Thursday, June 10, 2010

Blame it on a a a a a alcohol

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m ovulating, but I’m feeling extremely libidinous. Luckily for me, I’m currently surrounded by some of my closest girlfriends to keep me in line (in regards to dudes) but steer me in the direction of ultimate douchebaggery in all other areas. In other words, I’m having a great weekend. There’s been some great shows, & even better inside jokes & partying. Over the weekend, I’ve noticed that the “NO FLIRTING” rule almost impossible to uphold. One of my besties who’s here with me, “TM”, thinks that particular rule is not realistic. I think she may be right. Talking & hanging out with my male friends & colleagues, we sometimes have racy conversations. Even though they are friends of mine, & I know we’re not going to hook up, it’s still difficult to draw the line. Being flirtatious is so congenital for me… I’m beginning to realize I’m a chronic flirt. Changing that would be to change my personality. One of my goals with year-long-dude-cleanse is that I stay the same person. Live the same life, but with no romantic love. I think I’m going to have to figure out the line I cannot cross. Maybe I can’t have seducing conversations with men I’ve never met, yet? That would obviously be bad. But with men I know, the men with whom I’ve ALWAYS had that type of relationship with- if I change it now, where do we go from here? It would be interesting to find out, but also weird & uncomfortable. Not that sex & flirtation is what our mutual affinity revolves around, but still… maybe if I keep my true feelings to myself- if I really DO care about the guy (in a sexy-time way), I’ll keep it to myself. Beyond that, it’s harmless?
There’s one man particular (man X) who’ve I’ve been lusting after since we met. I’ve never pursued it, because I know how badly it would end, & I really do enjoy our “friendship”. This weekend has proved a real exercise in restraint for me. Man X is here- meaning we’ve been hanging out together day & night. I’ve fantasized about him often. He may actually be one of my go-to day-(wet)dream. I have my own hotel room. So does he. Late nights. Drinks. Laughs. I can’t believe I’ve never revealed my “sinful” (tee-hee!) feelings for him. Now I can’t until May 18th, 2011. In a way, I hope I NEVER tell him. In a way, I hope we NEVER hook up. I hope we can just keep the/my fire alive & don’t spoil the reverie. I always secretly look forward to seeing him. I would hate it if I secretly dreaded seeing him, which is what so often happens after sleeping with or even just MAKING OUT with peers. I think if I can get through this weekend without accosting him at 5am whilst tipsy, then rest of this year will seemingly be more than just a fantastic notion.
PS. I TOLD you I was boy-crazy!!!


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