Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The Pledge Of Allegiance

I should preface this post by admitting that I’ve been up all day, had a show tonight, have had many drinks, smoked a couple of bowls, & took a Valium. Needless to say, I’m feeling all right. I’m killing time at the airport, until I return to Toronto for 1 night, & then off to Montreal with 2 of my favorite comics/friends to gig for the weekend. Seattle has been one of the most fun weeks of my life. The shows were great, the city amazing, & the people wonderful… I couldn’t have asked for anything better throughout my stay.
I missed HIM. A lot. I should come clean: We spoke via text/phone/Skype often throughout the week. MyStranger In A Strange Land idea became insolvent. I am to see HIM briefly tomorrow night, upon my return (he’s in town/Toronto for work…). I shouldn’t see HIM. I’m not supposed to. I should be at home, resting up for the 7hr drive ahead of me the next day. I should get my bearings being in my place, relaxing.
Don’t tell me you don’t know how I feel. When you first start seeing someone, or even if there’s just a spark of interest? You want to talk to them all the time, be with them whenever you can… This is exactly what I’m not allowed to do, & yet it’s all I want to do. When I began this project, I knew it was a possibility that I might meet someone who I genuinely cared about. I don’t think I really understood the magnitude of how difficult it might be, should that happen. In 9 short days, I’ll be at my halfway mark. Though part of me feels like the past 6 months have flown by, the other half of me feels like each month passes like an eternity. I don’t expect HIM to not sleep with other women. That’s not my fear. My fear is that he’ll sleep with a woman, & fall in love with her. Then I have to ask myself if hoping into bed with him right now would solve that dilemma? We still live 5000 miles apart. We still are just getting to know each other. There’s no commitment, no real relationship. I want there to be, but how can I even think about that?
I could give up. What would happen? I could keep writing this blog, telling you all how it’s going with HIM, with me, etc… But I’ve made a commitment. Not only to myself, but also to my readers & to those who’ve helped me promote the project. I could lie. I could sleep with HIM, deny it, & keep writing fraudulently. I could take my chances, keep this weird honest/dishonest/sexual/non-sexual thing going with HIM until the end, & see if he’s still interested. I must tell you- 90% of my free time is spent fantasizing about HIM. We have broken many rules, but none of the major, important ones. I like HIM. So far, from what I can tell, I really like everything about HIM.
The good news is this: I really don’t think I could ever love anything more than I love doing comedy. Though I’ve thought of HIM often throughout the week, when it came to my work & being on stage, that’s all I could think about. Some people may find that depressing. That I could love my work more than another person. Don’t ever ask me to choose… I’ll always pick telling jokes. Don’t ever ask any comic to choose. It’s better left unsaid. Can I love this project more than HIM? Right now, I’m not sure. I’m really taking it day by day. Have I given up on the Manbbatical emotionally? Right now, yes. I want to be with HIM. I want to go out for dinner with HIM, & go back to his hotel room & seduce HIM. I want to sleep there with HIM, wake up with HIM, shower with HIM, & kiss HIM goodbye, before I leave for the weekend. I want HIM to make me laugh (which he does incessantly), tell me stories, & hold me. That’s what I want. Why do I feel the need to pursue this? Some people tell me to just throw in the towel- life is short- just be with HIM if that’s what will make me happy. Others think that’s the easy way out. I should finish what I started (which I never do/hate doing). I’m trying to take the AA approach, of “just don’t fuck HIM, TODAY”… “Just get through this DAY, without loving HIM”…
It feels like it’s a lot easier said, than done.


Andre said...

You've come a long way to just give in now. If you do you'll feel like shit and hate yourself.

Plus, whether he admits it or not, this Dude will respect you more for staying the coarse.

Sean Ottey said...

Andre is totally right.

Besides, when HIM and I woke up in bed together this morning he said that I was his special little mister.

Andre said...

Wait, he said the same thing to me in the bathroom at KFC. That Slut!

Mark said...

Yes you could just sleep with him, but you know that isnt what you want. It may be what you need, but then your past six months have been a failure. Everyone will scream fail at you Claire. This blog will explode with pointlessness. You'll be heckled where it hurts ...your horny heart

HIM is waiting for you at the finish line, you just cant see HIM yet :P

Anonymous said...

If you give in, then we won't know how the story ends! The story, in fact, will end. Don't think about being a failure; this could make a great film one day. But you'd have to keep it up to see how it turns out!

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