Thursday, December 9, 2010

Hot For Teacher

“Smoked my stuff and drank all my wine
Made up my mind, make a new start
Goin' to California with an achin' in my heart”

Led Zeppelin, Going To California

LA, DAY 1.

I’m here. In LA. It took me 3 ½ days of (pretty much) non-stop driving… I decided to forgo the Grand Canyon & stopping off in Vegas… I jest felt I needed to get here. I couldn’t bear adding on any extra time in the car, no matter how beautiful the sights, or how shiny the lights might be. I was excited to see the Grand Canyon- the biggest hole in the world? AT LAST! SOMETHING to make my vagina look SMALL! Oh well… I know I’ll see it eventually. At a time when my back’s not tormenting me, & I’m not living on 5 hrs sleep & 10 coffees per day…

I love LA. Why would anyone ever want to leave this magical place? Especially if your best friend was here, the potential man of your dreams/future-ex-husband lived here, you were surrounded by people who excel at & produce all of the things you love to do… it’s inspiring. It’s sunny. I’m writing by the pool, knowing back home (in Toronto) there’s 3 feet of snow on the ground. I just had breakfast on a golf course with my bestie (BAIT, & her boyfriend…) as people chipped & putted away, & others rode by on horseback. You can buy individual margaritas at the gas station. Are you KIDDING ME, universe? What are you trying to tell me? You obviously never want me to leave, here.

LA, DAY 2.
I got to see the raddest thing ever, last night. HIM got up & did a (stand-up) set at an open-mic here, in LA. HIM hasn’t done stand-up comedy in THIRTY YEARS. It was SUCH a treat to watch him! I was jealous of my own self, & wishing that my comedy comrades (COWBOY CAT, MS.MET, CUPCAKE, PLAYA, SOUTHERN BELLE, PUMPKIN EATER, CRACKERS, BING-BANG, EXCALIBUR, FLOATING HEAD, GARY ST.KEVIN, VOT, etc…) had been there to see it. It was incredible. I was more nervous for HIM than he was, I think. He did 15 minutes. Every bit he delivered was great. I laughed my ass off. I just couldn’t believe it. He’s been talking to me about getting up, again. As a fan & a comedy nerd, I was VERY excited by this news. As someone who cares about HIM, I was thrilled, because I think it’ll be a great move for HIM. It was astounding that he just jotted down some notes in the afternoon, got up after 3 decades of stand-up abstinence, & gave a seamless, brilliant performance. If I skip 3 days of telling jokes, it takes me a while to shake off the rust…
It was fascinating to watch the (small) crowd. They obviously knew who he was, & were fans, & waiting to see what he would do. None of us were disappointed. Sometimes I forget that he truly is, (as far as I’m concerned) a comic genius. When I hang out with HIM, he’s obviously funny. He’s obviously entertaining. He’s obviously watchable (I’ve never been able to take my eyes off of HIM, long before we met…) but he’s also just a man. A wildly different kind of man than I’ve ever known, however. He was so cool & collected before getting up on stage. He wasn’t all weird & introverted & paranoid before he got up. He was just the right level of confident- which in fact is how is, most of the time. I feel so lucky that I get such an up-close, silent, private tutorial from one of the best comedy minds of my generation. I can just watch HIM be. It just makes me wonder what on earth I can possibly offer HIM, in return? I mean, I can’t even give HIM sex. I don’t mean to fish for compliments, or genuinely get down on myself, but seriously… What exactly is he getting out of this?
Whatever this relationship between HIM & I turns out to be, I'm just so grateful that he's in my life- in any capacity. He inspires me as a performer, & encourages me as a friend. He's loyal, reliable, & kind. Regardless of our (non) sex-life, his influence & friendship has meant more to me than he knows.

All of that said, LA is so great- I just want to stay. No offense, Toronto.


Anonymous said...

I finally figured out who HIM is (new follower to your blog) and I'm very excited for you!

Anonymous said...

Male comics are douchebags, what makes this one so different? Money/fame only heightens the aforementioned. Hope you're not falling into a trap with your "school-girl" crush!

Anonymous said...

re "what is he getting out of this" YOU Claire, he's getting YOU! That's loads sista! It's a mystery to most of us why people fall in love with other people, so the only answer that isn't even reasonable is "just because". just because it's you. take it and enjoy it.

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