Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Queen Of The Road

"Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?"
Jack Kerouac, On The Road

This Saturday morning, I’m leaving by myself to drive a friend’s car across America to Los Angeles. It’s a road trip I’ve always wanted to do, & this opportunity sort of fell right into my lap. I was to be in LA regardless, & my friend needed someone to get her vehicle there. I decided to go for it. My family is less than pleased. They think it’s dangerous for me to go at this alone, for a myriad of reasons. I keep trying to remind them that I’m a grown woman, but it’s hard to convince them when I’m so often juvenile & callow. I’m looking forward to it. I think the trip has befallen me at the most suitable time in my Manbbatical. I’ve struggling so much over the past 2 months… with my feelings for HIM, my own indulgences & despondency, & wondering if I’m getting anything worthwhile out of this project, at all. I’ve planned my route (mostly), but certainly am not unwilling to deviate from the course, if I feel the need. I guess that’s pretty reflective of how I live my life… I can think of nothing more constructive than to be alone, with only my tunes, my thoughts, the open road & myself. I can (try & begin to) figure out where I’m at, & take stock of what I’ve done so far. And what have I done, so far? What have I learned?
I’m past the halfway mark, & right now I feel like I’m no further ahead than I was on day 1. I mean, I’ve learned the discipline of committing to something- writing this blog, every 2 days or so. I’ve learned that if you put yourself under the microscopic view of the (internet) world, people will say really shitty things to, & about you, but others (in overwhelming numbers) will relate & be supportive. I’ve learned that if you take yourself off the market, you’ll never get more offers of sex, dates, kisses, &/or perverts wanting to get with you in some way. I’ve learned that when I really like someone (like, REALLY care for them) that I have only a marginal amount of self-discipline. (Were it not for HIM’s manners & gumption, I probably would have slept with HIM.) I’ve learned that I’m very horny. I’ve learned that I love romance. (I’m DYING to go out on a romantic DATE. Candles, wine, dressing up, whispers of naughty things & secrets, coming home & having sex…) I’ve learned that even though I desperately want to be through with comics, I don’t know if I ever will be. I’ve learned that I quite enjoy being alone. Like right now-I’m in my own, clean, little apartment, listening to Frank Sinatra croon Moon River, drinking wine, smoking cigarettes in my pajamas, with my cat… & I like that. (I honestly don’t give a shit how much of a clichéd single woman I sound like.) I want to be by myself tonight. I might regret that on my 4th day of solitude on the road.
You know what really cuts me deep? All of these things that I’ve “learned”, I already knew. I always know the right decision to make… we all do. We just don’t always make them. I guess the main thing I’m learning, is patience. And not because I want to- but because I have to.
I’m excited for this road trip. I think it will be good for me, for so many reasons. I’ll keep you updated with my stories from the road.

"What is that feeling when you're driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? — it's the too-huge world vaulting us, and it's good-by. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies."
Jack Kerouac, On The Road

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Claire, your roadtrip will no doubt be an amazing experience. Be safe and always look over your car quickly when returning to it. Remember to always bring a roll of toilet paper in the car with you, it can be a life saver.

Luc said...

Claire wish you a safe trip with no car trouble. Dont forget to spay the light bulb (in your suite) with your favorite perfume. It will remind you of your cumfee app.

Anonymous said...

Plan out a few stops..no the distances between motels/hotels to make sure you don't get stuck!

Anonymous said...

Him is obviously Jim Carrey (who is Canadian and has been married twice before as you've hinted). Oh he also lives in L.A. and since Jim rhymes with HIM. There you have it :)

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