Monday, November 29, 2010

I Just Called To Say I Love You. And, I Hate You.

I’ve always been a jackass, since as long as I can remember. When I was in high school, at house parties I would change dentist & doctor’s appointments on the family calendar (in the same writing), & would turn up the heat to its maximum sufficiency before leaving, so the kids could really get their sweat on. I would order pizzas to my ex-boyfriend’s house, put moisturizing cream between the pages of his porn mags before shoving them under his bed (where I knew his mom vacuumed), move my friends’ cars as they played softball, put trash bins right outside the doors of classrooms (whereupon they would get deafeningly knocked over at the bell) & paint liquid paper on my teacher’s pants/butt to prove he wore the same ones, everyday.
In my adult life, this constant craving for douchebaggery & the spotlight, came forth when a bunch of us female comics were getting high & drinking at one of the ladies’ houses. I decided to crank-call some of our male counterparts. It made the girls laugh, & I had fun. It became my favorite party trick. We would scroll through the male comedians list of numbers & decide who my next sacrificial lamb would be. The best gag was to call a comic, pretend I was a huge fan (which would delight him) & proceed to recite another comic’s bits. He would then get angry, & tell me I had the wrong guy. The more I insisted, the funnier it was (for us) & the more affronted the comic became. Because many comedians are cursed with the noxious combination of low self-esteem and a huge ego (I’m talking about ME, & SOME, but not EVERYONE…) some of the guys were less than amused with my antics. Some were great sports & laughed about it. Some were furious with me. I had to do some damage control. My ex-boyfriend (VIDEOSTORE GUY) pleaded with me to stop. I should have realized it was the beginning of the end with us when I realized the prank was more important to me than his appeal.
Tonight I got a very creepy, weird, voice message. When my phone rang, it showed a “blocked” number, so as if I’m going to answer it. (I rarely answer when I DO know who’s calling… ) Most of it was inaudible. It sounded like a couple of men I can think of including HIM (though it can’t be HIM, for several reasons…) & also a bit like my dad. Which would be EXTRA creepy. The message started out with a man rambling on about being hungry & going to the fridge. Then he said, “I Love you. Was that so hard?” then he YELLED something crazy- like maniacal- & promptly hung up. I couldn’t make out what he was shrieking, but he sounded like he was certifiable, total section 8 styles.
Here’s the curious part: There are so many dudes I think it could/might have been. The message & my feeling towards it were so telling. It was all nice & sweet at 1st, & then CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY. Just like so many of the men I’ve loved (including family). All nice in the beginning, & then I’m scared they’re trying to murder me while I sleep. (Just kidding. Kind of. You really have no idea how annoyed my exes have been with me. I realize this is bad PR for myself, but it’s true. Ask any one of them. I get a real kick out of my jackassery. They don’t seem too turned on by it, after a while. I just pray that 1 day I find a man who is willing to take a joke even further than I am. I would marry him on the spot.) It also might have also been an attempt by an angry victim of my crank-calls, to “get me back”. I have some bad phone karma headed my way & I knew it was just a matter of time before it bit me in the ass.
This post may not be deep, or funny, or important. I just find it fascinating that a haunting, anomalous call could have come from numerous dudes I can think of. What does this say about the men I chose to like? Are they all mad at me? (I doubt they even remember my name...) Maybe it was a mistake call- a butt and/or purse-dial, not even meant for me. I played the message for BAIT, who also couldn’t figure it out. It’s really not a big deal. I just wonder who loves me & hates me at the same time. Most people I know, I should think.
Most people I know.


Luc said...

sounds like your past is catching up to you next time try finding out the creeps phone #

Beth Nicholls said...

"call a comic, pretend I was a huge fan (which would delight him) & proceed to recite another comic’s bits"


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