Thursday, July 22, 2010

Freestyle Slacklining

One of my biggest disappointments in myself is that, after 33 years of living life I still never learn my lessons. When I touch something hot & it burns me, I’ll keep grabbing it again & again until my hand is full of blisters & I basically need a skin graft. I’ve made a number of huge mistakes in my life: misjudging people, over-spending, over-drinking/eating/partying, the inability to bite my tongue, taking jokes too far, falling for the wrong man, & overall inducing pain & heartbreak on many turns. I’m human, & I can’t crucify myself for every bad move. I’ve always been in favor of mistakes of commission, rather than omission. As long as I’m TRYING to do the right thing, TRYING to make my life better, it stings a bit less when it all blows up in my face.
One of my besties, PEACOCK has her own blog, where she & her friend- self-proclaimed shopaholics- gave up shopping for a year. I was telling her that I’m terrified that at the end of my year, I will have learned little & will jump right back into the wrong kind of relationships with the wrong kind of men. MAN-X is the perfect example of why I started this undertaking, to begin with. As I’ve said before, though MAN-X is very attractive, talented & charming… he’s a comic. I really want to try my best to stay away from dating/sleeping with any more comics. To demonstrate how serious I am about this, let me give you an example of what transpired this past weekend:
There’s another comic SPICY SAUSAGE, who I’ve also loved from the 1st time I saw his act. He’s tall, handsome, hilarious, & KIND. Fo realz. CUPCAKE always vouches for him & I trust her judgment. I don’t see him very often but when I do, my heart skips a beat. (To be fair, I have a heart murmur, but it’s he’s such a tall drink of water!!! Man, would I love to drink him up…) I’d had too many cocktails the other night, & while sitting chatting with SPICY SAUSAGE, I spilled my guts. I told him I USED to have a crush on him. I realize that breaks rule no.3: ( but I couldn’t help myself. I was upset the next day for several reasons… 1st of all, I BROKE A RULE! Part of me feels like I’ve failed. I need all of the rules to be equally important, even if some of them seem second-rate. Also, he’s a comic! Have I learned nothing in the past 65 days of being romance-free? PEACOCK assured me that 2 months is still very early in the project, & promises my disposition will change at the end of the year. Between SPICY SAUSAGE & MAN-X, I feel like I’ll never get out of this tangled web of comedy-crushes. I wish I could just meet/be attracted to normal men who don’t tell jokes for a living. I think it could really create a nice balance. Lately I feel as though I’ve been treading along a tightrope. I’m so scared to fall off, & feel so cramped & awkward trudging along. Flirting with SPICY made me feel grounded again, & I’m grossed out by the very idea that that is what docks me. When this year is done, I’ll still be on the road, gigging & hanging out with the same gang of boys as when I started this. Am I ever going to be able to hold myself back from flirting, kissing or even sleeping with them? Straight up: if SPICY SAUSAGE had tried to kiss me that night, I’m not sure I would’ve had the will-power to turn him away.
The Manbbatical is the only thing stopping me from admitting my current feelings for MAN-X, let alone sucking face with other crushy-funny-dudes. What do I even want at the end of the day? Either of them? BOTH of them? TAG-TEAM?!? (YES PLEASE!!!)
Seriously, spending a few days at the cottage with a few of my besties, COWGIRL CAT, LADY DI, CUPCAKE, MS.MET & FLOATING HEAD- I realize how nice it was for me to be away from stupid boys & how much fun I had with my girls. We all need to get away sometimes. That is the entire point of this penis-depuration. I need to be less boy-crazy. Please, let me be less boy-crazy. PLEEEEEEEEEEASE?


allofyou said...

i've been boy crazy since i was born. i honestly decided my neighbour when i was 2 was my boyfriend. my mother had no idea why or what that meant for the future.

every time i like someone, i jump 100%. that makes for a lotta ego bruising when it's casual, and heartbreak when it's not. and at least i'm putting myself out there, experiencing things and people, sure.

but it also fucking sucks.

and i have no idea how to change what is essentially in my DNA.

stay strong, claire. xo

claire elyse said...

i'm boy crazy, but boys also drive me crazy.
i love allofyou.

Michael said...

You're teetering precariously at the edge of the manbbatical wagon...

claire elyse said...

i KNOW!!!!!!

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