Sunday, October 24, 2010

The Man Of My Dreams

Throughout the process of the Manbbatical, I’ve received many emails, comments, & suggestions from my readers. Some of them have been extremely helpful, and one of them in particular has helped my look at my development with a new perspective. A friend of mine, (in the comedy community) UNIVERSITY, sent me a note suggesting I pretend I am the VP of HR at Claire Brosseau INC, looking for someone to fill a position in the Man Department. Before anyone can apply, I would obviously need to create criteria for the job. He reminded me of an old mariner's adage:
“If you don't know to which port you're sailing, no wind is favorable. If you know what you're committed to, a path will reveal itself.”
So, here is my job posting for “Man of My Dreams”:

Reporting Relationships

Man Of My Dreams reports directly to Girlfriend in question (me), but always maintains close relationships to our families, friends, & co-workers.

Basic Description Of Responsibilities

The Man Of My Dreams performs a variety of general & specific love functions of a responsible & complex nature centering on awesome, sexy, love activities with yours truly. This requires an advanced knowledge of himself: his needs, his likes & dislikes, his limitations, his ambition, his sexuality, his level of commitment, while maintaining his integrity & security of my love-database & to provide hugs, kisses, opinions, romance, challenges, adventure, & a penis in my vagina.
The Man Of My Dreams will not only help himself to develop & maintain his honor, integrity, health, & our relationship, but help me with these same challenges, as well. The ability to trust me while I’m on the road telling jokes with dudes, or shooting on location, or doing a sexy play, will be essential. The ability of keeping his dick in his pants while I’m not around will also be imperative. The Man Of My Dreams will need to be self-sufficient (financially & emotionally), but brave enough & willing to ask for help when he needs it. He must have a good sense of play (i.e. partying) & understand both of our limitations. He must be sensitive, kind-hearted, open-minded, honest, forgiving, but most importantly, have a huge penis. Just kidding. But seriously, the sexual chemistry must be electric. His relationships with his friends & loved ones must be nurtured at all times, & he must have his own life & priorities beyond the one(s) we share, together. His mind & heart must be open to children, animals, travelling, & art. Money mustn’t be his driving force, understanding that it is only there to allow us to live comfortably & happily.

Areas Of Responsibilities

The Man Of My Dreams is responsible for meeting me halfway, & sometimes going the extra mile when times are tough. He shares responsibility with me for working through the bad times, & enjoying the happy times to their fullest potential. He is responsible for making me laugh, challenging me, wiping my tears, & giving me orgasms. Seriously. I have enough pals. He is accountable for romancing & surprising me. He needs to call me on my bullshit, without being too hard on me. He cannot take himself too seriously. He must always have my back, be on my side, & be my best, sexiest friend. He must love me unconditionally, & demand the best of me, & himself.

*no education or training needed, but applicant must not be a douche or a moron, or someone I’ve already slept with- unless you think you’ve REALLY changed.

Apply within.


Anonymous said...

What about how he looks and how he dresses? That seems to be important to every woman I know. A good looking guy who dresses like a slob is a turn-off to most women as is an ugly guy who dresses impeccably. Or are you saying you're above that?

kate said...


Thomas Dz said...

That's gender discrimination in that position description! I smell a lawsuit! or maybe I just smell.

claire elyse said...

yes, it's important. but i don't feel like that's a deal breaker. you should see my roster of dudes, if you don't believe me. some are ridiculously hot, some are fat, some are short, some are short & fat, some are black, asian, middle eastern, kind of effeminate, super manly, some dress well, some are poor, some are rich, some athletic, some lanky, some bald, some hairy.
wait a second... does this mean i'm above looks & dress-code, or that i'm a huge whore? ooops.

Bully said...

WHORE!(hrumph).....but not huge, that's just ridiculous.

Andre said...

Does the job include Dental?

365 Fashion Rehab said...


claire elyse said...


JoJo said...

What about speech impediments or lithpsth. I can't sstaand it, it, it, it if so-som-someone stststutters.


Anonymous said...

I thought a manbatical meant taking a year off men not worrying about the man of your dreams? What are you hoping to accomplish by this? Its not clear.

