Tuesday, January 18, 2011

My Own Worst Frenemy.

"I have never found anybody who could stand to accept the daily demonstrative love I feel in me, and give back as good as I give."
Sylvia Palth

All right. I think it’s beginning to sink in. I have very low self-esteem. I’m not sure why, but I do. I don’t know when it’s started- it wasn’t always this unrelenting. I usually blame my most recent ex-boyfriend, but in fact I think it started before him. I’m starting to remember him telling me I had low self-esteem. I never believed him when he told me. The reason it’s been weighing on my spirit lately, is because HIM told me I have low self-esteem. Yesterday, my girlfriend CUPCAKE told me I have a low self-esteem. BAIT, ÇA-RAGE, CELESTIE, PEACOCK, MS.MET & CRACKERS have all told me I have low-self-esteem. So I’m starting to think I might have low self-esteem.
I’m not sure where it came from. I feel like there must have been a time when I was sure of myself on many levels. I feel like there must have been a time when I was sure about myself with men. I’m not always so bad when it comes to my work. In fact, I usually feel at my peak of confidence when I’m on stage, or on set (or on stage ACTING, for that matter- though it’s been years since I’ve done a play. Sad-face). If I’ve showered, brushed my hair, put on a clean shirt- I usually feel pretty dauntless doing my every day activities. Not at the gym, (when I manage to get my lazy ass there) mind you. At the gym I constantly feel like a jerk. Over the years I’ve gone to yoga, Pilates, spin, boxing, karate, swimming, running, etc… & no matter what I do, I feel like I look like a hen with her head cut off, with cellulite on her thighs & a very sweaty guillotined head. At this point, I just suck it up & go… knowing that I’m rarely alone in my jackass-awareness. We're not all natural born athletes.
I realize I’m hard on myself. A lot of it’s a joke. People have said it’s damaging even in jest, but I also feel like it’s what makes me who I am. I know what I’m good at, & I know where my weaknesses lie. I hate letting myself off the hook. I know I shouldn’t crucify myself over every little flaw, & simply try to improve on what makes me unhappy about myself.
Yet my self-deprecation in regards to my relationships with men seems to have hit a new low in recent years. It’s got to be the reason why I’ve settled for men who don’t give me what I need- whether it be sexually, or emotionally. I’ve been afraid to speak my mind, to tell men what I want. I’m so afraid they’ll leave me. CUPCAKE, MS.MET, BAIT, PEACOCK & ÇA-RAGE have been urging me for years to see myself as a catch to men, trying to remind me that I have a lot to offer. The disturbing thing is, that I know they’re right. Deep down inside, I know I’m a good girlfriend, a good woman. I’m not sure why it’s so hard for me to believe. I can’t imagine a man making any sort of grand gesture for my love, let alone even think of me when I’m not with him.
One of the many problems with this negative mentality is that it begets itself on so many levels. It must be so boring for a man to know that I never feel worthy of him. It must be frustrating to try to convince me. Then they do get fed up, & take off. Who can blame them? That was one of the MAIN problems with my most recent ex, VIDEO STORE GUY. HIM says that I focus on the negative. I don’t know why it resonated so much when he told me (over everyone else) but it has. It’s making me feel terrible. He didn’t say it to be a douche, he said it because it’s true.
It’s so cliché, so obvious... until I can believe it myself- that I’m good enough- (in fact more than good enough) for someone else to love me, any romantic relationship will be doomed. Especially because the last thing I want is for someone else to save me, or to fix me. It’s sort of a paradox, or a contradiction. I want to have faith in myself without my self-assurance depending on if I have a man in my life or not, & yet I can never seem to believe in me without a man's love or praise. It's pathetic, really. Although not uncommon, unfortunately.
It’s interesting to me, because I think my friends are the best people on earth, & I never doubt THEIR love for me- so why can’t I believe that a man that I’m romantically entangled with, might even like me?

Today I’m really glad that I have FOUR WHOLE MONTHS left. It’s going to take me at least that long to BEGIN to figure out how to work on this problem. And it’s something I absolutely HAVE to do, alone.


Anonymous said...

I like this post... The way you're talking sounds healthy. (Okay, except for the part where you were a hen with its head cut off.) But in general, seriously, this sounds healthier, which I think shows up in the last paragraph, where you're glad you still have 4 months left, and where you say that in that time you'll be happy if you can begin to figure out some of these issues. It sounds like you might be starting to take the long view--seeing that these are issues with long histories that require a long time to resolve or even just to improve, perhaps a lifetime of curiosity, exploration and reflection. But things can improve, I believe and have experienced, with that continued work and long view of things, and, whatever your hang-ups (not to downplay them in any way), there's clearly a lot of health, life and energy in you. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

i agree with anonymous up there. best post in a while. you've posted a lot about your problems in life, but in this post you actually sound grounded and honest- like you're hitting a new level. so while it seems that you've found something difficult about yourself, through the surface of the difficulty I think you're actually making real progress. i'm inspired.
go claire!

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