Sunday, May 22, 2011

Old Me, Meet New Me.

Still nothing.
I went out with SAUCY MINX on Friday night. I rarely go out to bars or clubs on weekends, because I’m usually working (telling jokes). I had the weekend off, so we decided to go get our dance on. It was fun, but there were some curve balls… for example, my ex ALADDIN’s band was playing at the 1st bar we went to. I saw many of my old friends, & I still love his band. We stayed for a while, & though it was jammed with hot dudes, I needed to get out. After admiring ALADDIN’s fiancée’s diamond ring & politely chatting about their wedding plans, (they really do make a lovely couple & I am honestly very happy for them) catching up with old buddies & swaying to familiar tunes, I knew our time at the Dakota Tavern was done. It was nice to be able to give ALADDIN my best wishes, but obviously there was a small part of me that just needed to get out of there. That’s his life now, not mine.
We continued on, snapping in & out of scenester-decorated bars, having beers & a couple of whiskeys at each place. (I know- we’re very classy.) Queen st. west was bustling with young, hot scene-queens, hipsters & randoms with douchetudes. We got a few ogles from men (honestly- they were mostly checking out SAUCY MINX, she really inspires raging-boners) but nothing to make us want to stay & converse with said flirts n’ squirts. We ended up grabbing snacks & coming back to my apartment for some late night cocktails & a sleepover.
I don’t even FEEL like meeting a man, yet. Is that weird? I’m not even that horny… well, I AM, but not enough to just get out there & make it happen. I’m pretty content just the way things are, right now & that NEVER happens. I’m really busy with work-related stuff, & it’s just not a priority. It’s very strange; I feel like I don’t even know who I am, anymore.
I like this new me, though. Maybe someday an honorable dude will like this new me, too?
PS. I signed up for an on-line dating service, but I can't bring myself to reply to any of the men who've reached out to me. What have I DONE to myself, this past year???


bully said...

You set better standards for yourself. Progress, though painful sometimes, is GOOD!

Anonymous said...

The thing about sex is, it's really easy. It's like eating, sleeping; not too complicated, or shouldn't be. With sex, you see someone you think you might like, physically or as a person or both, and you get hot, and you want to do things to them, with them, and then if you both feel that way, you do. Or you CAN.

After having a lot of sex, you begin to realize that sex creates fertile ground for a relationship, but how much actually grows from that ground is a much more complicated question. As great and amazing and necessary as great sex, a great meal, a fantastic sleep are--I'm celebrating them here, not downplaying them; I'm not sure you can't live happily without them--a loving relationship, like art, while it may begin in these small, good things, doesn't end with them. It builds on them. It deepens their significance, their value. But it takes patience, time, discipline, an ability to keep in mind a short as well as a long-term view.

In our culture, we can have what we want pretty much when we want it, when it comes to food, sleep, sex. People typically won't judge us for indulging as much as we like. Our freedom to indulge is even celebrated. Which is good, as far as it goes. But the truth is that real happiness, love, relationship, intimacy, success in life come from building something, making something, and that is a complicated, arduous process that tests body and mind. Maybe where you're at, though, is realizing that it's a process worth being patient for, being disciplined for.

And I think it's safe to trust that you WILL get somewhere, that an honorable dude will be interested in building, making a life with you. And then, even if it's a while in coming, you will have someone to SHARE all those wonderful things--sex, food, sleep--with. Not that you and they won't still be independent, but there will be this part of each of you that also enjoy sharing with each other, and that will have built this place where you can safely and freely share, and just as you will each be excited to go out and do your careers, you will each be excited to return to this ground you've created for each other.

It's possible. Don't despair. A lot of patience. A lot of careful examination, of yourself and of others, which you've gotten much more skilled at this year. Going slow. Waiting to let situations reveal themselves. Not jumping to assumptions. You are not going to FIND everything all at once; to whatever extent you are going to be successful, I would guess, you are going to BUILD what you want, slowly, step by step, with the free participation of another person, each of you risking losing it all, as Kipling says in his poem "If," but building it anyway, and being willing to start over and build it again if necessary. It's not as immediate a gratification, but it is deeply gratifying, and still leaves, in fact creates, a place for all life's easier gratifications, and it will be worth the effort.

claire elyse said...

wow. that's amazing! thank you SO much... it's so nice when people understand & are able to clarify what i find confusing.
i very much appreciate it! xox

Anonymous said...

I'd agree with the above posters - the fact that you aren't in a hurry to get into anything at the moment is probably a really positive sign. You're going to approach your re-introduction to dating with added maturity and self-perception, and I think you'll do well once you get going!

prin said...

I found you through the Globe article (after being mildly outraged at the thought that somebody stole my "manbattical" idea (I had one from Jan 2009 till summer 2010 but I'm ok with it now because every girl should do it... :D).

To jump back into it immediately is a waste of the manbattical. What I did was I established seven vetoers. Seven of my closest people who I could trust to be impartial and to have only my best interests in mind were to evaluate each potential guy. I would present them with both sides of him (which was difficult since I'm the type to sugarcoat and only look on the bright side of guys) and if they saw even the slightest red flag, they'd veto. The point was to teach me how to screen better. I'd start by telling three vetoers and if they all ruled against/for a guy, I'd move to the fourth until I had a majority one way or the other.

There were a looooot of vetoes when I first started, but eventually I caught on and having vetoers also gave me more strength to get out of less than ideal situations too.

You might want to try it. :D

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