Amelia said...

Anonymous: What's not clear is the motive behind your questions. Why rain on the Manbattical parade? Life should be viewed with open eyes and optimism. Claire is simply showing that at the end of 365 days, she is excited about a future relationship, the kind that is healthy and awesome and filled with great you never daydream in the meantime? Have hope?


Dear Anonymous, please read the preface.
"If you don't know to which port you're sailing, no wind is favorable."

I suggested to Claire that she take on the task of outlining a job description for the man whose penis she will inevitably let into her vagina because, as I understood it, one of the purposes of the Manbbatical is self-expression, i.e. how Claire fits into the world and the power to change that if she so desires. The job description might be different by May 2011, but every story needs a first draft.

claire elyse said...

i kind of get what anonymous is asking... it's true, i did swear off of men for a year, & i talk about them a lot. but i am allowed to talk about them. i try to always post what i'm genuinely thinking about. my life is different now that i'm not dating/having sex, but i still wonder & think about what the future holds for me.

Victoria Secret said...

So, after reading the comments on "Climb Every Mountain", it seems that negative comments are discoraged and you don't want to hear bad things well you should remove the ability to vote crappy then because all I have ever seen from you Claire is crap. this last story is just another witty ATTEMPT to put a funny spin on your whorishness and I don't mean "ha ha giggle, I'm such a whore, tee hee" girly stuff, I mean your clinicly sexually a whore.
get help. seriously. therapy.

Lil Fists said...

Who is this Victoria Secret? If you are going to be such a douchebag, you might as well sign your name. But I find it super lame that you write such awful things- and especially using a pseudonym. Claire is putting herself out there as honestly as possible, and you are spitting venom from the safety of the anonymous interweb. Lame.

Anonymous said...

It is clear that Victoria Secret put all her energy into becoming the psychiatric expert that she obviously is and not into learning how to write English.

In an earlier post you discussed critics. I tend to look at everything with a critical eye, not to be mean-spirited, but to keep myself from wasting my time. I find this blog to be a very worthy way of spending some of my time and I have recommended it to several of my friends. It makes me laugh and think a lot and I find myself learning stuff about me as a result of your honesty.

I hope there are many qualified applicants for the position you have advertised here. Don’t forget to ask for references.

Anonymous said...

Victoria Secret, you might be nicer if you got rid of the cobwebs in your snatch.

Constructive criticism is fine. Your bullshit posts reek of YOUR need for therapy.

claire elyse said...

i just can't believe victoria secret keeps reading! THAT's what i find funny... it's like, OBSESSIVE! i don't think it's a woman, i think it's a man. i can't think of any woman who hates me THAT much. it's clearly personal. but honestly, i really don't care. but thank you all for the support. xox
ps. thanks, VS, every hit on my blog counts! keep reading, & keep up those grammar classes.

Nico said...

VS, you seem too thick to tell the difference between a slutty comedian and a funny whore -- two of my favourite types of people but not the same thing!

There is no such thing as being 'clinically' a whore. That would imply being a whore as a medical diagnosis or even a pathology. There is a diagnosis of being a sex addict, but that's not based on how much sex you have. It's based on how much the sex you have chaotically interferes with the rest of your life.

'Whore' isn't a diagnosis, it's an occupation -- and one worthy of respect. Claire is an actress and a stand-up comedian - both great occupations too - but not a whore.

There's nothing wrong with having sex and there's nothing wrong with not having sex. Just like there's nothing wrong with selling sex or giving it away for free. But there is something kind of sad about lurking around the blog of a woman who's actually doing something interesting with her life and trying to tear her down for it.

Anonymous said...

