Sunday, October 3, 2010

WEINER In My Mouth

It’s difficult for me to write this. Not “difficult”, like an apology or delivering bad news- but literally, my body is so messed up, I can barely focus my eyes or get my hands to stop shaking à la Kate Hepburn circa 1990. Try to put yourself in my position: my 1 best friend is an actress on fire, my other best friend a rock star. Combine that with us being in Montreal (the real city that never sleeps), we haven’t seen each other in months, & there are many reasons to celebrate. Keep in mind that my life in Toronto lately has been pretty tame. I sleep 8hrs/night, eat well, go to the gym, listen to classical music, admire the birds & watch Jeopardy! to blow off steam. So to get here, go to rock shows, see all of my old friends, after-parties, smokin’ hot dudes, champagne, & all of the other *good* stuff that comes along with this lifestyle … I mean, let’s be fair. You can’t expect me to be in good shape. Please don’t expect me to be eloquent or insightful for this post.
However, with all of this misbehaving, some wonderful things have happened! I had SERIOUS exercise in self-restraint. Let me fill you in:
BAIT & her BF are in town from LA, as I’ve said. Because I arrived late (vag-mobile problems, previous post) Thursday night was spent at home with: BAIT, her BF, ÇA-RAGE, myself, & a friend of my friends, also in town from LA, whom I had never met. Let’s call him WEINER. WEINER is a film maker in LA, & is up here visiting/working, blah, blah, blah… He is rigoddamnediculously sexy. He’s smart. He’s accomplished. Mostly, he’s funny. He fit right in with ÇA-RAGE, BAIT & my cackling, gossip & scheming. Nothing happened that late night, but I knew I’d be dreaming of him… Friday, we all went to see BAIT’s BF play a show. It was amazing. If you like punk rock, partying, amazing friends, dancing, & other hysterics, you would’ve loved this production. There was an after-party. Coincidentally, the bar was partly owned by an old friend of mine from NYC, so drinks were flowing & there was no shortage of stupefacients. I had a long talk with a “friend” of mine- THE DOCTOR. He & I have been like 2 passing ships in the night for the past 10 years of our friendship. We’ve never addressed the sexual tension between us, but it’s been as obvious as the stars in the sky. Sometimes the clouds or pollution hides them, but they’re undoubtedly there. He & I have worked together several times throughout our careers, (he’s an actor) in plays, films & TV shows. We did a play a few years ago where we had to make-out. At the time, we were both in relationships with other people. The rehearsals were awkward, but lovely. It was a way for us to get away with something. We addressed our feelings Friday night for the 1st time. He asked me why we had never hooked up. I explained to him that he had slept with/dated a few of my very close girlfriends, which is an immediate turn-off (obvi). Not only do I know too much, but also I genuinely think it might hurt some of my pals. 2 of them in particular really fell for him, & he burned them quite harshly. (I didn’t relay their feelings; it’s not my place. But he must know, on some level.) Also, he & I could never date casually. It would be a big relationship. Clearly, if either one of us had been ready for that, wouldn’t it have happened by now? I would be lying if I denied that mid-way through our conversation, my eyes weren’t drifting over to check out WEINER. I wanted him, badly. At 530am, we decided to come home. WEINER hopped in the cab with ÇA-RAGE & I. WEINER asked me why THE DOCTOR was starring daggers at him. That broke my heart a bit, but I knew I wasn’t doing anything wrong, either way. The 3 of us came inside, & ÇA-RAGE went straight up to bed. I knew how easy it would be, even just to KISS him. I mean, why else was he here? I was open about my project, & was clear that I was off-limits, though I very matter-of-factly informed him that were it not for the Manbbatical, I would’ve been ripping his clothes off. Some may see this as flirting, therefore breaking rule #3, but throw me a bone here, people. Jesus. I’m doing the best I can! I wasn’t even sitting too close to him, I wouldn’t even let myself smell him or touch him innocently- I knew I’d never be able to turn back. I mean, I was wasted & horny. I’m pretty goddamned proud of myself, if you must know. By this time, it was 630am. I told him I was going upstairs to bed. There are 2 spare rooms, & I asked him if he wanted to sleep in the other one. He insisted on crashing on the couch. I asked him if I could get him anything, like a blanket or some water, and, (this is my FAVORITE PART) he asked me if I wouldn’t mind giving him a blow-job. It may sound jerky, or gross, but it was hilarious. His timing & delivery were perfect. We both laughed, & I told him that if my situation was different, I’d be honking on that horn fo shizzle. I wanted to lean over & kiss him goodnight, but I couldn’t. My self-restraint astounded me. I had a real moment of, “…no one will know, it’s just 1 little slip-up, who cares, this project is dumb anyway…” I pulled myself together. It was unbelievable. I crawled up the stairs, & smiled through the pain of my throbbing lady-parts. He was gone, in the morning. When ÇA-RAGE woke up, she asked me if she heard WEINER leaving early in the a.m, & what the hell happened… She believed me when I told her nothing sexual had transpired, much to my chagrin. There were SO many things I wanted to do/could have done. Even something as innocent/manipulative as taking off my bra (keeping my shirt on) while we “chatted”. I didn’t. I was a pro-hard-ass.
There was a brief moment yesterday morning before hitting the hair-of the dog where I could think clearly. I’m so glad I didn’t do anything. Where would it have gotten me? All preoccupied with some dude with a kid who lives over 2000 miles away? Yes, I’m sure the sex would have been nice, but most likely sloppy-drunky sex. That is exactly the kind of thing I want to STOP doing. One hot night does not a happy life make.
Who knew I could make good choices while in such a foggy state of mind? YAY, ME! YAY, MANBBATICAL!!!
Holy shit, I need to get laid.


Anonymous said...

You, mlle, are the rock and the roll.

Anonymous said...

"if i wouldn't mind giving him a blow job?"
isn't this the kind of thing you are trying to get away from?

sounds like a real gentleman to me.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there and finish what you started because you'll never start it over again. The whole point of this is to purposely go through those moments of doubt. The harder it is, the more value it'll have.
When the time finally comes you'll appreciate every moment that much more.

claire elyse said...

oh, thank you for the support! it was mentally AND physically agonizing to walk up those stairs alone, but i'm so happy i did. in the end, it's about what i want out of this project. what i need, for myself. also, maybe he sounds like a dick for having said what he said, but it was a joke. and a funny one, in the moment.

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