Saturday, September 4, 2010

Guest Post!

This was written by a girlfriend of mine, GUEST BLOGGER #1. She's exceptionally pretty, funny, level headed, & well read. She's courageous & sociable. Codename: she's a major catch. It doesn't make me feel amazing that there are women out there like her, struggling. When I began on this journey, she & I spoke. We realized how much we had in common in terms of relationship patterns, among many other things. I asked her to write a guest post, for a fresh perspective. She wishes to remain anonymous. Here is what she has to say:

Ways I am like Claire: in 30s, single, extremely self reflective at this very moment, looking to break pattern in partners.

Ways I am not like Claire: my manbbatical is involuntary.

Now I know there are people in a lot worse shape then me and I also know of people in relationships who envy my freedom. But you know what? I feel free in relationships. I’ve had a lot of what I would call “medium term” relationships, usually lasting between one and two years (I’ve been called a serial monogamist) and I loved every second of them. I love sharing my space, my bed, my meals, my time. I’ve come to understand that I am a “relationship” person. So why am I not in one?

It’s increasingly hard to find people to match my desires. After all, who wants to be happy right? That’s sarcasm. Blah blah. It’s exhausting to think about really.

I have three close girlfriends (insert SATC joke here) in basically the same situation. Different histories but same present. We are all single; all have good jobs and have used our well-earned money to buy houses. Good for us, on lookers say. Can I just say “good for you” is one of the most condescending things you can say to somebody? Especially a single woman. It reeks of underlying subtext. You don’t have a man or a baby but you’re still getting up in the morning. Good for you!

Here’s the problem. For a man, walking into something with a mid to late 30s woman who is secure career wise and owns her own place means she doesn’t need you financially and you will never be her provider. All she wants is your love and partnership. Oh and by the way, her clock’s a tickin’. That is scary for a man. I feel like I’m writing my love life’s obituary with these words but so be it.

I can’t take the blame off myself for any of it. I guess in a way I dug my own grave. Since I was 20 I’ve exclusively dated musicians. I promised myself I would end the cycle a couple of years ago and I did. But then a few weeks into my last relationship, the guy goes and joins a band. What can I do? It’s my destiny. Also I’ve never dated a guy who’s had to get up in the morning for anything. If there is a job there, it’s sporadic and shift based. Lastly not since I was 21 have a dated a guy my age or older. Not while I was in my 20s and not while I’ve been in my 30s. It’s pretty ridiculous. I think I look younger than I am. I act younger then I am and I have a job that keeps me (too) up to date in young things. Outsiders advise trying to find someone my own age. Thanks, never occurred to me.

Oh, the other condescending thing I hear - “you should try online dating” – from people who have never tried online dating. For the record, I have never tried online dating and I really don’t want to. No judgment, I just really really don’t want to. End of that.

That said, anyone reading this online and wants to date me, Claire has my info. Hahah kidding. Really kidding. Kidding? Yes kidding.

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