Wednesday, March 2, 2011

The (Sexy) Woolgatherer

“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”

Something weird is happening to me. It’s not like I’m having a sexual identity crisis- as I’ve said before (see:, I tried getting with girls before & it just wasn’t my bag (or lack thereof). So, I’m pretty sure I’m not gay. Most of my gay friends insist they have always been gay, & always knew. A very close girlfriend of mine, SIALIA only discovered she was into vaginas more than dink once she gave up drinking at 25 years old. I thought she was just confused because of her newfound sobriety, since she got laid & dated men like nobody’s business. But it’s been 13 years since she found her love of finger-blasting (&AA), & she’s never looked back.
To get over my broken-heart (re: HIM), I REFUSE to fantasize about HIM. In fact, I refuse to fantasize about any men that are toxic in my life. This includes past lovers, famous dudes, comics, actors, musicians, etc…) I realize sexual fantasies are harmless, & only exists to embellish & heighten our sexual feelings. I just know myself, & though I love jilling off as much as the next girl, I don’t even want my erotic daydreams poisoned by bad-boys. It’s just too close to home. If I can’t be at peace in my ACTUAL sexual life, then I at least need serenity in my fake one.
As I lay in bed last night, (my horoscope yesterday INSISTED it was going to be a very romantic night for me, so I knew CLETUS- my vibrator- & I were getting it ON) I was literally at a loss of who I needed to make-believe was there with me, turning me on. Only women were coming to mind, & only women were exciting me. Let me be clear: I find women’s bodies just as sexy & beautiful as I find men’s bodies. They are soft & round (generally) & capable of generating life, which is pretty effing impressive. Generally, I find women sexier at 1st glance than men. I get turned off when men are TRYING to be sexy. That’s why I hate dudes in porn and/or nightclubs. It grosses me out. You know what I find sexy? Tell me a funny joke, dude. Maybe take your shirt off, while you’re at it. Fix or build something. And keep taking your shirt off. Do something spectacular- invent or cure something. Throw a fastball. Turn my last $10 into a million. Oh! And keep taking your shirt off. Too generic &/or clichéé for you? Suck it- it’s MY fantasy.
It’s pretty rare that I just get turned on looking at any ol’ random peen. It’s not the same as when (many) men see an arbitrary set of naked titties & get an angry boner. If I’m all-naked with a dude, & we’re fooling around, & THEN I see his 1-eyed trouser-snake coming at me… well, obviously that gets me hot.
Maybe I’m really bad at fantasizing. Maybe I need to read more magazines, or meet more men. Or more women. I’m not exactly sure. Since it’s all just taking place in my mind, I guess I don’t really need to worry about it. Maybe when this (Manbbatical) is all over, I’ll switch to girls. I don’t think it really works like that, but it would be cool if it did. Imagine that was my problem, all along? I realize my issues aren't about determining my sexual orientation. I know it’s really all about my (low) self-esteem.
An old, now distant high school friend of mine told me she was gay a few years ago. I should have known because we played volleyball & soccer together. Just kidding. She said to me she didn’t expect to find romantic love with another woman (she is deeply religious/Catholic, & was always quite conventional) but that’s the way her life worked out, & she couldn’t be happier. She was in her late 20’s when she fell for her wife, & 10 years later, they are still profoundly in love.
Therein lay my issue whilst I build sexy castles in the air. It’s not about love it’s about sex. It should be the one time when I don’t have to worry about politics, discrimination, attachments, or body parts. It’s just a fantasy.
Jesus. I’m so neurotic in my conjured up boning-scenarios… it’s no wonder my authentic & existing romantic situation (or lack thereof) is so damaged.


Lori said...

You feel this way because you're coming to stay at my house, and by "stay at my house," I mean lesbian love.

Anonymous said...

You used to be funny, now your blogs are just way over the top with crassness!! Can't read this "stuff" anymore!

Anonymous said...

To anonymous above: so don't read it. And keep your judgment; it's not needed here. Don't make your problem someone else's. Many people are really enjoy this blog. Let her write the way she wants to write. It's her, and it's good.

claire elyse said...

sometimes i don't respond to comments. in fact, i rarely do. but i read them all & they are always appreciated in some way... at least if people are writing comments, then they've read my blog & are affected by it enough that they feel the need to express themselves. it's funny to me that anonymous #1 was pushed over the edge by THIS post! others have been FAR dirtier/"crass". this blog is mostly about sex, sometimes about love, but always about me. i'm a comic. i'm a pretty dirty comic. my posts are laced with sex-talk- hence the "over 18" warning, before you sign-in. anonymous 2 is right: you don't like, don't read it. no skin off my back. to those who enjoy it, or get something out of it- thank you SO much! remember: everyone is entitled to their opinion. some people are more uptight than others. i guarantee you: if this blog is too racy for you, don't bother coming to see my act!

Anonymous said...

By "see my act" do you mean lesbian love?


JH5 said...

This was actually a really good post, comedy meets erotics meets sex in the city. this was not crass. if it was, then stop reading her blog and go to church!

KO said...

I think some people who wanna critisize others who put it all out there with heart need a tall glass of shut the hell up. Sex and sexuality are huge parts of all our primal genetic make up. Regardless of gender there are many who feel the same.

Anonymous said...

Hey Anon #1, sex made YOU. Get over it!

Claire, I really, really liked this post! It's like a stream of natural curiosity.


Anonymous said...

Claire, maybe you could help me on this? I'd like you to put out a survey:

Who thinks they are the man for Claire?

As I read through your blogs I try to Frankenstein together the guy that;

a)you think you want.
b)would actually be right for you.
c)Thinks he's right for you.

Because men usually see them selves as better then they actually are I'm willing to bet quite a few of us think we are the one for you.

I have my hand up as one of those men.



P.S. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't comeback?

a stick

I wrote that while fixing my cure for cancer machine with my shirt off.

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