Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Merkle's Boner (or: "To All The Men I've Loved, This Year")

"A hot dog at the ballgame beats roast beef at the Ritz."
Humphrey Bogart

All right, people. In a few short days, I’ll be hitting my 9 months anniversary of my Manbbatical. I’m definitely in the homestretch. Yapping on the horn with BAIT last night, neither one of us could believe how fast the time is flying. We inspected the natural kind of flow that the project has sustained this year. I started off all galvanized, like I was up at bat for my 1st pro-game.
My crush on MAN-X was tough to bear. My little torch for SPICY SAUSAGE burned pretty bright as times, too. (Well, anytime he was in town…) I spent a weekend with incredibly sexy WEINER & though I didn’t break any rules with him, he lit a fire in me that couldn’t be choked. Very soon after that, I had my 1st real slip-up with MAGIC TRICK. We smooched, & it was pretty hot. It was really trying for me (& I’m pretty sure him- judging by his raging boner) to stop it at that. Yet it was nice! I felt like I was 13 again! Who knew 1st base could be SO SEXY???
Just when I felt as though I was hitting my stride again, I Met HIM. I fell HARD. Talk about a curveball. I never expected this project to be easy, but I also didn’t see me meeting one of my idols & getting the chance to know HIM. This is more than a silly little crush. This is someone who I’ve admired from afar, then got to know who he REALLY is- & loved that even more. Thanks a lot, universe. I’m really giving it my all, here- and in my path you inaugurate the most fascinating person I’ve ever known? I’m trying to be a good girl! YOU KNEW what you were doing, too, universe. I’m not trying to show off, but I’ve met & worked with some incredible people- people like George Clooney- & I’ve had sex with some real hotties: actors, musicians, men that women drool over. Some famous, some not. Who cares. I seriously don’t. I mean- don’t get me wrong, it’s exciting to know that I’m macking someone who’s in the public eye, kind of, I guess. But at the end of the day, they’re just people- who go poo, & have zits; insecurities & challenges just like the rest of us. HIM is different. HIM is much more than that, to me. You’re making it extremely challenging for me to get over HIM, universe. I just don’t know what else I have to give.
Moving on to last week, when I met CREW: successful, SUPER-hot, hilarious, NOT A PERFORMER, all-around awesome dude (so far as I can tell). Another foul on my part. It was a superb boost to my ego, & it felt really great to be touched. I broke some rules. Again. But it felt fucking amazing.
And now, here I am, with 3 months left to go… I can see home plate in front of me. I can see it’s not about the men, it’s about me. While all of these boys have distracted me along the way (like fans yelling in the stands, the heat and sun in my eyes, or my base-coach making signs at me that I don’t understand) they’ve made it so much more interesting.
And now, it’s just me, the white line made of chalk, & the bag I have to grab in order for a run batted in. I’m focused. I’m ready. Let’s play ball.

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