Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Mercy Killing

"Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way, turn."
Charles De Mar, Better Off Dead (1 of the best movies, ever...)

I have decided I have to pull the plug on my non-relationship with HIM.
It’s breaking my heart, but it has to be done. I made a promise to myself that I would spend a year focusing on myself, & since I met HIM- he’s been taking up a lot of my brain & heart space.
I know some of you believe that when you find “love” or, “the one”, then you should make the most of that opportunity & not give up on it.
HIM is amazing in so many ways- but I am on a Manbbatical- and he is NOT my boyfriend. Do I “love” HIM? I don’t know. It’s not fair or appropriate for me to figure that out, right now. HIM lives thousands of miles away. HIM has a slew of his own reasons why he can’t be in a “relationship”. We cannot be together right now. End of story.
I’m afraid he’ll forget about me come May 18th 2011. I’m afraid he’ll forget about me period. That’s a chance I need to take. It sucks balls hard- (excuse the lack of poetry) & I hate it, but it’s the only thing I can do. (Please read other/older posts if you’d prefer more eloquent forms of expression. I’m too heavyhearted to be skillful with words, right now.)
My heart is breaking over it. I was to be absolved of all romantic love & heartbreak this year. I fucked up- I’m paying the price. I have to relieve this intractable suffering.
Robert Latimer still insists (after almost 20 years) that what he did was right. IN NO WAY am I trying to compare my lady-boner for HIM to an actual human life, but I hope in 20 years, I will look back with the same calm resolve as Mr. Latimer has.

I’m glad Latimer finally free. I’m looking forward to when my heart has finished it’s own confining sentence.

"I guess this is what I'm supposed to learn
I guess this is what I'm supposed to learn
But learning is so devastating"

Hawksley Workman, Devastating


Someone said...

I am so sorry Claire. You KNOW I understand what you are feeling right now. I'm going through the same thing on the other coast. Be strong and take the advice you gave me.


Sassy said...

Hey Claire.
Sticking to something we've promised ourselves is no joke and no way is it easy. But the end result will be that pride and confidence you get from putting your foot down. HIM is a natural obstacle which can and only will occur when you decide to focus on yourself. Just another test to see how dedicated you are. (The Universe is a huge cunt)
.You are strong and have come this far. Stay the path. HIM will be there waiting for you. How can he not?I may not know you well but I see a beautiful, smart, witty, loving woman. He'll be there and so will you...Better than ever!
Take care

Anonymous said...

HIM is a trap! Abort!

claire elyse said...

@someone: i thought i told you yo go out & get laid? that's the ONLY thing i CAN'T do.
miss you pal.

Luc said...

Well said " Sassy " ..but anonymous has it right...MOVE ON with your life and forget about will thank me latter!!

Miss Anita Goodmann said...

You know what "LOVE" loves? A woman who follows through with her commitments to the bitter end, that's who.

JoJo said...

You are making the right decision. I'm proud of you, and to use your words, "I miss your guts!"

Anonymous said...

I think you made the right decision!

- lisa

sbynoe said...

Wow. A friend just sent this to me because on January 5, 2011 I gave my 'him' my non-relationship relationship guy of over a year an ultimatum either you're with me seriously or I'm cutting you out of my life.

Thank you for sharing yourself in this inspiring blog.

Now, I'm debating doing my own manbbatical.

Similarly in heart-break.


Anonymous said...

Do people out there think that women dislike non-relationship relationships more than men do? And if so, why do you think that is? I'm asking as a man who is enjoying non-relationship relationships at the moment, and trying to understand how women may experience them.

Anonymous said...

What a brave decision! Necessary, it probably felt to you, but still brave. And by growing yourself, you'll be growing the person that a guy will one day fall in love with. A guy will fall in love with YOU, and so it's important for you to be you and to find out who you are.

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