Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Dear Man-X: Kiss My Chakras.

It’s the 78th day of being romance & flirty-free. People often ask me how I’m doing. Maybe it would be more effective (for my readership) if I wrote or said that I’m suffering terribly. Here is the truth: with the exception of watching rom-coms or sexy HBO series, seeing newspapers splashed with the “Durex: Avanti Bare” print-ads & running into MAN-X, I’m actually feeling pretty amazing. Sometimes if I’m having a passionate 10 minutes with CLETUS, (1 of my vibrators, the other affectionately named LANCELOT. They are both pink- my favorite color. Shut your faces, judgers.) I miss having a real man there to hold me. I miss feeling strong arms & big hands fondling me, & the sweet pheromone smell of men's necks (my second favorite male body part). Admittedly, when I see MAN-X about comedy town, my blood pumps ferociously right into my lady-parts. I try to act like a normal person & not a sexually deprived animal, but I usually end up saying something ridiculous & coming off as a jackass. Beyond that, I’ve never felt better.
My Manbbatical seems to be turning into my year of self-improvement. It’s as if I’ve unintentionally taken a wrecking-ball to life as I know it, dug up the foundation, & am laying out the blueprints for my next constitution. Privately, I’ve been a disciple of that friggin’ book, The Secret. (LADIES FYI: do NOT leave self-help books lying around when dudes come over. I don't care if this advice seems lame, it's just the truth: it is NOT sexy. Unless it's Eckhart Tolle. That seems to be ok.) I go through stages of positive thinking, applying affirmations to my brain-chatter. Like the tide, my optimism & determination seem to rise & fall depending on the moon, the sun, & the rotation of the earth. 78 days ago, I decided not only to focus on myself more & on men less, but also to be my own gravitational force & influence my tidal effects. Do I sound like some weirdo new age lunatic? Perschnizzle. (Pay no attention to my Jim Greenleaf CD, scarves & patchouli oil. Just kidding. I’d rather eat crystals.) But look at what’s happened SINCE I began tapping into my subconscious mind: my blog has received more media attention & subscribers in 2 ½ months than I thought it might during the whole 365 days. I have been dieting/working out & have so far lost 18lbs. I have been offered a fantastic job that begins in the fall. I’ve been writing more jokes than I ever have, & performing more often. I go to sleep feeling grateful for my friends, family, & supporters. I wake up feeling energized & excited to cram in as much pro-activity in my waking hours as possible. I'm genuinely not trying to brag, it's just a super-creepy/awesome fact.
While making my bed this morning, (since I do have to lie in it…) I got scared for a moment. What if I really am just better off, alone? Is this just part of my pilgrimage? Will I be able to combine a relationship with my now seemingly together life? Or will love overshadow everything the way it’s always done in the past? I realize I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m not even three months in. I’m still attempting to understand the concept of “balance and moderation”, which may as well be explained to me in Mandalorian. Well, guess what? I’m not as dumb as I look. I think in 9 ½ months, I’ll figure it out.

MEANWHILE: GOOD NEWS COMING VERY SOON. I PROMISE!!!!

8 comments:

allofyou said...

first of all, CONGRATS on all the super awesome stuff coming out of this.

second. that last bit hit me. as a hopeless romantic and boy addict, i not only let romance (when i get it,ahem) overshadow everything, but i often wonder if i put off potential success in anticipation of it. do i continue to bartend because hey, let's admit it, if i meet the right guy, it's not like i'm gonna put any effort into my career anyway???

horrifying but honestly, quite possibly true.

keep it up, kitten.

corymack said...

love the blog. but really really love the name CLETUS. brilliant.

Bethany said...

This is awesome Claire. I'm so happy that you're doing well and that this blog is full of awesome thoughts and laughs and helping you sort things out...
I'm sending lots of love xoxo

Anonymous said...

you make me pee a little every time I read

claire elyse said...

yay! i love making people pee!

Anonymous said...

I cannot believe that I read you have the same fear...about being alone and liking it! What IF all the happiness of finding your(my)self and liking being on your (my) own is down the tubes because a man finally comes into the picture? Something that is so badly wanted once, but now is feared?
For me, I am a little terrified of letting go all the hard work of finding myself (still have a LONG way to go on that search though). Thank God I have you to live through and learn from!

You are amazing!

TB

claire elyse said...

WOW! thanks, TB!isn't life funny? you have to be careful what you wish for...

Smor said...

As terrifying as being alone can be, it really is amazing. I've been unintentionally playing man-batical for the last 4 years or so. Alone is no problem, but now I'm confounded. After being happily alone for so long,how the hell do I let someone in? Have I broken myself? In the mean time, maybe this will help you.

http://smorsels.blogspot.com/2010/08/pretend-boyfriend-how-to-guide.html

ps. I love your new lay-out.

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