Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Circling The Drain

They say that many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits. Every January 1st, I make resolutions & grapple with my vices to try to enable myself to be a happier, better person. Every July 1st, I take stock of what I’ve accomplished in the year so far. As the halfway mark of my Manbbatical approaches (November 18th, 2010), I think it’s important to evaluate my progress throughout my dude-cleanse thus far.
I definitely think my assignment is getting increasingly difficult, even though the demands have stayed the same. Though through the 1st 4 months I was struggling with my secret crush on MAN-X, I felt like I was making great strides in terms of my evolvement. I was enjoying being alone, & 365 days of no romantic love didn’t seem so gargantuan. I was nurturing friendships, exercising, losing weight, had cut my daily drinking habit down to a weekly event (if that), & felt focused & grounded. This past month, I feel like I’m losing my grasp on the entire game plan. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t having a good time circling the drain, but I’m not exactly proud of myself. BAIT, ÇA-RAGE, PLAYA, THE OUT OF CONTROL EGO & LADY DI have all expressed concern regarding my recent & seemingly consistent defilement. They believe in me, but they reprove of my self-destructive behavior. It’s a bit of a “chicken & egg” credo, but reasons for celebration lately seem countless & I’ve been partying like a maniac. The more I party, the more my day-to-day routine of no-man-obsessing, gym-going, healthy eating, writing, & keeping my brain free of cobwebs, is threatened. I don’t really know how or why it started, but I do know that in rehabilitation, there are setbacks. Months 5 & 6 have been arduous. The Manbbatical seems like a chore right now. When I think about it objectively, I know how beneficial this experience has been for my overall well-being, so far. It has forced me to examine my behavioral patterns not only with regards to men & love, but almost every other aspect of my life, as well. It has enabled me to make real change. It has already offered me so many wonderful work opportunities. It has (sort of) kept me out of trouble. I need to hold onto that. I need to remember why I decided to take on this year of abstinence to begin with. I need to forgive myself when I slip up, & keep in mind that this is a process. I need to be patient with myself. I need to believe in myself, again. I was so sure of myself, in the beginning. I knew I would be able to hang in throughout the entire year. Lately, I’m really not so certain. I want to be sure, I want to believe, but I seemed to have misplaced my conviction. Rosanne Cash said that, “The key to change… is to let go of fear.” It’s ironic… I feel as though my grip is loosening on everything except fear. Come back to me, courage & heart. I miss you, & I need you.


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