Monday, December 6, 2010

Lone Wolf McQuade

Day 3 on the road towards LA from Toronto, & here’s what I’ve learned so far:

1. 4 star hotels are a lot different than super 8 motels. Don’t order a smoking room in a motel, EVER. Even if you haven’t been allowed to smoke all day & have only done so in the freezing cold, hiding around the corner from a gas pump for the past 3 days. IT STINKS IN HERE. It smells like dead hookers & apathy. Also, be careful of Stabby-Raper VonKillerpants in the next room. Tell someone where you are. Consider writing a “goodbye” note, to your loved ones. If he doesn’t kill you, you might begin considering it, yourself. Just sayin’.
2. There are lots of billboards along the highway for gun shops & “adult” superstores. Don’t be alarmed. Go in & check these places out. It will kind of blow your socks off.
3. Eating junk food on the road will certainly put you (me) in a food coma approximately 1 hour after ingestion. Try to stay away from bread, dairy, pop & sugar. The times when I’ve opted for salad, water & maybe a piece of fruit, I’ve driven much farther stretches & stayed wide-awake.
4. If you listen to the radio at all along the way, you will have very strong feelings about Jesus- one way or the other- by the time you reach your destination.
5. Racist bumper stickers are all the rage, down here.
6. Doing this drive sans GPS should be illegal. I never would have made it past Sarnia, Ontario without it. Big ups to my boy EXCALIBUR for suggesting it & lending me his. XOX
7. Sometimes no music, & no talking are nice. It’s astounding the long stretches I’ve done in complete silence, & liked it.
8. If you’re a comic, make sure to have an app on your phone with a voice-recording device (i.e. “voice demos”) you’ll see/hear/think of some great jokes along the way, & if you’re driving alone, you can’t write it down. Unless you have 3 arms & eyes on the back of your head. In which case, quit bragging, & you probably don’t even NEED to write jokes, because your look is a hilarious joke played on you by life, itself.
9. At night, stretch, do some sit-ups, push-ups & dance for a bit in your hotel room. Get your juices flowing.
10. Enjoy the scenery. It’s beautiful, in it’s way- even if it’s just farm after farm. It passes you by in a flash, & then you’ve already arrived when you wanted to be.

See you soon, LA…


Luc said...

I knew you were funny, now it,s official.

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