Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Simmer Down Now.

I’m extremely on edge. I can’t even eat, which is as exceptional as a natural disaster. I’m sure it’s a culmination of things.
My rent check bounced, & I have no way to amalgamate more funds.
Last night I found out through a friend that VIDEO-STORE-GUY has been seen around town with a woman. This came as quite a blow, & right before I went on stage to tell jokes. I had that familiar sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach with feels like gut-rot. It’s none of my business, & I shouldn’t care. I genuinely want him to be happy. I thought I wanted to know if he had begun moving on, but as it turns out, I don’t.
I’m having a really difficult time managing my time. This blog, writing & performing jokes, auditioning & waitressing- I’m glad to be inspired, but I feel that I’m stretching myself too thin, & it’s bleeding into my work at my restaurant. It’s not fair to my colleagues. It’s such a fantastic place to work, the nicest owners, great staff (we are all extremely close), respectful customers & good food. They don’t deserve to get the shitty end of my stick. When I’m there I’m burnt out, unfocused, & withdrawn. I’ve been serving on & off for over 16 years, & I’m really at the end of my rope. At the end of the day however, I need to eat & we’ve all got to do what we have to do. My schedule over the next 2 months is clogged with appointments, meetings, shows, auditions & shifts. I had to pencil & squeeze in time for my mother yesterday, & couldn’t relax during our time together because I felt like I was slacking off.
I haven’t had a good long talk with BAIT in almost 2 weeks, which for us is like an eternity. We’re very committed to keeping in touch as LEAST 1x/week: a Skype date where we sip wine together, smoke cigarettes & canvass our past few days. (We also make our cats talk to each other & do little act-outs with them… such as air-drums or air-guitar. Stinky & Black Mist also LOVE waving at each other.)
Even at my favorite super-market today, (which is WAY across town, but worth it for the selection, price, & array of sexy single dudes that shop there) I couldn’t put my nerves on simmer. While feloniously dipping into my over-drawn account, the man behind me in line started to chat it up with me. I tried to give him my most winning smile & badinage, but I could feel myself defiling inside. I almost started crying- because he was really hot. Like, really hot. What’s the point? Nothing can happen…
In that moment, I could feel the world spinning, everyone enjoying their lives, falling in love without me, moving on. I felt myself being torn away from earth, looking down, lost in space (which is my biggest fear, by the way). The natural order of my life feels disrupted. I was so happy & grounded less than 2 days ago. (Dear SOME male readers: Please do not jump all over PMS. Sometimes we women have ups & downs that transcend our menstrual cycle.)
A friend of mine, “THE OUT OF CONTROL EGO” thinks I’m not helping my cause by placing so much focus on MAN-X. I think I know what would help. 1. $1000, 2. A nice kiss. 3. Full-blown sex.
I need to get off the cross. At least I have choices, a roof over my head (though maybe not for long) & people who love me. Suck it up, Brosseau. Quit acting like a baby-la-la.

But i can't help but ask, why am I doing this, again?


Anonymous said...

You're doing it cause you'll get to publish a nice little book at the end and pay your rent for a long time. Just a thought. :-)

claire elyse said...

yay! thanks, anonymous!

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