Saturday, March 5, 2011

Men In My Life Or Life In My Men

"No one to talk with,
All by myself,
No one to walk with,
But I'm happy on the shelf
Ain't misbehavin',
I'm savin' my love for you"
Ain't Misbehavin'

I’m in Calgary. I really like this city, but the weather right now is complete bullshit. It’s -19 outside, & I’m ready to pluck out my eyeballs with razorblades.
I’m here with MAN-X. Yes. Remember him? My unyielding crush from last year? We’re here in cow-town together. I was nervous to be here with him- I wondered if old feelings would re-surface, if it would be awkward (for those of you who don’t remember, when he broke up with his girlfriend I came clean to him re: my love for him & his alias was indeed MAN-X) but I really had nothing to worry about. Admittedly, the 1st few minutes at the airport weren’t the MOST comfortable, but that was just my own neurosis I’m sure. Because both of us have been on the road so much, I really haven’t seen him in months (in fact the last time I saw him was the night I met & fell in love with HIM, at The Canadian Comedy Awards...). I also haven’t seen him do stand-up in long time. I was also anxious about falling right back into love with him upon seeing his act again. The good news is I’m fine. I had a long talk with myself before I came here, encouraging myself to stop sexualizing talent. It’s really difficult for me to separate the two, but if I keep doing it, I’ll keep falling for dudes’ act, instead of the dude as a person. I think most of us try to be ourselves on stage, but the reality is, we aren’t our shtick. (That’s why it offends me when men talk dirty to me after a show- just because my comedy can be blue, doesn’t mean you can be disgusting with me. I’m a lady, & should be treated as such. For real.)
This issue has been the one that has plagued me the most over my dating years. Not only do I often make the mistake of defining who I am based on what I do (for work) I also do it with men. That’s not to say I don’t respect men with normal jobs who make an honest living, but it rarely turns me on. It has always been important to me that my vocation challenges me, teaches me, & fulfils me. I need to learn something new every time I go to work. I’m not saying that makes me better than those who go to work strictly to make a living. I just don’t understand it on a visceral level.
I know I’ve addressed this problem in several posts, but it’s been my toughest obstacle to overcome. I love watching people who are passionate about what they do, & always am attracted to talent- even when they might be thee worst possible partner for me. HIM is the perfect example of that. I need that imprinted on my brain, & my heart. Watching MAN-X this weekend, it was easy to remember why I liked him so much for such a long time. He comes alive on stage. It’s always fascinating to me.
For those of you who have warned me to behave this weekend, you have nothing to worry about. We’re having a good time at the club, & that’s that. I’m getting pretty comfortable being on my own & I THINK I’m starting to learn to respect myself enough to not drunkenly throw myself at men who don’t want me. I think it’s finally beginning to sink in that I deserve someone who loves me, will treat me well & who wants me.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Finaly Claire now you're getting it! Keep it up and one day you will be a beautiful flower and a lady!

Anonymous said...

I think you put way too much focus on what potential partners choose to do for a living.

Are you saying people with "normal" jobs (please define normal -- I'm guessing to you that's anyone who doesn't do comedy/act/artistic) don't learn something each day, aren't challenged, or fulfilled by what they do?

And what exactly do you learn that's so amazing on a daily basis by telling dick/sex jokes on stage and then going to parties and getting drunk/high that an office manager, accountant, pet groomer or mail carrier is incapable of learning?

claire elyse said...

Dear anonymous #2.
I really feel you’ve misread between the lines. Never have I judged other people for having a more conventional job than I have. You seem to really resent my lifestyle, & I’m not sure why. We the comics don’t claim to be saving lives or sending people into space, but we (try) to make people laugh, we write the tv shows & films you watch to turn off your brain, & we try to bring a little glimmer of happiness into the world in our way. Does that make us BETTER than anyone else? Absolutely NOT. My sister has a corporate job that she loves & is passionate about. She’s great at what she does, & that inspires me. I have friends who are baristas who love what they do. I’m grateful for pet groomers, mail carriers, & office managers, etc... In fact, all year I’ve been saying that I wish it were easier for me to meet someone with a job like that- but because of MY JOB, I work nights & weekends, am always on the road, & live way below the poverty line. Yes, I often go to parties & get drunk &/or high. If I had kids, or had to wake up at 7am for work everyday, I wouldn’t behave that way. Believe it or not, I’m usually networking at those parties- but that said, I really don’t need to justify my lifestyle. I don’t know why I touched such a nerve with you- I never meant to sound like I didn’t have a huge amount of respect for people who work hard at WHATEVER they do if it’s honest. I said I fall in love with talent- that’s what I watch every night at work. it’s what I’m used to, & mostly all I’m exposed to.
I’ve obviously offended you, but read my post again. I really think you missed the point.

Anonymous said...

Wow,,,Claire, please,please do not ever justify yourself to these people. If you are happy, and learning how to be YOUR OWN LADY...don't give people like this a second thought. If you decided to quit comedy tomorrow, you have the brains to work at your sister's level. You CHOOSE the job, to make others laugh!! I am grateful for those who do that. Laughter is a much needed, and understated part of what the world needs!! As if these "people" know what's really in your head!! My God,,, read a Harlequin romance,,,or sheesh, a recipe book if these blogs truly bother you!! Comics too, have some semblance of privacy. They don't tell the audience, or the public everything that's on their mind, or heart!!That is why these shows are called Comedy Acts!! So, hopefully these people will just move on to another bitch fest!! You go Claire!! B.L.

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