Sunday, August 15, 2010

Keeping Busy In The Line Of Fire.

As of this Wednesday, I will be ¼ of the way through my Manbbatical. Generally, the 1st question that people ask me upon seeing or talking to me for the 1st time in a while is, “How’s the Manbbatical going?” It’s a long complicated answer, but because I usually curb my social interactions, I give a simple: “Great!” as a response. I feel like it’s inauspicious to trap someone into a long-winded sermon when they were really just trying to make small-talk.
I’ve had a certain amount of criticism regarding how much I talk/write about dudes, while I’ve decided to swear off of them for the year. I suppose some of my readers think I’m defeating the purpose of my project. Here’s what I say to that: I TOLD you I was boy-crazy. And I really am. It’s terribly difficult for me to not flirt. Mark Breslin has told me that if you’ve ever met me, you understand that it’s an impossible exercise- because flirting is such an inherent part of my nature. To propose that I not think of men is futile. I write what I know, think & do. It’s undeniable that my blog is honest, that I am like an open wound. You can either take the puss & bruising, & allow me to bleed feely & clean myself out- or read someone else’s blog where they take back the night, are always strong, & tell you what you want in order to inspire you.
Men are a HUGE part of my life. I love them: sexually, platonically, & respectfully. I am very close with my father, have very close male friends (as I often talk about), & work with guys who have prodigious talent… Yes. I am boy-crazy. But in the past 3 months, (& 9 to come) I am trying to keep myself busy by focusing on MYSELF. Here’s what’s been happening, good & bad: I smoke A LOT of cigarettes. I am dieting, & that’s going really well. I cook (I never used to…) & grocery shop for healthy food. I write often; my blog, new jokes, & other projects I have to add more irons into my fire. I’ve been going to more open-mics to try out new jokes, polish my act, & get out there to see what’s going on. I’ve been seeing TWO therapists to 1. Figure out what’s happened in my past so I can fix my future, 2. Understand my current sphere of conduct. I’ve been spending more time with my friends & family- dinners, movies, cocktails… I’ve been working hard on my auditions, & doing some acting. (I shot a commercial last week.) I’ve been saving money. I’ve been reading. I’ve been getting up early. I’ve been keeping my apartment clean. I’ve been gigging on the weekends. I’ve been skipping in my back alley to achieve my goal of doing so non-stop for 10 minutes. I’ve been waitressing 2x per week. I’ve been listening to a lot of classical music. I’ve been masturbating on a pretty regular basis. I’ve been fantasizing. All of these undertakings are new- with the exception of smoking. Not NEW-new, but my level of commitment to them is atypical.
Does that answer any question about “how my Manbbatical is going”? THAT is what I’ve been doing, & THIS is how it’s going. I’m very busy, quite happy, often lonely, & slightly scared. It’s not how I thought it would be & yet exactly what I should have known would happen. I’m learning A LOT about myself- in an extremely acute way. You know what else? I saw MAN-X with his girlfriend last week, & my heart sank like a brick. They were all lovey-dovey & my eyes welled up with tears. I had to leave, so no one would see. Maybe I shouldn’t be talking about him, or thinking about him. But it’s the way I feel, & I just want to be honest. If not with him, then just the global system of interconnected web users.

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