Friday, December 31, 2010

Love At 1st Sight

I believe in love at 1st sight. It’s obviously not the same kind of love that 2 people end up sharing together after real intimacy, and/or history together- but I believe it exists, nonetheless. I know because it’s happened to me, a lot. The 1st time I MET ALADIN (I had been a fan of his band in high school…), he took my breath away before he spoke a word. I was literally winded. He was so beautiful- it was like the earth stopped spinning & gravitation had it’s own agenda for he & I. The 1st time I met TRI-POD, I was dating his best friend. When his friend introduced us, I knew I had chosen the wrong amigo. I knew that TRI-POD & I had a connection that needed to be effectuated. The same is true about my high school sweetheart, & my college boyfriend. The 1st time I MET HIM (obviously & as previously discussed, I’ve always know who HIM is) I knew I had to make HIM mine. I hate saying that- it sounds so provincial, but that's how I felt. In my opinion, who could blame me for falling instantly in love with ANY of these men? They’re aren’t the only men I’ve instantaneously fallen for (or LOVED, BTW...)- but these are my personal best examples of being whipped by love’s coup de foudre. They are each so charming, talented, sexy, funny… I feel like no woman or gay dude with seeing eyes & a beating heart could disagree, but I sure am glad that lots of have.
One of the (many) problems with falling for somebody before you really know whom he or she is, is that you create an IDEA about who they are, that is usually delusive. This isn’t to say that they are worse than you imagined them to be, but you should certainly expect them to be different than the make-believe person you’ve conjured up. Along those same lines, is when one (ME) puts them on a pedestal, it isn’t fair to anybody involved. It’s not fair for HIM (for example) because he never asked to be placed up there. He never denied or tried to hide who he is, what he wants, or what he’s capable of. It’s also unjust, because now he has nowhere to go, but down. The reason it’s unfair to ME is that, I’m basically saying HIM’s better than me- not giving myself any credit.
Unfortunately for me, putting the men I’m dating/not dating/am hot for on such a high horse, is a bad habit. I so often think I’m not worthy of their affection, that they can & will do “better” than me, that I’ll never be “enough” for them. Equally as unfortunate, is that by feeling so strongly that way, my heart gets broken regularly- it begets itself.
I should know by now, that taking things slowly in a relationship is not to be underestimated. Getting to know someone, getting to know yourself WITH him or her, & allowing her or him to get to know who YOU really are, is such an asset for a strong foundation of a relationship.
For those of you who follow my Manbbatical like the soap opera that it (almost) is, I’ll tell you that HIM hasn’t let me down in any way- if that’s what you’re thinking. Is it difficult to care about a man who’s legacy has inspired me (almost) my whole life? Who cares about me too- but who lives thousands of miles away? Who is NOT my boyfriend, who hates to be alone & who loves women? Who I love to hang out with, talk to & (yes, even) flirt with? Fuck. Yes. It’s tearing me apart. The whole point of this year was to STAY AWAY FROM THIS KIND OF BULLSHIT. I know the heart wants what it wants, but my brain & common sense also want what they want- & I can’t keep ignoring that.
So, I admit it. In that respect, I’ve fucked up this project. I fell for HIM. I’m feeling the blow, & it hurts.
Now it’s time for me to pick myself up, & keep going.
PS. I have NOT fucked HIM. Believe me, I’d be yelling off the rooftops/tweeting mercilessly if I had! Unfortunately, in NO WAY does that alleviate my affection for HIM.


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