Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Foreplay, Cuddling - A Jedi Craves Not These Things.

"You take the good, you take the bad,
you take them both and there you have
The Facts of Life, the Facts of Life."
The Facts Of Life, theme song

I entered into a comedy competition a few weeks ago- The Great Canadian Laugh-Off. I’m generally not a fan of comedy competitions, but the grand prize was $25 000, & I decided I love money way more than I hate contests. I made it through to the finals, which were eight comics on a TV special.
In the green room last night before the taping of the show, one of the comics asked me if I hypothetically won the $25K, would I associate success in my career with abstinence. The fact is- the year I stayed single has been the most rewarding year of my career to date. It’s undeniable.
I really wish I had won. I really could’ve used that money. It was spent long before last night. The thing is- there’s really 2 ways of looking at it, & unfortunately, both are true: I tried hard & I did the best that I could. I made it to the finals (down from hundreds of comics) & got to showcase for the judges (all industry people I should impress) as well as tell jokes on television, which is always nice. On the other side, I tried my best & it simply wasn’t good enough. The good news is that the comic who won (Mark Debonis- check him out!!!) is genuinely hilarious & talented as were the rest of the comics on the show- so I was honored to be there & don’t feel robbed in any way.
It would have been a great end to The Manbbatical. Can you imagine? I know the benefits of this project are already profuse, but to win $25K with a mere two weeks left would have been spectacular. Oh well. I didn’t. Life goes on- but not with a computer that’s less than 5 years old, rent money, non-cancelled credit-cards, debt-free living, a trip to the dentist, or a flight to LA to visit & celebrate the end of my year of cock-cleansing with GARY ST.KEVIN, MS.MET, SUBLIMATE or BAIT. Sad-face.
People keep asking me if I have a dude lined up for the 18th of May. The answer is no. Not even close. I haven’t made any plans for that day/night. I’ve been very focused on work lately, & honestly haven’t been thinking about getting rammed/making-love. I think it’s partly fear (as I’ve stated before). It’s been a long time (for me) & I’m scared I’ve lost my game/nerve/appeal. Example: I was out with my girlfriends CELESTIE, PEACOCK, & SAUCY MINX the other night. These women are all ridiculously hot, charming, smart & hysterically funny. Obviously men congregated around us, bought us drinks, paid attention. Not really to me, though. I’m not saying they treated me like I was leprous, but I’m always treated like a pal or a kid sister. Dudes ask me for my girls’ numbers, but not mine. I’m not saying I’m hard-done-by, but SAUCY MINX has been living in Toronto for a mere week, & has already generated more interest than I do in years. I’m not jealous- I understand it. The weird thing is, I don’t even really care that much. I feel like I’m over sweating it. I’ve had a great year on my own. Sure I get lonely & wish I had a partner, but my life is pretty great. I have a lot of love in my life & more good friends than anyone deserves. I’ve learned how to make sexual pangs subside or take care of it on my own. I’m through with chasing. I don’t have the fight in me anymore.
SAUCY MINX tells me I need to be more patient & trust in the universe. I DO trust in the universe & I TRY to be patient. I’m also doing my best to stay positive & see the silver lining of these disappointing realities- such as not winning comedy contests, not getting my own televised comedy special, or other dreams I had for this year. I’ve accomplished a lot, but so often I feel as if I trip & fall right before I’m about run do my victory-lap. I know you can’t win them all.
I’m just torn between the “my best is never good enough…” & the “I’ve accomplished so much this year.” mentalities.

How could I have been so na├»ve to think I’d have it all figured out, just because I abstained from boning for a year?


Anonymous said...

I think that because this project has been pretty huge for you, you thought it was gonna help you figure EVERYTHING out... but obviously, that is pretty impossible, and may I dare say it boring!

I have to tell you though, sometimes I feel you are lying to yourself. As an example you can re-read your own writing about Saucy. If indeed you are not jealous, "you don't care" or you are "over sweating"... then why bother writing? Why even mention it? Why comparing the attention others get compared to you?
In order to figure out more in-depth truths about yourself, and come out at the end with more insight (not to say that you haven't, I read your blog always and I can see the changes) you need to be more honest with yourself, and admit your true feelings.

I know is hard. It's scary. but do it!

claire elyse said...

i know what you're saying, & you're right. i guess what i meant is, i DO care, but it shouldn't be important to me. i guess i WANT to be over it. it's not about what SAUCY has going on- it's about ME. i just wish i could summon confidence more often!

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