Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Live And Don't Learn

You see my problem is this: I'm dreaming away; Wishing that heroes, they truly exist. I cry watching the days. Can't you see I'm a fool in so many ways? But to lose all my senses... That is just so typically me.
Britney Spears Oops! I Did It Again

I wasn’t going to blog about this, but I feel I have to. After having talked it over with BAIT this morning, she helped me realize that my readers aren’t following because of the “outcome” necessarily, but because of the content. I hope this is true- on the grounds that I may lose some readers after they check out this post.

It may or may not be clear to you how brokenhearted I’ve been re: the end of my “non-relationship” with HIM. Last night, the OUT OF CONTROL EGO & I had a long talk about my situation regarding my throbbing crush. I told her all about how HIM has listed all of the reason why we SHOULDN’T be together, & in my heart, I know HIM is right. He said that he’d still like to “be” with me come May 18th 2011, but he hopes that I won’t feel the same because he thinks I “deserve better”. If I’ve learned ANYTHING in the past 34 years, it’s that when a (non) lover tells you something, you should listen. Especially when it’s an old guy who’s been around the block. He’s got a lot of baggage & issues, & he doesn’t foresee it boding well for us. It’s not to say he doesn’t care for me (I genuinely think he does), but he just doesn’t think it’s going to work. He wants me to focus on my project & remember the reasons I began this Manbbatical in the 1st place. He wants to wait & see what happens for us in the spring, & I know it’s for the best. I’ve always been of the opinion that when a man cares enough, he will find a way to be with you. When people say it’s not personal, it still is. What this really means is that he doesn’t want to pursue a relationship with ME, & I know it.
I’m doing okay, but my heart is heavy & I’ve been trying to just move on. I am in love with HIM. I know I fall in love a lot, but I really love HIM- for all of the good, & all of the bad reasons. BAIT thinks I’m constantly doing myself a disservice by idolizing HIM so much, & never thinking I am worthy of his love. She’s obviously right- & while it might have boosted HIM’s ego, it must have been annoying as well. It just sucks so much. I was really proud of myself when we first decided on the (non) split, because I could have hooked up with this dude 2 nights later, & I didn’t do it. I felt like I was finally beginning to “get it”. Fooling around with someone else wasn’t going to heal my heart sickness- it would only veil the pain for a short time, thus piling up more & more bitterness & desolation deep inside me.
Last night (I’m in Halifax right now on tour) I went out for dinner with my friend ORGAN DONOR & some of his very handsome, charming pals. They paid me lots of attention & it was a great boost for my sore ego. As the night wore on, the drinks flowed freely & my brain became foggy. Though my judgment was substandard (to say the least) I still knew what I was doing. ORGAN DONOR, his friend CREW & I decided to keep the party going by coming back to OD’s house (where I’m staying for a couple of nights). There was an obvious connection with CREW & I, & I knew I should be treading carefully. Instead, I ran full-force into a major smooch with him, & things went downhill/uphill from there. I DID NOT SLEEP WITH HIM. But that’s beside the point. I woke up once again this morning, feeling as though I have learned NOTHING. I know just why I did it: he was hot, funny, he liked me, I was drunk, feeling awful about myself but still having fun, & quite frankly- really fucking horny. I wanted to be wanted. It felt really good. Which is great, because now I feel terrible. BAIT says that naturally I’m harder on myself than anyone else would ever be, & that I don’t need to crucify myself over it. It was a mistake, & it’s all part of this dong-recess process. I have definitely had some major bumps in the road. She always says that it’s like if I were on a diet, I wouldn’t stop going to restaurants, having some snacks & sometimes a little cookie here or there. (Her metaphor is much more eloquent & contemplative, but I’m paraphrasing…) This slip-up feels particularly precarious as I only have a little over 3 months left to go, & by now I was hoping to be more educated, discerning, or at least more careful. I’m terrified that in the spring I will have finished my Manbbatical & will be the same woman I was when I began- that I just wasted a year & everyone’s time. The WORST part is that last night was pretty hot. Like, really fucking sexy. The kind of sexy that flashes in your mind all day when you least expect it, & it stops you dead in your tracks. The kind of sexy that makes my cheeks flush & my heart beat faster. I wish it had at least been bad or awkward, so I could punish myself a little more.
Some of you may be disappointed. Believe me, there’s no way you could be more let down by me than I am of myself. (Huh? Whatever. You know what I mean…) But I did it. And I want to be as honest as I can throughout this project, so you can judge me however you want- but I’m not going to stop. Life is really hard & I’m just trying to get better at living it.
Also to CREW, if he reads this: I’m really sorry if I gave you blue-balls.


Anonymous said...

As an armchair psychotherapist and pathological meddler, I feel qualified to suggest that you are more than likely far more educated, discerning, and more careful than you were when you began.

Don't beat yourself up* about slipping up. It is very, very difficult to apply new knowledge and skills when you're under pressure (and liquored up). Four months from now, and beyond, I think you'll surprise the hell out of yourself at how effectively you'll be able to navigate situations like these.


*Try off.

Anonymous said...

Oh goodness...whatever you do, do NOT get involved with HIM. Ever. That man is single for a reason, and he's telling it to you like it is. If you sleep with him at the end of your project, you will fall in love with him MORE and waste MORE of your time. He knows this, but he won't stop it (you're hot and young and that will feel so good for him, not to mention the obvious emotional connection). Please, I have been there and this never turns out well. When a man tells you to look elsewhere...LISTEN. Always. You do not need to learn this lesson any more in your life.

