Monday, April 18, 2011

Nothing Stays The Same

"the young become the old
and mysteries do unfold
for that's the way of time
no one, and nothing stays unchanged
there are not many things in life one can be sure of
except rain comes from the clouds
sun lights up the sky
hummingbirds fly"
Nina Simone, Everything Must Change

Listen to me this afternoon on 102.1fm THE EDGE in Toronto, as I chat with Fearless Fred- re-capping this past month...

I can’t believe it. Like everything else I look forward to in my life, I contemplate & scrutinize this fact with excitement & dread.
I can’t WAIT to have sex again- even just to kiss, to be touched, to talk late into the night- to be intimate. I cannot imagine who it will be with or when. I’m not crushing on anyone- that for me feels extremely weird. Obviously there’s a plethora of dudes that I love, but I’m sure are bad ideas, or a relationship with him should never come to fruition.
A big part of me feels I’ve been hiding behind the Manbbatical for the past 11 months. Though it’s been difficult to be alone, at least I could chalk it up to the project. It was a decision. Sitting alone in my apartment at night, or in a hotel room, or on Sunday mornings reading the paper by myself- it was all a choice. If a man (or woman) told me he/she was interested in me (& I didn’t feel the same)- I used the Manbbatical as way to deflect that painful conversation. When things didn’t work out with HIM- though I know he lost interest in me for several reasons & it was never going to work out anyway, I could use my he-tox as an excuse. All of the attention I’ve received from the press, writing, even my comedy (mostly) is due to my dick-diet. It’s almost over. My life will return to normal.
I don’t expect my career & spirit to revert to what it was overnight on May 18th, 2011. I know my faithful readers & those who have invested in the project in any way will want reports on how my life has changed since my man-less pilgrimage. I know overall my energy & existence will be changed from the lessons I have learned (or will learn when the information & teachings set in, in due time). I definitely have a clearer understanding of what I want (& more importantly, what I DON’T want). I feel I have a deeper awareness of what I deserve, what’s out there, & what I’m capable of since taking this (more-or-less) full year of focusing on myself.
I have much to be grateful for: I accomplished many/most of the goals I had set for myself. I lost the access weight that was making me feel self-conscious about my body (though I still have work to do in the confidence department), I’ve learned what it means to buckle down & work hard every day (& what that means/can do for one’s career), I understand that even when you work hard in the right way & desperately want something- it may not always be granted to you.
I’ve also gained a new respect for sex & intimacy. I genuinely thought this whole undertaking would open my eyes to my life as an independent woman. I never really anticipated how much it would have me examine my sexuality. What I use it for, & what it means to me. It means A LOT to me. I know that sounds absurd- how could I not think that this assignment would shed light on my sexual drive? I mean, I knew it WOULD- just not to such a degree. I really thought it would be all about my focus on my career, dating, health, etc… I might not have noticed how horny I am if it weren’t a choice. It’s like when you forbid yourself fried food… I’ve never missed french-fries more than when I’m dieting. If poutine or pogos aren’t around on their own, I really don’t think about them.
This last month of the Manbbatical means more to me than any other with the exception of (maybe) the 1st.
That 1st month I thought I might DIE… I thought I was in love with MAN-X & I could not have had the foresight to understand how quickly & remarkably things change. I didn’t want to like him. Now I’ve got no apple of my eye, & THAT makes me nervous.
As I said, everything changes. That said, when I fire off a text to BAIT about another comic that I LOVE, I feel like nothing at all has changed. But it has, & I have. I am different. & I will be even more so in another 4 weeks.


Anonymous said...

Claire, I've been following this blog since its beginning, and even suggested it to friends. I enjoy the comedic posts, because, well damn, you're funny - but the introspective ones are the ones that I connect with the most. That's not to say that I think your posts are either in one camp or the other, but I think you know what I mean. I totally get you when you explain about using your time off as a crutch, it's something that I've thought but never enunciated quite as eloquently as you, thanks for that. Twice a year, I go a month without drinking. For some folks, that doesn't seem like a big deal, but it's a nice little challenge I set for myself for several reasons (of which I won't go into here). Like you with your he-tox (I love word play, thanks for making me grin) - having a challenge is a nice little excuse. I end up finding it easier to not drink at all during that time because I have a reason. What I find WAY more difficult than not drinking for a month is only having one drink when I go out. So - what I'm hoping for you is that once your manbattical is over, that you DON'T do what I always do the first day my dry month is over. Traditionally, and almost without exception, the first day I'm "allowed" to drink - I go on a bender, and of course, not having had a drop in a month, my tolerance is rather low. It ends up with a hell of a hangover and some funny yet regrettable stories. Don't do that with men, k? Congrats on seeing this through and for all of the wisdom you've obtained. Thanks for the laughs and insights along the way.


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