Monday, June 21, 2010

She's A Trichotillomaniac.

I’ve had this terrible habit for most of my life, of pulling the hair out of my eyebrow. It drives my bestie in LA crazy. Mostly because it means my hand is covering my face as I do it, I end up with a weirdo bald-spot where my (right) eyebrow should be. I usually create a scab there that I perpetually pick at. The addiction comes in waves. I could (and have) gone for MONTHS without picking at my face. Once I start, for the next week or two, my hand is incessantly reaching for my brow. Those close to me get extremely annoyed & upset with my obsession. I can’t explain WHY I do it, but I can tell you I really like how it feels. It relaxes me. Even when it begins to bleed or hurt- I continue on, picking. It begets itself. I can’t let it have a chance to heal. The more open my wound, the better it feels to expose it. When I go out, I overdose on make-up to cover it up, but by the end of the day/night, I’ve successfully disarmed my visage of cover-up, & it’s up to the public to see my deformity. (They seem grossed-out, but part of me thinks they’re jealous- I have no explanation for this theory…)
It’s an impulse control disorder. Doctors say it’s because of low self-esteem, & a strong stress-related component. Apparently it also has to do with post-traumatic-stress-disorder. I don’t remember when or how exactly this hair-pulling business began, but I’ve always been a little crazy. I’m not surprised in ways my lunacy manifests itself. I guess I’m just grateful I’m not a murderer or a hoarder.
Yanking my face hair off of my head mirrors the way I treat my spiritual being. It’s so upsetting! I induce the wound. I aggravate it until it pains me. It’s trying desperately to heal itself, but I wont let it. It looks so ugly. Otherwise, I could have relatively flawless skin. Do you see what I’m getting at here, people? Are you getting the metaphor? WHY DO I WRECK EVERYTHING GOOD IN MY LIFE?!? If you only knew how RIGODDAMNEDICULOUSLY GOOD it feels to pluck those little hairs out between my fingernails. If you, (my friends who reprimand me) could just FEEL the little jolt of comfort & diversion & blood, you would stop slapping my hand off of my face, & start picking at your own. In truth- I’m so glad my friends don’t have this bizarre habit. It doesn’t look good. Inside or out.


jhorvat said...

:( I used to do this when I was younger too... I can see how it can be a reaction to stress or low self-esteem, who doesn't wrestle with those demons every now and then. Seems like I’ve always gone from one relationship to the next, quantity over quality seems like a good description.
What you're doing is really commendable (You’re pretty amazing actually!) and I think you've already taken the hardest step. This is coming from another boy-crazy gal. I was actually planning on taking an extended break from dating and men after my last particularly nasty breakup, unfortunately time and fate had other plans and I met this really amazing guy that has helped me rediscover myself and my happiness beyond our relationship. Funny how being with him has made me realize I don't HAVE to be with him to be happy in life, he just makes it better.
Whatever you do, do what is in your best interest and love yourself chicky :) I'm rooting for you!

Keltie said...

I do, as a matter of fact, know exactly how goddamnedridiculously good it feels. I've pulled out my eyelashes for about 7 years now. A few months ago I put together the fact that growing up my eyelashes were one thing that I always always always got compliments on, and now they're the thing that I have completely decimated about my looks. That was a bit of a shock. Good luck to you in your little eyebrow battle!

Beth Nicholls said...

i used to pick everything on my face... zits, some places that weren't zits but just little inconsistencies on my face... it got bad. I FINALLY stopped by wearing fake nails; when i wore the nails, i couldn't properly "dig" at my face.

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