Saturday, January 8, 2011

Can't See The Forest For The Trees

"Live, or die. But don't poison everything."
Anne Sexton

I’m in sunny LA staying with my bestie (BAIT) working, laughing, seeing friends… I have every reason to be happy & grateful at the moment- & yet, I completely lost my shit last night. Maybe it’s hormones, perhaps my up-coming 34th birthday, & it may just be that I REALLY need to get laid. Like, REALLY need to get laid. Thank God it was just BAIT & I- not in front of a group of people or a dude. It’s never cute when I transform into a lunatic. BAIT & I were having a normal conversation and POW. Me= batshit-crazy.
To speak frankly, I don’t feel like I’m alone in my craziness, lately. A few of my girlfriends have really been circling the drain themselves, lately. For the past two weeks, I literally feel like I’m drowning; I’m being swallowed by a dark sea- submerged, like a universal deluge that’s slurping up too many of my pals. It's as if I'm trying to tread water while there are bricks tied to my ankles.
It’s a tricky thing to feel low. There’s nothing more pathetic or boring than when one hangs themselves on the cross. I can’t STAND feeling sorry for myself, & I loathe listening to people piss & moan when they actually have it pretty good. But man did I indulge in some serious self-pity last night. I’m tired. I’m tired of being poor. I’m tired of the vag-mobile (my car) breaking down. I’m tired of having to choose between paying my rent, and paying my bills. I’m tired of feeling like no man will ever fall in love with me. I’m tired of being lonely. I’m tired of feeling like there’s always something missing. I feel like I’ve been working really hard for a long time, & I’ve got very little to show for myself except HPV- which I didn’t even know I HAD, for like, the past 5 years. Besides, I’m pretty sure every woman I KNOW has HPV. I’m finding increasing difficult to stay positive these days, which is ridiculous because everything is on the up & up. Or is it?
BAIT was quick to remind me of all I have to be thankful for. I know she’s right. She told me that many people would love to have my life. I suppose it’s all part of being an adult… It’s always a struggle, there’s ALWAYS something, & we just need to keep soldiering on.
With a little over 4 months left to go on the MANBBATICAL, I’m beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Though I’m bonkers with excitement, I’m also extremely nervous. What if nothing changes? What if I’m the same old me after all of this is said & done? What if I keep chasing unavailable men or assholes- never allowing myself to be in a happy, healthy relationship? What if when the dick-diet is over, I’ve learned nothing; have no more self-awareness or self-esteem than I did when I began the cock-cleanse? I’m not even completely sure what it is I WANT in 4 months. If I can’t be specific about that goal, how can I possibly hope to achieve it?
BAIT says that no matter what you have, or what you’ve achieved in your life, that you still feel anxious, sad and/or inadequate at times. I know that’s true. It just makes me sad. I guess you can only use yourself as a measuring stick- being proud of what you’ve done & pushing yourself to do more. I feel like I’m living the life that I wanted to live, I just feel like it would be nice to have more of a pay-off.
I suppose the lesson I need to learn is that I get extreme pay-off all the time- in my friends, my family, my work, my home… If all of those blessings can't make me happy & proud- then it’s doubtful anything else will.


Stella Marina said...

I hear ya at the other end of the country. I guess we just have to keep on it 24-7-that's exhausting though. A lot of my voodoo new age friends are saying right now that planets are colliding & all that jazz.

lately, I've been going in 6-9 month waves of super-crazy happy & organized (I have thyroid issues & i agree with your hpv point-we all probably as thyroid issues as well thanks to the wonderful world of societal conditioning, etc.) mixed & alternating with super-crazy tired & lethargic.

anyway, i enjoyed your interview on dnto yesterday-you r one mightly fine & brave woman.

Bravo to you & may the next 4 months speed by like time usually does.

Shannon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shannon said...

Wow. I am feeling exactly the same way. Lost my shit today. I have so much I should be happy about, and yet I cannot grasp the feeling of joy. I wonder if the man I need will fall in love with me. Or like the last few times, will it be that I am the women they need, leaving my real needs not fulfilled. Thanks for your honesty. Enjoy the warm sunshine, cuz its frreeezzing here in Canada.

Anonymous said...

This website might help you figure out some of your relationship patterns:

That said, I know dozens of amazing women over 30 that are single, so don't feel bad. It seems to be like this whether you're in Toronto, New York, LA...wherever. Maybe it's just demographics. So, if it's at all comforting, you are not alone and there's nothing wrong with's just a strange generation to be a straight female in, maybe.

Stay strong! You seem like a very lovely, caring person and if a man doesn't recognize that, it's his loss.

Anonymous said...

Je pense que vos difficultes sont post-moderne. La question reste: que dois-je faire quand la vie n'a pas de la raison? Autrefois, la religion et la famille fournissaient confort et espoir. Bon courage!

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