Monday, June 7, 2010

The Skype Is The Limit

Last night I had a 2-hour Skype date with my bestie in LA. We drank wine & smoked cigarettes. (I KNOW it’s gross & lame that I smoke. I DON’T want to talk about it.) Hanging out with her virtually is obviously not as awesome, but until they perfect human cloning and/or holography, it’s the next best thing. She asked me what my expectations were for this year. What is it that I hope for? Weirdly, I had to really think about it. Maybe I should have asked myself that question BEFORE I set sail on this tumultuous sea of withdrawal…
My hope is that I can truly focus on myself. Do what makes ME happy, without negotiation. (Just for a year. A lifetime of that kind of abandon would make me sad…) I wish to just relax, & be myself. Someone accused me of having the wrong motives for this project. Upon telling this to my stepmother she asked me, “what does it matter what your motives are”? And she’s right. I’m not even completely sure WHAT my motives are. All I know, is that- when I decided to go through with this year-long-long-dude-cleanse, a massive weight was lifted off of my shoulders. For some reason- since the beginning of my manbbatical, when I go out with my girlfriends- weather it is for brunch, for cocktails, for a bike-ride, or for dinner, I’m so much more free & easy. I can’t explain why. My (close) girlfriends are a collection of INCREDIBLE women. They are loyal, talented, grounded, honest, hilarious, & tender. They inspire me on every level. I’m SO lucky to have them in my life. My father always tells me that “like attracts like”, & that makes me feel great about myself. Again, I can’t explain it- but since I got off men/romantic love- I’m able to focus 100% on my friends, our conversation, our surroundings. It makes me sad that I wasn’t completely able to do that, before. In the back of my mind, I would always be wondering & thinking about men. I feel gross even admitting it. But it’s true. Now my mind seems clearer. My heart seems lighter. I feel more self-confident. I realize I’m in the embryonic stages of this adventure- I understand it/I will evolve. Right now I’m extremely motivated.


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