Monday, May 9, 2011

Hornographic Material

Okay- I admit it. I’m fucking horny. For some reason, my horniological clock hadn’t been ticking in a while, but it’s back on tick-tocking away again. I spent the day with some girlfriends (SAUCY MINX & CUPCAKE) & told them of my hornification plight. They both answered with the same question: “What’s the matter with your vibrator?” I told them my vibrator(s) have been great, but I need to be KISSED. I want to be HELD & PAWED. I need someone to whisper dirty secrets & demands in my ear, to send me a filthy text. I want a guy to take my clothes off… That’s the kind of performance my vibrator just can’t deliver. It’s one thing to roll over, Jill-off & shove your toys back in your drawer- it’s another to run your hands through a man’s hair when his head is between your legs. There’s just something about grabbing a man’s ass to push him further inside of you that pretend-time just doesn’t offer. You know I’m right.
I honestly don’t think I’m going to get laid on May 18th. I DO plan on getting quite drunk. I’ve decided to go for a nice dinner with some of my close girlfriends in Toronto that night. After that, we’re going dancing/drinking. I am going to go to church that day. I don’t know why. SCULLY (of all people!) suggested it- she thought it might be a good idea. I think it could be good, too. I need to take some quiet time, talk to “God” or whoever-the-fuck, & reflect on my past year.
I’ve been thinking about where I was, one year ago today. I was sleeping with this guy who I knew was bad news for me. He didn’t live in this city, he was crazy, & treated me terribly. I hated myself for hanging in there but I kept on doing it. His own friends were telling me I could do better. I was depressed about it. I was furious with myself for investing so much time and heart into this ungrateful, undeserving weirdo- and so many before him. Many of my exes have been wonderful & we’re friends to this day, but several of them have been complete douche-hats. I think my stats are pretty similar to most other women AND men around my age- I’m not trying to be all, “take back the night” or anything.
I had this moment of luminous realization when I knew the only thing I could do was to quit dudes for a while. When one of my weaknesses/addictions starts to make my life unmanageable, I quit it for a bit until I can get a hold of myself. It’s why I’ve quit drinking and drugs for years at a time, or cut out sugar and cigarettes. There’s a time & a place for everything, & at times I need to be reminded of that. I just like everything that feels good all the time & I need to simmer down!
NINE MORE DAYS, & my project is over. If I don’t have sex that night, does it just go on until my boning trysts resume? How am I going to be normal when being intimate with dudes after all of this? Do I have to tell him what I’ve done/haven’t done this past year? Do I not mention it? He might think I’m a freak show, or maybe value his privacy. He might not want me to write about it- even if I do disguise him with an alias. He may get turned off the fact that my sex-life is literally an open book- they will be little mystery about me. I feel doomed. My ego is still pretty bruised from constant rejection in the past few years, & I’m scared at this point, I’ve got zero game OR allure. This past year was safe for me because I had an EXCUSE for being alone. Now I very well may go back to being alone because unrequited love can’t seem to evade me. Great.
I guess I’ll just wait & see what happens. As per uge.


ilovecoolthings said...

365 days. that's a commitment most people can't keep. my new year's resolution was to quit men until April 1, 2011... i went home with someone that night. ahem.
who cares if you can't be 'normal' in front of all these 'dudes'. the better question is - who the fuck are these dudes that command any of YOUR special and precious time?!
remember this - unrequited love is shared by all of us. and if someone has never felt rejected, then you don't want to date him anyway because he'll spend his time talking about himself the whole time.
perhaps the best way to ease into the transition is not to think about the last year as a 'phase' but as you being kind to yourself? getting to know yourself better, enjoying the time you've had with your girlfriends, friends and vibrator!
still.... i fear your quest is not over.. i think perhaps one of the keys is to realize that being alone is REALLY REALLY FUCKING OKAY (especially if you have a cat). ALONE = NOT SCARY.
congratulations. job well done darling. xo

claire elyse said...

thank you SO much for your kind words & inspiration...
i genuinely appreciate it!

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