Saturday, April 23, 2011

A Wind In The Door

"You know this ain't the first time
This has happened to me, this love sick thing
I like serious relationships
And a girl like me don't stay single for long
'Cause every time a boyfriend and I break up
My world is crushed and I'm all alone
The love bug crawls right back up
And bites me and I'm back"
Fergie, Clumsy

I realized something while driving to my gig, yesterday.
As I swerved & maneuvered the vag-mobile down the QEW, I wondered how long it would take for my broken-heart & bruised pride to fully recover from HIM. It’s getting annoying & boring at this point. It was a couple of months with a man who I didn’t even sleep with, let alone actually enjoy a real relationship with- so this grief surrounding it is disproportionate. It should be over by this point. It’s been months since last we spoke, & I should’ve moved on by now. His memory still haunts me when a sad song shuffles on my iPod, when I’m horny, & (obviously) when his mug appears on my TV screen. His name often comes up in comedy conversations (as many hold HIM in such high regard), & I silently cringe. I hate that I still find him so funny. It would be so much easier if he were a dick or a hack. But he’s still amazing- just not for me. I’m acutely aware of all the things that could/should turn me off about HIM, but he’s a bit like Lex Luthor: he doesn’t have any REAL superpowers, but he’s a constant menace to my peace of mind.
I haven’t been able to figure out why he has had SUCH a lasting effect on me. Honestly, I’ve dated men who are more famous, younger, hotter & wealthier, etc… who technically “should” be more difficult to move on from. Unfortunately/fortunately for me- I’ve never really given a shit about any of that crap. I thought maybe it’s because he’s the funniest person I’ve ever met, & it really disappoints me if a sense of humor means EVERYTHING to me. It shouldn’t mean EVERYTHING. But I think I’ve figured it out:
It’s because of the Manbbatical.
Ordinarily, I’d have not only dated, but slept with someone since HIM by now. (I know there was that slip-up with CREW in Halifax, but that was but a wrinkle in time.) I know it’s not the prescribed method of dealing with heartache, but being with another always speeds up my recovery process immensely. This is because while I suffer- I’d prefer to think of ANYTHING else, & do what I have to in order to make that happen. I know it’s not healthy, but it’s been my pattern.
The whole point of this year was to be completely on my own- but maybe it’s good that I fell in love with HIM. I’ve been FORCED to deal with it in an unusual way (for me). I mean- I’ve had to actually DEAL with it, instead of hopping in the sack with some random dude. It’s been a tough lesson, but a good one- I suppose. At least I’ve had the time & compulsion to examine where it is I went wrong. Though it sucks in the moment, I’m sure (I HOPE) this investigation will help me to become a stronger, healthier, more confident partner to someone when the time comes.
Like with most types of pain, each day feels a little better though there are setbacks from time to time.
I guess I’m just learning to stand on my own two feet, instead of taking my usual route of collapsing backward into someone’s bed.

2 comments:

thatdaywillcome said...

It takes as long as it takes. Should I just number these useless platitudes so it will save both of us time? We'll call that one above #6. But honestly, the better the match, the longer it takes to get over. Hang in there, it will get better (or, #8).

Cally said...

Writing it good for the soul. :)

Feel better soon!

Cally Florence @ http://humantrainingfordogs.blogspot.com/

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