Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Starve Spring Fever

Twenty-one days left…
Something is happening to me. I’m usually very horny this time of year. Every spring I come down with ‘Spring Fever’ & start leaving my scent around to warn the other dogs that I’m in heat. You would think this year would be no exception- in fact you’d think this year my avidity would be agonizing. Even though my yearlong dong-diet’s not completely up, it’s been over a year since I last had sex (I hadn’t been active for a few weeks leading up to May 18th, 2010). I know to many 1 year sexless isn’t apocalyptic, but it’s the longest (by far) I’ve ever gone man-wand-free. I know at this point I should be dying for it, but I’m not. In fact I feel like sex is almost the last thing on my mind. I just keep thinking about work & how the completion & absence of this project are going to affect my career. Taking sex out of my life has kept me so busy! Writing about it, research for it, meetings re: the project itself plus radio, newspaper, website & TV interviews… This journey has taken over my entire life. It’s the thing everybody talks to me about; it’s what I fall asleep at night dreaming about & wake up ideating. The success of The Manbbatical has fueled me & kept me as grounded as I’m ever going to get. I’m so terrified everything I’ve learned & accomplished is just going to fade away as time goes by, that I’ll slip right back in to my old bad habits.
There are lessons from this experience that have sunk in already, & more to come after the conclusion. I can tell you for sure I am more confident (in several aspects of my life) than I was a year ago. I believe in my abilities as a performer & I accept my wins because I deserve them. It’s not just luck or charm- it’s hard work & dedication & the help of my loved ones paying off. I understand & appreciate my femininity in a way I never embraced it before. I’m under no illusions of how flaky that sounds (I’m talking to YOU, MS.MET!) but I mean it. It’s the 1st time in my life I’ve felt proud to be a woman- I really don’t mean to all ‘take back the night’, but I finally realize the true value of my gender. (Gross. I can’t even SAY that without gagging & giggling. Obviously my maturity level hasn’t ascended to any significant stratum…) I think I’m finally beginning to grasp that I deserve the best in terms of a partner- far beyond what any of my past crushes could offer me. I know how many honorable, generous, kind & loving men there are out there & I hope not to settle for anything less than one of them.
If I genuinely HAVE learned all of these lessons- than I accomplished everything that I set out to in the past (almost) year. Unfortunately I know myself quite remarkably, & warnings & teaching rarely stick. I guess I have to stop crucifying myself over ever little mistake & setback. Nobody is perfect.
I have to trust myself to carry on with the ambition & work ethic I’ve sustained throughout the year. I should hold onto that feeling of restraint- familiarize myself with the sensibility of long-term rewards as opposed to instant-gratification. I need to keep examining people & situations more closely & not take everything for granted. Mostly, I need to remember that life is hard & making it good takes work. It’s making clear & valid the cliché that something worth having is worth fighting for.
Life really never does turn out the way we think it will. Part of me thought I would meet the man of my dreams throughout this project- I thought fate might’ve played a trick on me. It hasn’t. I’m sorry to be so anti-climactic (literally AND figuratively) but there might be no explosion of fireworks & lovemaking on May 18th, 2011. Also, it will be difficult to just plain sleep with a dude without turning it into some huge ceremonial observation. That’s a lot of pressure for any man AND me. I suppose as usual we’ll just have to wait & see.
That’s the thing about me: I always am who I am- no matter how I might appear to have changed.


JoJo said...

You're amazing...I'm so proud of you :)

Anonymous said...

I was wondering how the ending was going to play out.... I figured you had some dude all lined up for May 18th. Interesting.....Sounds like this journey has been very enlightening for you Claire and I am truly impressed with your ability to commit! I wish you luck on your final days and have enjoyed reading your blog, always some interesting insights and good laughs ;-)

Christine Minto

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