something in me, that he could expect great things. He told me he has THREE jobs: cab-driver, mechanic, & carpenter. He wakes up at 9am daily, & comes home from work at 2am. To make myself feel better, I reminded myself that he has kids & a wife (which he told me about). I guess he doesn’t have a lot of choice BUT to work his ass off(unless he is a complete dirtbag). He wasn’t trying to make me feel badly about MY life, he was simply trying to inspire me. I wonder why he thought/knew I needed that exact kind of encouragement? Maybe he just wanted a fat tip. Maybe I’m easy to talk/brag to. Maybe it was divine intervention. Either way, I woke up with a renewed sense of purpose. Right after my morning coffee & cigarette, I’m going to be A1 all day. So, thanks, Muhammad. It seems you really ARE the messenger & prophet of God. Big ups to my cabbie, tonight. And PS. I DID tip him well. Taxi-drivers work hard.


Justin Beach said...

Jumping Jesus on a pogo-stick.

Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. Don't feel an obligation to the readers. You should know by now that the only thing you can/should do for the audience is your best. The audience simply doesn't have much invested and, even with comedy and acting, if you aren't doing it for you - there are easier ways to make a living.

My personal approach to life in general is that I get up in the morning (a.m. being completely optional) and do my best today. Some days I do really well, some days not so much but every day I start over and try again and don't put much thought into how I did yesterday (either way) or what tomorrow might be like.

Do what makes you happy - and if you are depriving yourself of anything you want for the sake of the people who are reading this you should ditch the whole thing right now. None of us have anything but a little time invested.

claire elyse said...

i know what you mean,JB. more than anything, i'm doing this for me. i love the support of the readers- but i'd be doing this WITH, or WITHOUT it!

Lisa said...

Hi Claire, I support you in your endeavour. I did the same thing. Well, okay not the SAME same thing. I lay in bed falling asleep after bringing in the new year (alone) again and realized that 2009 had been a totally man-free, sex-free year. Yikes. Had it really been that long? It turned out to be an 18 month dry spell...somewhat deliberate. Then I fell in love with a guy with a criminal record and apparent drinking problem. I ended that. So...my point was that it's easier to look retrospectively on that rather than ahead as you are doing so..courage! We teach other people how to treat us. I've made some bad "man-decisions" over the years and ended up feeling cheated and regretful (all my own doing).

claire elyse said...

lisa, we live & learn. thanks for the comment! and ps. i think i've also fallen in love with that guy.

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