Thursday, April 21, 2011

Believe In Your (wet) Dreams.

"Damn I wish I was your lover
I'd rock you till the daylight comes
Make sure you are smiling and warm
I am everything
Tonight I'll be your mother
I'll do such things to ease your pain
Free your mind and you won't feel ashamed
Open up gonna come inside
Gonna fill you up
Make you cry"
Sophie B. Hawkins, Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover

Last night I had a hot sex-dream about a close (male) friend of mine. Although it always feels good & real in the moment- when I wake up I feel guilty, embarrassed & bewildered. Now I won’t be able to look him in the eye, next time I see him.
In my waking life, my fantasies are pretty safe & boring. I usually think about the man that I’m dating, or my current crush. I’ve been trying to get spicier by conjuring up sexual escapades with sexy famous people, but I get way too cerebral about it & end up playing out the situation far beyond the sex. For example, “well, it could never really work with Gerard Butler because he lives in a different country, & I’d be really jealous about all of the attention he gets, so letting him go down on me would be really bitter-sweet…” Why can’t I just relax & imagine that for some reason GB & I get caught in an elevator together & sexy-time ensues? Maybe I should be drunk in my fantasies. Obviously during my naps I have little control over whom I’m Jilling-off to, but it so often surprises me. I wonder if it means I have hidden feelings for that person, or it’s just because I had coffee with him that afternoon & his face is still floating around in my brain? Many times male-female friendships can enter the gray-zone when you’re both single, but in my experience, if the woman is into the dude in a down & dirty lovey-way, the dude will absolutely know- no questions asked. MAGIC TRICK is a good example of that. We’ve been pals for years, but I’ve never hesitated to fully hit on him when we’re out at night. We wouldn’t make a good couple, but I would definitely get in his pants if I could & he knows it. There’s no palling-around in a brother-sister way. Unless you like having sex with your siblings, in which case you’ve got way bigger problems at hand.
For the past couple of months- once I realized it was really more my pride (& less my heart) that’s been ripped out of my body & pulverized over HIM, I’ve forced myself to be less horny. I’ve been adhering to a self-imposed hectic work schedule & reading in bed before I fall asleep. I figure I’ll have lots of time to be all sassy & lustful in TWENTY-SEVEN DAYS. I’m scared to see what becomes of all the pent-up, unused passion. I didn’t want to just sleep with anyone, but it might be a good idea to get my rocks-off with some random dude so I might be able to pursue a normal relationship when I meet someone, without him feeling the pressure of pleasing me & my relinquished vagina.
I do have a current crush going, but it doesn’t really matter because he doesn’t know me & he has no idea that the very idea of possibly running into him makes my heart beat faster. Since I’ve decided to never be the aggressor again, there’s a good chance my feelings for him will go completely unseen & unknown. I do believe that if I start dating a man, it’ll be very awkward (to say the least) if I explain this Manbbatical to him. I mean, guys- what would YOU think if you went out for dinner or drinks with a potential girlfriend/lay & she told you about something like this? Beyond feeling like a champion of being the 1st to get “in there” again- I can imagine that paradoxically, you might think the woman’s a complete weirdo, or put an unnecessary burden on yourself to be “good”. When I look at it this way- I think it might actually be a good idea to just sleep with a man that I’m attracted to & I think I stand a chance with- one that perhaps I ALMOST/WANTED to sleep with this year… Like MAGIC TRICK, SPICY SAUSAGE or CREW. I’m not even sure they would, but they might. I wouldn’t even consider HIM at this point, (not that he would have me anyway) but it would be too painful. It’s taken me quite some time to move past HIM & I’ve got zero interest in revisiting THAT shit-show.
I should tell you that I realized with great anxiety & apprehension yesterday that I’m going to have to tell everyone when I actually DO IT. It feels weird to know that I’ve made this decision to write about it & put it out there for the Internet world/AKA THE WORLD to read. So what, After May 18th, I post about the dude that boned me? Then I go about my daily activities & anyone who reads my blog will know what I’ve done? It feels weird & creepy. Its one thing to tell jokes about it on-stage or even write about PAST experiences, but to announce that I just got laid? How will my partner feel about that?
Many people think I can’t wait to have this project done with- but the closer the end line becomes, the more I realize that maybe I haven’t thought this all out in a cogitative way.
Meanwhile, I’d like to dream about my new crush & not old friends. At least then I might get to sleep instead of agonizing about my sex-life after May 18th, 2011.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

everyone knows you have done it.

claire elyse said...

done what? had sex? uh... i wish someone had told me! if i did i sure wasn't conscious, which is creepy.

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