Thursday, September 23, 2010

Let's Play Ball!

Last night, I had the extreme pleasure of bringing one of my besties PEACOCK to her 1st ever Major League Baseball game. My dad and my sister share a pair of season tickets, so lucky for me, when neither 1 of them can go to a game, I get the pair.
I love MLB for several reasons: It’s very nostalgic. My dad has been talking me to ball games since I was 3yrs old. We would either marvel at Gary Carter (the MTL Expos) as my dad would try to catch me a ball- or I would secretly dream that Youpi (their mascot) would come over to play with me. If we were in Toronto, our love shifted over to Dave Stieb & BJ Birdie (may he RIP. Now the BJ’s beloved mascot is a more hip “Ace”. We never really see much of the girlfriend, “Diamond”, anymore. But I certainly did relish in those rare sightings of her.)
When I moved to New York, I was lucky enough to live with 2 HUGE ball fans (CHAFED NIPPLES & NEWSIE). We rooted for The Mets (always go for the underdog) but it’s kind of impossible to hate the Yankees. Lucky for us, we lived there at the end of the last millennium, so we ALMOST got a subway series (1999), & we DID get a (disappointing) subway series (2000). I used to (sometimes) skip school to watch the now defunct Expos play the Mets, or the Jays play the Yanks. There was really nothing like being in the (old) Yankee Stadium. You could FEEL the ghosts in there, as soon as you arrived in that magical building…
The point is, the look on PEACOCK’s face last night as we entered the Rogers Center & grabbed our seats, was priceless. She was so amazed & happy! It reminded me that I take the magnitude of the field & stadium for granted, because I know it so well. My dad has fantastic seats, & lucky for us, Overbay was in our section taking pictures with fans. (Well, he was on the field, technically, but my dad’s seats are in the 7th row just to the left of the dugout, so Lyle would lean in for photos, & fans would lean out…) I got really star-struck, which rarely happens to me. PEACOCK could see that my round pupils had been replaced with flashing hearts, & encouraged me to get my photo taken with him. I couldn’t do it. I wanted the future ex-Mr.Brosseau (I would make him change his name when we got married, obvi) to see me as an equal- a strong woman- not a silly love-struck fan. I started thinking of all of these ways that I might be able to meet him, or Hill, or Lind, or Bautista. Even Lunch Box! (Travis Snider). (I'm not sure why, but I have the feeling Lunch Box is remarkable at oral sex...) I started going through the list of my famous friends in my head, & scheming to somehow get someone to introduce me to the team.
I saw Aaron Hill steal home plate once. He stole my heart, that night. I feel it’s only fair if we go to home base together, now. We can sing that creepy Meatloaf song & bone. I would yell out, “YOU’RE NUMBER 2! YOU’RE NUMBER 2!” in the midst of my orgasm. He's so committed to the game, so focused... I bet he's like that in bed. It would be terribly sexy. I would MAKE HIM wear his uniform. Then I could wear his jersey around his mansion, when we’re done. I think it would look really cute on me. Cito & I could chill on the bench during the game, & talk about what our next move should be. I would invent new perverted-style sign language for the base coaches- like grabbing their balls, or simulating blow-jobs.
I’ve dated some serious B-list celebs in my time. My roster is super gross/impressive. I think when my Manbbatical is over, I should start dating pro-athletes. I know most of them are dogs, but why not date a dog that’s a sexy athlete, rather than some emo-musician-dog, a self-involved-actor-dog, or masochistic-comic-dog? I would LOVE to watch my future ex-husband crack his bat & knock one out of the park, turning to wink at me before running the bases. I’m sure I’m not doing any favors for my feminism belief system right now, but I gotta say it: THAT’S SO MANLY!!!!!!
Yup. I think on May 18th, 2011 I will start pursing the starting line-up for the Jays. I will have lost my last 20lbs by then (I’m 25lbs down, now) so I’ll feel more confident. Somehow I’ll finagle it so I sing the National Anthem at a game. (It’s a HUGE goal for me, all of my life. I can do it, too. I sang professionally for years. See my “media page” if you want a demo. If you know someone that could hook a sister up, bring it on. I will owe you forever.) Most importantly, I’ll be allowed sexy-time by then.
Get ready, Blue Jays. I’ve got my eye on you (all).

4 comments:

allofyou said...

i'll take the leafs, please. xo

claire elyse said...

oh, i love you. xox

Anonymous said...

No. Habs Habs HABS!!!
- lisa

365 Fashion Rehab said...

love you Welly

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