Friday, March 25, 2011

Goodnight Moon

I can’t sleep through the night, anymore. In fact, when I get to sleep at all lately, I feel pretty lucky. I don’t know when this terrible bout of insomnia began, but I’m really over it. Nothing in my life has drastically changed in the past two months, (omitting heartbreak) I drink the same amount of booze, smoke as many joints & cigarettes as I always have, have 1 cup of coffee a day, exercise regularly, eat relatively healthfully, drink a lot of water… I’ve tried reading, writing, watching TV, staring at the ceiling, reciting the alphabet backwards… I’ve tried hypnotizing myself, meditating, listening to white noise/waves crashing. I JUST CAN’T SLEEP. It’s making me crazy- you know? Like when Nancy in A Nightmare On Elm Street can’t go to sleep & she starts going bananas? That’s me.
My sister’s never needed much sleep. She’s always been active & hard working, & seems to be actified by a mere four or five hours. Not me. I need a solid eight & I’m not going to lie- I do enjoy cramming in a ten or eleven hour-long snooze when I can. I LOVE sleeping. I love it, & I’m good at it. I can cuddle with the best of them, or I’m happy to leave you to your side. I like cats and/or dogs to lie in bed with me. I love that state between awake & asleep (kind of like The Matrix, in a non-scary way) when I’m half-dreaming/half-awake & anything is possible (which was the whole point of The Matrix).
I don’t fare well without sleep. I get very moody & usually sick. My whole immune system seems to shut down. I get feverish & lethargic. I stop making sense & become emotional quite easily.
Maybe it’s stress, although I try to make my way to bed with a clear, happy mind. I’m anxious about some big shows I have coming up, I’m unhappy with a close friend of mine right now, I’m drowning in a financial shit-show, I’m worried about what’s going to happen after May 18th, am struggling to get along with my father the past few days & I’m still reeling from a broken heart. I suppose those issues could be the culprits. But we all always have stress- this is nothing that unusual or insurmountable. Perhaps all of these problems could be solved with a little rest. So I should be sleeping. Either way, I can’t seem to shut my eyes.
Unfortunately, whenever I can’t sleep the song, “I Can’t Go To Sleep” (Wu-Tang Clan) plays on a loop in my head. It’s like a blessing/curse.
I don’t want to start taking sleeping pills, because I could easily become (what I like to call) Fat Elvis, if I’m not careful. (I loves me some pills.) I’ve read self-help, novels, biographies, poetry & history books & nothing helps.
I’m just not myself because of it. A friend brought up an ex-boyfriend who I can’t STAND (there’s only 1! Hating 1 out of many isn’t bad, right?!) & I started seeing red immediately. I thought about my friend & I who aren’t on great terms & I started crying. I’ve even started stuttering again (not often, but often enough). It’s wasting me. I need sleep.
Sometimes I can see the moon outside my window, & I think about my friends who are far away staring at the very same moon. I think about mooning them. Then I think about what they’re doing, wonder if they’re happy, wishing that I were with them. It sounds cheesy, but I miss my friends who live in other places. Lately I’ve been especially missing SCULLY & QUEEN OF HEARTS- but lucky for me, I’m going to Vancouver in June so I get to see them! They’re both going through some trying times in their own right, & I’d like to be there for them, as they have always been for me. I doubt I’ll get much sleep in Vancouver… but I’m quite sure I’ll make up the hours of sleep with glasses of wine. Those are some great ladies.
What’s happened? Why can’t I get to sleep, lately? Why can’t I stay asleep?
Maybe if Dom Cobb showed up it would make it all worthwhile. I would have to insist that he have sex with me BEFORE stealing the secrets of my subconscious mind. Though there's not much to steal- I'm pretty sure it's all in the blog.


Luc said...

Dont feel so bad, we all go throught the same things you are at one point or another in our lifes. Camomille tea should help calm your over exited nerves.

Anonymous said...

You're coming to Van in June?? I'll be there by then!!

Also, you + sleep = me + sleep. I need as much as possible, as often as possible, and insomnia makes me crazy. I hope you start sleeping properly soon!!

- lisa

Anonymous said...

You should take melatonin before bed, it's a natural supplement and not addictive like prescriptions. It's sold at GNC or anywhere vitamins are sold, it really helps.

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