Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Know When To Fold 'Em.

I wrote MAN-X a long, candid letter explaining my feelings for him. It may seem cowardly to do so now that I am no longer crushing on him, but it felt like a weight on my chest I desperately needed to lift off in order to breathe again. There were so many reasons why I decided to keep my affection for him quiet for so long. 1st of all, he had a girlfriend, & I felt letting him in on my secret would be inappropriate. Also, because we work together, I didn’t want to make it awkward. My close friends who know the intrinsic details of my throbbing crush, strongly advised me against coming clean to him. They pleaded that it wasn’t important for him to know, because either way, nothing could transpire between us until my project is over. They also didn’t think it was important that he heard it from me. I felt like it was. I was pretty selfish about all of it, actually. I mean, I was so honest & open about the way I felt about him in my blog, but would flat out lie to his face. It’s been very easy for me to hide behind my writing, but so difficult to be truthful in my real life. He & I discussed “MAN-X” several times. I told him that quite a few of our peers had come forward to tell me they thought it was he that was indeed the object of my affection, & I vehemently denied it. He asked me who it was a few times, & I played my hand close to my chest. He & I laughed about it, but my heart was beating like it was trying to crack my ribcage open & free itself. I was scared to tell him. As long as he didn’t know, he couldn’t reject me. I told him in a letter, as I mentioned, which is always a means of confrontation that I find slightly gutless. I realize I don’t owe him anything, but I felt I owed something to myself. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him in person. I would never be able to bear the humiliation of the turndown. The way I told him was not at all flirting. It was possibly the most un-romantic, un-sexy, declaration of expired love there ever was. It read something like, “… it’s you. I used to be in love with you, but now I’m pretty sure that’s over. Sorry. Let’s move on…”
Here’s the thing: he hasn’t yet responded. Hasn’t acknowledged it! I know he may be really busy, or confused, or maybe he just doesn’t care. It’s ok, either way. The reality was, I told him for MY sake, rightly, or wrongly. I suppose it will be awkward with us- for the next little while, anyway. But I’d rather it be weird & uncomfortable because I admitted I used to have an inverted boner for him, than it be unpleasant because I drunkenly came onto him, or even slept with him in a fit of debauchery.
I don't understand what the pressing urge was for me to let him know. All I know, is that for the past few months, the desire to tell him has been constantly tormenting me, like a rash. I wasn't sure why, but I figured there must be a reason. Maybe someday that reason will present itself. Maybe it won't. Either way, what's done is done.

10 comments:

Derek said...

Hmmmm. I don't know about anyone else but I'm dying to know who it was/is/was.

claire elyse said...

i'll never tell!

lisa said...

I am too! Plus, I've done this letter thing more times than I can count.

Anonymous said...

Did he ever get back to you??

claire elyse said...

NO!!!!! can you believe it?!

Anonymous said...

Are you going to approach him on it?

claire elyse said...

nah... what's the point?

Anonymous said...

Your readers are curious?? Kidding. You going to reveal who he is?

claire elyse said...

no... i just feel like that might upset him...

Anonymous said...

It's OK. I found out who it was.

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