Friday, September 17, 2010

Pants On Fire

Some of my best assets are paradoxically my biggest downfalls. Take my breasts, for example. Boys love them (& so do I) but it’s really awkward to jog.
I consider myself pretty easy to get along with. This is probably because I fall in love with 99% of the people I meet, until/unless they give me a reason to feel otherwise. CRACKERS often needles me for wanting everyone to like me. I can’t stand knowing someone doesn’t think I’m awesome. All I need is one mediocre conversation with any random individual, & they instantly become a “good friend”. If you are a “good friend”, (& you probably ARE) I’ll try my best to get done whatever you need me to do. I’ll believe you when you tell me things. I’ll keep your (big) secrets. I’ll give you the shirt off my back (as long as it’s not for sexual reasons).
There are worse things I could do, than to try & see/believe the best in people. However, my eye & my heart should be more discerning. An ex-lover (& current friend) of mine told me I give too much of myself away, too quickly. I then become terribly disappointed when I feel my efforts & openness haven’t been reciprocated. I feel stupid, & I have only myself to blame for being too trusting. By no means am I saying I am the world’s best friend- but as I “mature”, I genuinely try to behave in an empathetic manner. I desperately cling to the precept, “Always treat others as you would like them to treat you.” (Matthew 7:12) Thus explaining: me not wanting to be disliked, rarely dislikes.
This morning, I met PEACOCK for coffee. We ran into a friend of hers, who was arrestingly attractive. Immediately, I was all, “OHMYGODILOVEHIMHEISMYFUTUREHUSBAND!!!” We spoke for a grand total of two minutes, & I convinced myself that he & I were somehow, someday, going to end up together. And meanwhile, was I crazy, or did I sort of feel him checking me out as well…? PEACOCK told me that with him, what you see isn’t necessarily always what you get. Codename: he can be a major dick when he feels like it. OF COURSE. No one is EVER what you see is what you get. Not really. People have layers, disguises, & techniques… That’s part of what makes us all interesting. I often insist on skipping getting to actually know people, before making up my mind about them- for better or for worse. It’s been my major mistake with many of my crushes, namely MAN-X, as of late. I genuinely like what I know MAN-X to be. But I’m pretty sure I’ve created a whole fantasy about him, as well. I really don’t KNOW him very well. I want to, but I don’t, really. (Sidebar: I’ve been having CRAZY sex-dreams about him EVERY NIGHT for the past week. It’s getting kind of rigodamnediculous. I literally woke up imbathed in sweat this morning. There’s NO WAY I can look him- or myself- in the eye anymore.)
It’s not the fault of strangers if they turn out to be something different than what I hoped, or imagined them to be. So while it IS good to be openhearted & minded, to trust those whom I barely know is irresponsible. (1 of the many) lessons I never quite seem to accept is that when you judge someone else- “rightly” or “wrongly”, it’s not a valid portrayal of who they are, but more a reflection of who you are.
Life has taught me once again, that I take people at (double)-face value. Being lied to is something I hate, but I shouldn’t be surprised, since I didn’t really know who this person was. I thought she was my friend, & maybe she was- but a relationship based on deceit, is not one I’m at all interested in. I genuinely cared about her, & in retrospect realize she was nothing more than an unprincipled energy-vampire. The blow is even more jarring coming from a woman. I know this sounds misandryous (is that even a real word, btw? Or did I make it up?), but I’m never fully thrown off-guard when a man lies to me. Sorry, but it’s true. When dishonesty comes from a female friend, it feels like a breach in the sisterhood contract.
I do not judge the people I love. I’m proud of that. But I think I need to be more discriminating of the people whom I choose to love.
I now feel like a giant bitch. I should continue to look for the goodness within her. There is lots of it. Apparently, there's a lot of spite & resentment in me. Perhaps I'm not being understanding enough. But how much of myself do I invest in someone I thought I knew, but clearly don't? When is it fair to throw in the towel? This isn't a theoretical question, it's a practical one. Can someone please tell me the answer?


TDz said...

Perhaps you've answered your own question. In the early part of a friendship, you seem to love/trust people more than they love/trust you (even though YOU think the love/trust levels are equal) when they betray or lie to you, it may not be a big deal to them but is a big deal to you just because of this inequality of levels?

karenokay said...

"It’s not the fault of strangers if they turn out to be something different than what I hoped, or imagined them to be."

Wow, so true. I've been infatuated with a guy who constantly disappoints me. This post helped the light-bulb go off: He never asked me to be obsessed with him, I did that on my own.

I think I've finally snapped out of it.

Anonymous said...

trust me, throw in the towel. too many people gave the chance and got burned. its quite facinating actually that one person could have duped so many.

claire elyse said...

@KOK: i'm glad you're moving on!
@anon: i know. i feel pretty stupid. it really is crazy.

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