Sunday, March 20, 2011

Withered Leaves & Flowers Growing

"The line it is drawn
The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
The order is
Rapidly fadin'
And the first one now
Will later be last
For the times they are a-changin"
Bob Dylan, The Times They Are A-Changin

I think it’s really appropriate that i began my Manbbatical in the springtime. Autumn has always been my favorite season- there’s something so bitter-sweet about it. The colors, the smell of wet leaves, the romance & wistfulness of circumstances coming to an end... The shorter days, & the impending chill seem lonely to me during those falls when I know I might not have anyone to cuddle up with during the long, cold Canadian winter. For some reason I’ve always sentimentalized those crisp, harvest days.
I never really give spring the eminence it deserves. Maybe it’s because I’m usually just so over winter by the time it arrives, I associate it with it’s blistery-cold friend & i just want them both to take a hike. Considering its’ temperatures are so similar to fall, I should like it. After all, sweater/t-shirt & jeans/flats weather has always been my favorite. Maybe its’ impending omen of re-birth & renewal scare me. But THIS spring is different. I can almost FEEL the earth turning on it’s axis, & though it may seem incredibly selfish, I took the supermoon last night as a good precursor of the big, shiny, beautiful things that are to come. Maybe I’m just really looking forward to getting laid. Maybe that pot I smoked last night was just that good. Either way, I’ll take encouragement wherever I can find it.
I actually forgot that today was the 1st day of spring, until I opened my eyes & checked Twitter this morning. As I buried my face into my kitten’s soft, furry stomach, I smiled. THE LAST SEASON OF THE PROJECT! It’s coming full-turn! Though it feels like the past 10+ months have flown by, so much has happened that sometimes I feel like I couldn’t have packed any more adventures into the past three seasons. Last year at this time I was 35LBS heavier, wasn’t yet headlining as a comic, wasn’t working on anything as an actor, I didn’t have a writing agent, I was lacking in the determination department, I wasn’t pro-active in trying to make my life better (therapy, gym, volunteering, etc...) & my beautiful little niece wasn’t yet part of my life. My focus was misplaced, & though I had so many choices & opportunities, I couldn’t quite figure out what road I wanted to travel. I was scared to set goals & genuinely try to realize my objective. I’m not sure if it was a fear of success or a fear of failure, but either way- I must have been scared of something... I have always had (& worked for) so many resources at my disposal. I feel like this is the 1st time I’ve categorically capitalized (or tried to) on them. It’s all always been there for me to use & develop, & I feel like I can finally see it- or at least I am beginning to.
I’m not sure if it’s the absence of a boyfriend that’s facilitated my concentration, but it’s undeniably improved since I began this project. I think it has more to do with the fact that I WANTED to change, so I just did. I usually try to complicate things- but it can be as simple as that.
Spring is seen as a period of growth, renewal & rebirth. It wasn’t intentional that I began my project during such a metaphorical season, but I did. (Oh, the poetry of it all!!!) Everything is/trying to/will be blooming passionately, and spring fever is beginning to crawl through my veins like I’ve just been started on an I.V. transmitting a cocktail of vigor & opportunity. You know in Great Expectations, when Dickens talks about that March day, when it’s summer in the light, & winter in the shade? I’ve always loved that image... it’s so true of springtime & of life. I like a little shade now & then- just as I like winter for certain reasons. Because just think of how unexciting the spring would be if we never lived through our winter.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think you need to highlight the successes & achievements over the course of this project more! Devote a post to each of them. As this is coming to a close, I think it's appropriate, and I think your readers need to be reminded of all that awesomeness too. :)

- lisa

Anonymous said...

Perhaps it was not the lack of dick/men that made focus your energy and unveiling your potential, but rather the fact that your life now, due to Manbbatical is on display. Perhaps that was the kick in your ass you needed.
Whatever it is now you are here, and now you can see how much you can achieve if you put your energy -and of course, your talent- to good use!! And that is not a small thing.
Overall I think you are doing fantastic!!
Is good to kick your own ass, but sometimes a hug to yourself in recognition of all you are is also welcome.
I think you are amazing
!

Anonymous said...

I think you're being premature. 2 months is 2 months. I'm not trying to be a downer, just don't picture yourself peeing before you get to the bathroom; the last 5 secs are usually the toughest.
That being said, keep it up, hell of a project. Lots of people attempt crazy things, but not many get to document them in so much detail. You'll either have something to hold-up as an acheivement, or a constant reminder of something that was sooo close, but got away from you. If it ever gets really tough from here, ask yourself if you're willing to start all over again...

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