Monday, July 19, 2010

Let's Hear It For The Boys

There are certain men in my life who have been instrumental in governing my direction- whether they know it or not. (Obviously my father is at the top of the totem pole, but I’ll get into that in a later post. Besides, daddy-issues are so 1990’s.) I’ve often commented on how important my friendships are. I’ve focused mainly on my girlfriends, i.e. BAIT, ÇA-RAGE, MS.MET, SCULLY, PLAYA, THE FLOATING HEAD, PEACOCK, CUPCAKE, MASK, BING-BANG, LADY DI, SOUTHERN BELLE, SHANIQUA, & CRACKERS, to name a few… I’ve never really enlightened you regarding my dong-posse. A few of these dudes are the reason I could never give up on men- they set shining examples of male gallantry.
Ladies & Germs, please meet some important men in my life:
1. GOLDEN BOY: We grew up together. Our parents were best friends. We both loved wearing grey sweatpants & white cotton turtle-necks when we were 10, & by 12 had graduated to setting our poo on fire (in the toilet, we’re not animals!) via lighters & hairspray cans. We also enjoyed smoking pretzels. (Apparently we had a problem with pyromania that was never addressed…) At 18, we started sleeping together. His career as an actor was flourishing. He introduced me to directors, producers, writers, coaches, & suggested I attend the Neighborhood Playhouse School of the Theatre in NYC. He joined me there, & broke my heart. He went on to become a celebrity, & did/is doing very well for himself. During the heartsickness, I would have to stare at his face on giant billboards in Times Square. It felt like inhaling harsh tokes. I got over him/it (though it took eons) but have always been grateful to him for being instrumental in my lifework. Were it not for GOLDEN-BOY, I may never have known my potential as an actor. We’re still pals, though we rarely see each other.
2.THE TRI-POD: The 1st time I saw his penis, I thought it was a joke plastic dong on top of his ACTUAL dink. (I’ve never really cared about the size of a man’s wang- I’ve always been a believer in the …”motion of the ocean” concept.) To be clear: his knob was so big, I drunkenly asked him at a party once to show it to BAIT & ÇA-RAGE. They needed to see it to believe it. I’d never experienced carnal chemistry like what transpired with TRI-POD, before. I had ENJOYED sex, but not like this. He would breathe on me & I would almost cum. We did it everywhere & all the time: restaurants, phone booths, in the street, in my car… I may sound like a tramp, but we simply could not keep our hands off of each other. For the 1st time, I could let myself go. I felt reborn as a sexual woman.
3.GARY ST.KEVIN: Encouraged me to try stand-up. We did a show together, in secret. We were to be each others Roseanne Barr & Arsenio Hall. We lived together on & off for 5 years (not romantically. ALADIN is one of his best friends). GARY ST.KEVIN has gone on to become a very successful comedy writer in NYC & LA. His support & encouragement towards my career as a comic have been relentless. His opinion of my work means everything to me. If I could be HALF as funny, driven, smart, or awesome as he is, I would be a happy lady. (I use the term “lady” loosely.)
4.VOT: VOT is my oldest dude-pal. We’ve been friends since we were 12 years old. I was the best-man at his wedding. He’s always believed in me, has written the most kind, heartfelt letters of recommendation letters for me, has helped me move countless times, & has always been there for me to cry to, run jokes/punchlines by, ask advice, party with, & look up to. We’ve even been in a couple of (minor) car accidents together. His wife has become one of my closest friends & his daughter is the most beautiful girl you might ever lay eyes on.
5.CHAFED NIPPLES: There are a select few people in my world who I accredit with sheer awesomeness on every level. This rare breed of friend is impossible not to love completely. If I don’t know anything about you, & you don’t like 1 of the chosen few- I don’t need to know anything else about you. Because I already hate you. CHAFED NIPPLES could easily be the leader of this elite pack. He was my (platonic) roommate in NYC. He’s been my date for weddings when I might otherwise have had to go stag. He is the most loyal, easy-going, talented, selfless man I know. (To give you an idea: he works for Doctors Without Borders in developing countries. I KNOW!!!!) The Manbbatical was basically his idea, for all intents and purposes. It’s always been my mother’s dream that CHAFED NIPPLES & I fall in love & get married. (CHAFFED NIPS has a lovely & gorgeous long-term girlfriend. Nevertheless, our teaming-up has been my mother’s hope for the past almost 15 years.) He’s always curious & interested in my blog & is unyielding with his encouragement. He shows up to all of my important shows, premières, & promotes me in every way he can. He calls me on my bullshit, but is the 1st to congratulate me on my successes. He’s wonderful. He’s like the brother I never had.
VOT, CHAFED NIPPLES, & GARY ST.KEVIN are all close with my father. They go to ballgames together without me, etc... GOLDEN-BOY used to be close with him as well, but since his father passed away, my parent’s divorce, his moving to LA & our friendship gone astray, they never see each other, anymore. TRI-POD is pretty much out of the picture. We worked on a film together a couple of years ago. Beyond that, he’s a distant wet-dream/memory.
I have a deep-rooted love for all of these men for different reasons. They’ve had an extreme influence on molding who I’ve become. I tip my hat to you, sirs. High-fives all around.


Anonymous said...

Girl, I have to hand it to you. Not only did you ignore the ridiculous comment from your last post (and leave it up there). You focus ENTIRELY on men in your subsequent post. Your blog is endearing and your content relevant. Well done.

claire elyse said...

oh, THANK YOU! i'm going to leave all comments up (unless they're racist, homophobic or mysogynistic.) people are entitled to their opinion. it's out there for people to read, i can't expect everyone to believe in what i'm doing, care about it, or like it. but i certainly appreciate the ones who DO.

Post a Comment