Friday, October 29, 2010

Minor 3rd To Major 3rd

I’m sitting in one of the bluesy-est hotels I’ve been in, in a while. It’s a squalid district of the city. I’m on the road, telling jokes. I feel that me getting murdered isn’t the last thing to expect, tonight. There should be a homeless man, sitting in the corner of my room, playing harmonica. I’m right next to a strip-club called, “The Beef Baron”, where the dancers all wear granny underwear & sports bras, throw their purses on the stage as they move, displaying their cesarean scars (to give you an idea)… Last time I was here, there was a bucket of eaten chicken wings in my shower. In this room, there are questionable stains everywhere, peeling wallpaper, & a stench of cheap cologne. So as I sit here, trying not to get stabbed, I can’t help but parallel my sketchy, confined whereabouts to my position in the Manbbatical.
Being a comic on the road is the furthest thing from glamorous. But it’s what I’ve wanted to do for quite some time. Though it’s often filled with atrophy (shitty hotels, creepy, perverted dudes, little money, asshole crowds…) its benefits (making people laugh, making friends, traveling) always outweigh the calamities. I’ve worked hard to get where I am. But as I look around this shit-hole, & I think to myself, “how did I get here?” This is what I wanted. Finally I have my 1st headline weekend coming up. I’m just beginning to feel comfortable in my skin as a comic. I've worked tirelessly to get here- to this dark, lonely, dangerous hotel room. Part of it is romantic- the adventure of it all. I understand that this is the job. Sometimes it’s rewarding & worthwhile, & other times it stinks, & I feel like quitting (but I never will). These feelings mirror exactly my vehemence for my dude-pause. I’m halfway there. I’ve just met somebody with whom I’d like to get to know. I’d like to date (HIM). For real. Not just get railed by him & be sent packing, or sneak out the back door. This is what I wanted.
This paradox is incredibly frustrating, & necessary for my personal growth & "enlightenment". I’ve always believed in the cheesy cliché, “It’s not worth having if it’s not worth fighting for”. What is important to me in my life- I would defend & protect until my last breath. I love doing stand-up comedy. Even if it means living hand-to-mouth, wanting to jump off a bridge half of the time, & finding myself in agonizing situations. I love men, even when they break my heart. I want to better at men, & I really want to be a better comic. So I’ll eat the shit that comes along with the struggle towards success. I'll wait it out, & keep pushing.
I’ll do it, if I make it through the night without getting strangled.
ps. If i die, tonight- thanks for reading my blog. Sorry if you hate it.


Anonymous said...

In both situations you want to learn from your mistakes. As long as you're changing your method when it doesn't work, I think you're on the road to success. Good luck!

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