Hi Claire's (personal) friends who keep defending her.
It's lovely that you rush to her side so quickly, but since this is an open forum...people are allowed to dislike this. If you don't want bad comments, you have to remove the good ones too. I think what Victoria is saying is, it's a shame that Claire isn't using this manbattical as something to grow and learn from rather than an obvious ploy for publicity. I don't disagree with using this as press-but be honest. Claire is not doing this to become a better woman and perhaps have a better relationship in the future-she's an actress trying to find a niche for herself. There's no harm in that, but honesty would be nice. And, coming from a person who's been celibate for 19 months (by choice!), we don't act this way. It's not a daily riot of sexual desperation; we live our lives and go to work and prosper just the same. Claire is making this very juvenile and base. And, if she is really 33 years old (I'm guessing she's close to 40) her vocabulary is pitiful. I'm pretty sure it's in sync with her emotional maturity.
I've since stopped reading this blog-as I find it boring-but I had to comment on Claire's never ending updates. Did she really think everyone likes her???

Not Claire's friend but hate angry posters... said...

Sadly, based on that post "Anonymous", it appears no one likes you. Loneliness is rough, it's okay. Let it out. Just not here. Frankly, 19 months of celibacy has rendered you to be a bit of a douchenozzle.

Anonymous said...

I do agree with the comment about it being a press ploy and OBVIOUSLY not a growing experience but it is entertaining I will giver her that much. Keep writing!

JoJo said...

Victoria Secret- Not every woman's idea of love and sex is a Taylor Swift song. Some woman are more Beyonce like, or in your backward 1950's idealistic view of female sexuality: "clinically whore."

Anonymous said...

this is the anonymous who wrote yesterday said i wasnt clear on what the point was..claire thank you for answering...and to the others who got very mad..i wasnt being mean i read the blog i like the blog i was just finding the motivation for it beccoming cloudy so i asked a question. i am sorry if it came off as mean but i dont agree with all these people jumping at my comment lie it was mean when it WAS a valid question...i wont ever post on here again.

Thomas Dz. said...

Wow. Bunch of anger here. C'mon people. Claire's fake job posting was lighthearted and funny. *I* thought Victoria Secret's post was inappropriate given the subject matter and being that Claire is a comic. So let's all step back, have some sex (sorry Claire), and breath deeply.

lisa said...

Claire, you should disable anonymous postings so that everyone has to create a nickname. I'm having trouble keeping track of all these damn anonymous entities. (Not that I know if you CAN do this or not; I can barely remember that I even have a blog half the time.)

So Anonymous #29477, why does it matter to you so much what Claire's Manbbatical is turning out to be or not be? You seem genuinely enraged by your publicity stunt accusations, yet continue to push the theory. If you're so angry, why are you still here? If you don't think Claire is doing a good job being celibate, why don't you start your own blog and show us all exactly how an expert would do it?

Meanwhile, I'm with Thomas.

Cowboy Cat said...

Hi Claire! Don't worry about bad comments, people are reading and that's all that matters!!



re: publicity stunt vs. personal growth...

These are not mutually exclusive. Last year, Bob Kerr resolved to perform at least 100 sets in the year. It was a resolution that he made because it inspired him; it gave him a goal that was meaningful TO HIM.

Were those 100 sets a form of promotion? Of course. He wrote journal entries on Facebook about every one of his 100 sets.

Did it provide him with the opportunity for personal growth? Absolutely. The opportunity to gain insight into his strengths and weaknesses, to break through existing limitations, to hone his skills, and to take a stand for something that he believed in.

Likewise, Brosseau has resolved to remain celibate for a year. It was a resolution that she made because it inspired her; it gave her a goal that was meaningful TO HER.

Is her vow of celibacy a form of promotion? Of course. She writes these journal entries about her actions and reactions within the context of her vow. By so doing, she increases her website traffic and raises her profile amongst her community of 2000 friends on Facebook.

Does it provide her with the opportunity for personal growth? Absolutely. The opportunity to gain insight into her strengths and weaknesses, to break through existing limitations, to provide her with fodder for her act, and to take a stand for something that she believes in.

If you have a problem with it, I would hazard a guess that it's a problem in your life that you're confronted with, not a problem in Brosseau's life that you're confronted with. And since it's in your life, you're the only one with the power to solve the problem. You won't find YOUR answers in Brosseau's journal, though you may find something that leads to your answers.

Beth Nicholls said...

this post is totally adorable!! Claire, I want to thank you for making me smile every time I read your blog :)

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