And as for your slip's no big deal. Better that than being at home pining after a man who is incapable of loving you the way you deserve to be. I know you think the world of HIM but find a place in your emotional landscape to be okay with not ending up with him romantically. Be his friend if you need to be but never ever be his lover. Do not sabotage yourself like that. If you do, it will just be a horrible emotional mess and you'll spend way too long wasting your time with him. Do not hit 40 and look back on your prime years lusting after a man who is no where good enough (in a love-sense) for you. I've been there, please be smart! The red flags are everywhere Claire. HEED THEM.

Anonymous said...

So much catholic school girl guilt.

Assume toi ostie.

Listen, don't get me wrong, I respect what you're doing and I certainly get a kick outta following the story.

But you're like a crackhead who hangs out in the crack house, and then wonders why it hurts so fucking bad.

As stupid and parental as it may sound, don't put yourself in these positions. The only difference you've made in the last year is take sex out of the equation, while on the other hand you still put yourself in the exact same situations. No wonder its so hard (there's a cock joke in there somewhere, but I'll let you take care of it).

If you ask me... you still have some distance to go before you find the understanding you're looking for - otherwise, you're just the creepy dude in the movie/tv show who whips himself for having naughty thoughts.

Anonymous said...

Aww, don't feel bad Claire. We all slip up from time to time. And you have changed. What were you doing this time last year? Were you on tour across Canada? Were you happy with the man you were with? Were you making good decisions? Were you as successful as you wanted to be? As far as I can tell from reading your blog the answer is no. So while maybe you haven't figured yourself out when it comes to relationships and sex and men, you've done so much with yourself in these last 9 months to be proud of. At the end of these three months, you just have to figure out how to incorporate the positives you've learned about yourself (working harder, being healthier etc), into a life where penis is still a priority...but not the only priority. Well, still a HIGH priority, but you get what I'm saying here right? ;)

Anonymous said...

Drama Mama, you have some growing up to do,please apply the good advice in your life people are giving you and stop being so hard on your self.

Anonymous said...

Drama mama is right... thats 2 people who have blue balls now during the project -- I think every rule has been broken except sex.

Anonymous said...

I did a manbattical years ago for a year as well (before the internet!). In retrospect it wasn't long enough - i found i was too horney by the end of the year to be rational and i fell into the same old trap of boning a loser right off the hop! I am now in my fourth year of a current manbattical and i couldn't be happier. I found out I REALLY like myself and I really enjoy being single without all the b.s. that comes with a relationship. I am successfully no longer "boy crazy". I guess my point is that a year isn't enough time with this kind of thing (IMO). Listen listen listen to your heart's song :)

Charlotte said...

Charlotte again. I'm likely going to sound harsh but here goes. One, you need to take yourself out of these situations. It might mean getting off the drink while you undertake the project. If you really want to keep your wits about you around men, then keep your wits about you at all times. No substances. Two, if you want to change, then you must change. Yes, this is a difficult project. But it seems to me that when you put yourself in this situation, you knew you needed to do something. Only, you're not doing what you know you need to do. There is a certain liberty that comes from digging deep into your soul and finding yourself. No man will give you that. Ever. It will be a gift you give yourself. Three, Maya Angelou once said that if a man tells you he's not good enough for you, that he doesn't deserve you, he's probably right. She's a fairly wise gal and I totally agree with her. Convince yourself of that and move on.
You've undertaken something very difficult - something to be proud of. But don't compromise yourself by avoiding the tough work. Be with the sadness, loneliness, and hurt, because they are all a part of you. Love them like you love the joy and pleasure, and there will be richness.

Anonymous said...

I think you're slipping up because you're depriving yourself. Perhaps this manbatical is the wrong way to approach your boy-crazy ways. I think you should put more attention towards being more discerning about your encounters with men.

There's nothing wrong with being with someone when you're horny and there's nothing wrong with focusing on your career. The problem occurs when you rule out a perfectly natural and essential part of your existence.

You're setting yourself up for failure.

shesthesheriff said...

Holy shit!

I love this post b/c I'm right there with you (I'm on a chickbattical which I have a shitty blog about). I'm not saying your blog is shitty, thats my feelings of inferiority and jealousy that your battical is getting more support than my battical. How come you get more attention for not getting laid than i do!

OK anyway-

So you had some hot action--and you're right, the only way to turn the ship around and get back on track is to have an awkward encounter, possibly with a man who smells strongly of marinating spices and owns several steven segal t-shirts. If he leads off with discussion of his world of warcraft character(s) then you've hit the jackpot---hells yes girl---prepare to have your unsexy all sexed up and shit.

Because once you've had your unsexy rocked till the break the break of 3 minutes after the unsexy started, then there ain't no lookin back to the place you was. And stuff n' things.

(I'm trying to get these lyrics to Justin Bieber but he's not returning my calls)

Anonymous said...

For the love of all that is unholy, please, please, please stay away from HIM.

If a guy wants you, he will cross a river full of crocodiles to get to you and change clothes and comb his hair so he still looks perfectly pretty for you when he gets across. Ok, shitty analogy, but the essence is true: If a guy, for whatever reason, puts a negative spin on you two getting together, he wants to have sex with you but is NOT into you.

You will be hurt, 100%. The sex might be awesome, but you will feel 1 million times worse after. You know this is true.

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