Friday, June 18, 2010

You've Got To Play To Win.

I went out for drinks with my girlfriend, RK. (She’s also a stand-up comic. Hilarious lady, gorgeous lady, smart lady, fun lady, insightful lady.) We don’t hang out as much as I’d like- we’re both busy, & often on the road, so we do what we can. She was talking to me about the “no breakfast/lunch/coffee/dinner/drinks dates- of any kind” rule. Her conclusion is that if I really want to live my life in the same way I had before, & if I wanted to see what my life would be like without romantic love, then I shouldn’t give up these kinds of one-on-one meetings. RK thinks it would further benefit me & the project if I DID go out on (some) dates, but obviously no physical contact would be allowed. She thinks it would be beneficial to put myself in those intimate situations, & see how resilient I am towards kissy-kissy-face/sexy-time at the end of the date. It makes sense to me. I knew when I started this endeavor that my guidelines, & my reason would change. The rules I REFUSE to alter are the physical ones: no kissing, no sex, no hand-holding, no physical contact, period. My end goal is not to meet the man of my dreams, but to be the woman I know I am capable of being on my own. SHOULD I happen to meet a dude that I adore, I’ll cross that penis when I come to it. I agree with RK. I should go on dates. When I've given up carbs, cigarettes, dairy... the minute I get back on it, I OD!!! I don't want to OD on dating/men. It would be a nice change to actually get to know someone for real before hopping into bed with him. What a novel idea to create a relationship with a man based on a foundation being something other than too many beers & embarrassing boning. I just need to make sure I keep level-headed. Maybe I need to simply “adjust” the rule. Maybe no more than 1 date a week? 1 date every 2 weeks? The problem I foresee is that I get caught up in “dating”, even if the end result is austere. One of my objectives here is to concentrate on MYSELF. How can I manage both? Obviously I CAN. I just never DO. Despite what you may think, I believe this will make my task MORE difficult & complex.


allofyou said...

i think that stickin' to your initial rules (except the no flirting, that's too hard) is key. dating is VERY problematic, even for those of us NOT on a manbbatical. if you allow that kind of interaction, then you aren't actually living your life the way you're trying to live it through this project.

as someone who just attempted this dating-no-physical-contact thing, i can attest: it's kinda worse.

claire elyse said...

really? hmmmmm.... i'm going to have to think about this...

Daniela said...

OMG, Claire, you can't stop dating!!! You're on a manbatical, not a lifebatical!

By "dating" I mean having some alone time with members of the opposite sex where you partake in some kind of social activity and you talk. Maybe for your own sake, have a no-alcohol, no-drugs rule on said dates so have a fighting chance of keeping your wits about you.

..And no touching??? Everyone needs human touch. I hope you're at least hugging your girlfriends a lot.


wil said...

I think you should stick to your initial no dating policy. The term "Dating" by it's very nature alludes to a romantic intention be it physical or emotional. If you really want to spend some time with men in a non-romantic, non-physical setting, just spend some time with some guys you know (but whom you are not attracted to) in a social but more private setting.

Getting to know a guy is no different than getting to know a new girlfriend if the intent is platonic. If not, then you should remember there is two sets of feelings possibly on the line. What about the guy/s who have asked you on the date? If they really like you or want to get to know you romantically, they could end up feeling toyed with or led on. If all they want to do is have sex with you, then they'll either do their best to tempt you or end up embittered at their own misdirected waste of time. The latter you could do without anyways and the former deserves to be investing their time in someone ready to reciprocate in a like minded fashion.
You've only just started this process, it seems pretty soon to create caveats in your self imposed system to satisfy your need for male interaction. It'll start as one date a week, but what if you like him? What if he'll be away for two weeks? Do you get three dates in before he goes? Do you get four as a reward when he gets back?
And how long do you think he'll be cool waiting? The year long manbbatical has only just begun.
Every process has steps. Maybe you should rough out your own twelve steps to set as benchmarks, otherwise these exceptions may keep creeping up until you've rewritten the purpose of your experiment.

Smor said...

I think that you should hang-out with friends. If those friends happen to be of the opposite sex, so what? Avoid the "D" word. The word alone is associated with so many expectations and such. In situations where you know you will be tempted, avoid alcohol.
But I do agree with @Wil. Once you start making exceptions, what else will become acceptable? It's not sex if it's up the bum?
I say hang out with whomever you want, just be honest with yourself about your feelings and motivations.

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