Sunday, March 27, 2011

Dearest Patti Stanger... Help Me.

"Matchmaker, Matchmaker,
Make me a match,
Find me a find,
catch me a catch
Matchmaker, Matchmaker
Look through your book,
And make me a perfect match"
Fiddler On The Roof, Matchmaker

Dear Patti Stanger,

I watch your show. I love your show. I love your tough-love, no-bullshit, call-it-like-you-see-it attitude. I dig your staff. Mostly, I need your help. You need to know that 1. I live in Canada (though DYING to move to LA) & 2. I SO cannot afford you. I am the opposite of a millionaire. More like a hundredaire.
In case you don’t read my blog, let me catch you up about whom I am, what I do, & who I’m looking for.
On May 18th 2010, I gave up dating for a year. The basis for the project was that I clear my head about dudes, & focus on myself: my work, my self-esteem, my body, & my heart. So far, I’ve lost 35LBS, have considerably advanced in my career, nurtured my friendships, & learned the value of real commitment. Unfortunately, my self-esteem had escaladed to a point where if a man told me I’m funny, smart or pretty, I would go out with him. I’ve had a few longish-term relationships (2+ years) & have lived with 2 men. I have a really open mind, almost to a fault. I’m a horrific judge of character, & were it not for the keen eye of my close friends & family (this is why I NEED you!), idiots’d surround me. Most of my life I’ve let men treat me like a steaming pile of shit, but I THINK, finally, at thirty-four years old, that I’m willing to get who I deserve. I think you are the woman to find him for me.
I’ve dated many types of men: wealthy, poor, famous, infamous, tall, short, Black/White/Asian/Middle Eastern, fathers, Jewish, Catholic, Muslim, dicks, sweethearts, hotties, not “typically” hotties, mostly show-business, sometimes corporate & some women after too many cocktails (I’m not gay- usually. I just love to love). I guess it’s fair to say I don’t really have a “type”. FYI, not sure if this matters, but I haven’t slept with a lot of men I’ve dated…
I’m a stand-up comic, an actor, a writer & I used to sing (now I only sing for fun…). I travel A LOT for work, & my life is the furthest thing from glamorous. I live in a tiny (but cute) apartment, drive a car that may break-down on any given trip, live below- but still with √©lan- the poverty line, love & live to make people laugh. I can’t date a man who’s poor again- I absolutely do not need a man’s financial support, but because I struggle so much myself with my own finances, I simply cannot take on a partner who shares/doubles that suffocating stress. I’m not saying I need a millionaire, but I sure as hell wouldn’t turn one down if he were nice. In my youth I never thought I would care how poor a man was, but I’ve lost some of that idealism/Pollyanna-ness-ninity after I turned 32. I actually wrote a post a while ago about what I’m TRULY looking for & you can read it here:
I understand that what I do can often be intimidating to potential boyfriends. My act is pretty dirty- I talk about sex very openly & frankly. I have a big presence. My secrets are all laid out on stage & in my writing. There’s little mystery about me, unfortunately. Pretty much what you see, is what you get. It can be a real blessing, & a real curse.

Shit. I’m watching your show right now, & you just told one of your clients that dudes don’t want a sexually aggressive women/women who talk about dick & pussy. You should know- though I do that for work, I’m very feminine. I like being treated like a LADY. I like romance, & kindness, but a man with balls. (That said I dated a man who had testicular cancer & had an orchiectomy, & that’s fine. I obviously mean balls in the figurative sense.) I guess at the end of the day, I just want a man who is secure, kind, funny, strong & who loves me unconditionally. Do you think he’s out there, Patti?

I should tell you other stuff I know you need to know: I’m 5’9, a size 8- not skinny but not overweight, I’m kind of doughy in the middle (but working on that), have long brown hair, green eyes & have that classic Italian/French/Irish look. You know the one… I’m fluent in French & English, I love to travel, I read a lot, love all kinds of music (classical, hip hop, country, rock, jazz, etc…) love making & watching GOOD films (shitty films suck) am spiritual but not religious, love going to watch sports (mostly baseball) am pretty obsessed with comedy, adapt quickly, & rarely get nervous for anything else in life beyond performing. I’m a bit of a shit-disturber, but it’s all in good fun.

What do you think Patti? Do you think I’m helpless? I want to settle down in the sense that I want a partner & my own family. What would you say to a woman like me? My year of abstinence is nearly over. Where do I go from here?

Claire Brosseau


Anonymous said...

Who's Patti Stanger?

claire elyse said...

she's the millionaire matchmaker!

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