Monday, August 2, 2010

How My Back Led Me To My Future.

JIM HALPERT ruined my last relationship. Or did he save my life? (If you don’t know whom I’m talking about: JIM is a character on the American TV show, The Office.) He’s just a normal dude, with a hilarious sense of play, who has been in love with the receptionist (PAM) at his work since the day he met her. Before you judge me, I know that he’s a fictional character. Or IS HE…?
At the beginning of 2010, I put my back out (AGAIN). I couldn’t move. I couldn’t even wipe my own ass. I took every painkiller imaginable, & nothing helped. Even smoking weed made it worse, if you can believe it. I KNOW!!! I lay in bed for weeks, dirty & debilitated. (I managed to wipe my bum after all, people. I'm not an animal.) I couldn’t even bare talking on the phone, with the exception of Skyping with BAIT, who didn’t care if I had my back to the computer screen, & cried throughout our conversations. To give you an example of the pain: my lung has collapsed THREE times in my life. I’ve had double-pneumonia several times to the point of being admitted to the hospital for weeks on end, on morphine-drip. I also flat-lined for two minutes once because of my fatal nut allergy. My throat closed, & in order to be intubated (life-support) the doctors had to put a steel plate in my throat to widen it, & jam the duct into my breathing canal- with no time for anesthetic. They revived me with defibrillators. Before imminent brief death knocked at my life’s door ready for take-over, my body felt like it had been set on fire, my hugely swollen fingers had turned black, every orifice of my body dispelling what it could in order to protect itself. I lay in a coma for two days, & came out of it with no warning or reason. I’m telling you this, because the pain caused by that bastard little herniated disc in my back is on par with the torture of dying.
I had never really watched The Office, before. I couldn’t even hold a book up, so I decided to give it a go. Man, do I love that show. Unfortunately, my relationship at the time was very much headed for its demise. As I watched JIM privately swoon over PAM, my heart ached (almost) as much as my lower back. He loved her in a way that I wanted to be loved. The looks he gave her spoke volumes. He shared everything with her, was honest, loving, supportive, funny. He was patient & forgiving. He was loyal. He was always on her side. He never doubted her. He fought for her. I know that this kind of man may seem like a mythical creature to some women, but I know there are some out there. I’ve met them. They are married to my sister, & some of my best friends. Some of these JIM-like men that seem as likely as wizards are my besties- CHAFED NIPPLES is a good example. I wondered why I never felt like I deserved my own JIM HALPERT. Upon discussing my distress with BAIT, she urged me to not break-up my relationship until my back had fully healed, & I was off all pills. She advised that I was not thinking clearly, & even though my frustrations were valid, I should wait until I was more discerning. As my bed-rest wore on, my doubts about my relationship started to swell. (As did my ass from eating like shit & not moving…) I realized that my pain in my back had become a pain in my boyfriend’s ass. My friends & family wondered why he wasn’t helpful & forthcoming with assistance. He drove me to my chiropractor once, & made a huge deal about how he had other things to get done that day. JIM HALPERT would have been at PAM’s bedside feeding her, lying with her, driving her… I knew that if the tables were turned, I would have been by my boyfriend’s side behaving in a JIM HALPERT fashion. Not to say I am the perfect girlfriend or friend, but I do believe that when someone I care about is in need, I do what I can to be there for them.
I broke it off with my boyfriend. He didn’t even seem disappointed, though I could never distinguish his true feelings- because he always kept them bottled inside like lighter fluid, waiting for a tiny flame to ignite a massive explosion. I didn’t say “I want a JIM HALPERT”. But I do. What I really want is a man who looks at me, appreciates me, & loves me the way JIM does with PAM. I think I'm ready for that. And I think I deserve it.

BTW: I have some VERY exciting new re: THE 1 YEAR MANBBATICAL. BAIT, MS.MET, THE OUT-OF-CONTROL EGO, CHAFED NIPPLES, GARY ST.KEVIN & PEACOCK are all in on it so far & stoked, but I can't yet share it with the general public. STAY TUNED! Oh, also? I love you.

7 comments:

Lisa said...

You really MUST stop getting hurt/sick/dying at the end of the year! You need a proper NYE midnight with champagne.

claire elyse said...

i KNOW! i'll stop dying, but am very dramatic...
NYE with champagne & no one to make out with will be TORTURE...

Leah said...

And it's pretty awesome when Jim puts all of Dwight's office supplies in jello... hehe, just saying!

Lil Fists said...

Oh what's the news?!? Can't wait to hear. BTW I feel like it's been forever since you last posted. It's official, Clairey. I'm obsessed with your blog.

claire elyse said...

oh, lil' fists! i LOOOOOOVE you!

allofyou said...

this post was my favourite yet.

xo

claire elyse said...

REALLY!?! aw, thanks, allofyou. xoxox

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