Friday, October 22, 2010

A Doll's Glass House

I went through the list of MANBBATICAL rules with BAIT & ÇA-RAGE this morning, & we counted how many of those commandments I’ve broken, so far. It’s not good. I’m not proud.
I seem to have violated rules #2, 3, 5, 8, 9, & 10 effortlessly. In the past 5 days, it’s becoming increasingly difficult to submit to those last 4 orders. I know I’ve had crushes throughout this project. MAN-X, (obviously) SPICY SAUSAGE, WEINER… This- with HIM- is different; much more complex. As I’ve said many times, my feelings for MAN-X were not only rebuffed, but also doomed from the start. I knew all along what a horrific outcome that potential relationship might have. With all of those imaginary love affairs, it was mostly sexual, and noxious. I can honestly tell you, it’s weightier with HIM. My well of temptation is running deeper than my usual shallow waters of talent & dick love. I never expected this project to be easy. With the exception of some minor gamete & hormone induced bumps in the road, my trip so far has been relatively manageable. In May, when my exploit began, I secretly hoped that at approximately month 5 or 6, I would meet someone I genuinely cared about. It’s like the fourth law of thermodynamics…I wanted to meet someone I liked, not only for my own heart, but also for the excitement of my readers. I know I should be focusing strictly on my development, & leave public opinion & readership (numbers) out of it, but I can’t help it if I want my blog to be popular. Now I have met someone. I think I really like him, so far. Though I’m happy about it, I’m also furious with myself. I had been doing so well! I was veritably impressed with my level of commitment & achievement. No one else was the source of my high-spirits & peace of mind. Now I’m finding myself looking forward to his texts, or phone calls. I get excited at the prospect of seeing him & spending time with him. Instead of taking this challenge day by day & enjoying it’s difficulties, I can’t wait until it’s over so that at least I’d have the chance to take things to the next level with him. Instead of my practiced (& what I THOUGHT was finally instilled) mantra of, “I’ve got to go to the gym to look good, & feel good- FOR MYSELF”- I’ve slipped back into, “I’ve got to get to the gym & look thin because I want to look smokin’ when we finally get naked, together”. What happened to all of my strength & independence? It just picks itself up & skips town as soon as I meet someone? That’s some BULLSHIT. This MANBBATICAL has turned into a job. One that I’ve loved, & one that inspires me to be a better woman, writer, performer, & partner. I can’t just throw in the towel because of a dude that I’m into. Beyond that, I BARELY KNOW HIM!!! We may not dig each other as much when we DO get to know each other, better. But am I supposed to now nip all of those possibilities in the bud? I’m not supposed to flirt with HIM. I’m not even really supposed to tell HIM how I feel, let alone yap on Skype with HIM all night long… Bait thinks that he & I will have to settle for an old-school Victorian-type courtship. Great. I have not been groomed for that role. (Though, to be fair, I do speak French, sing, play piano, dance & am aware of how to be conversant about “light literature of the day”. I also appreciate the art of conversation, but am struggling with the art of silence- which is just a fancy, old-fashioned manner for women to be kept gagged.) Finally & unfortunately, I understand Nora’s frustration in Ibsen’s “A Doll’s House”.
What I’d like is to be able to enjoy this relationship with HIM, like a normal person, while understanding & adhering to the rules I set up for myself. It is important to remember WHY I set up these rules to begin with. I wanted to change my life. We all know that if you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you always got, blah, blah, blah... I don’t want more of the same. I want different. HIM… well, HIM is different. I just want to be myself, but handle HIM differently. Can I do it? Do you think I can? Do I think I can???


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