Thursday, August 25, 2011

Continuing Chronicles Of The Manbbatical

It’s been three months and a week since The Manbbatical ended. It feels like an eternity ago & paradoxically the time has flown by. SAUCY MINX has been staying with me in my tiny roost & rather than being all up in my grill or annoying, it’s been like a sleepover party every night! Though our cramped living space has the potential to impair our (individual) sex-lives, so far it hasn’t. Besides- SAUCY is the best wife I could ever ask for: she laughs at my jokes/makes ME crack up. She’s a great cook. She’s respectful & aware & has good clothes/shoes to lend me. When I get home after a long night of joke telling she’s waiting for me with deluxe tunes on the stereo, sitting on the couch & offering up a glass of wine & a spliff. SAUCY & I agreed that it’s time to up-date The Continuing Chronicles Of The Manbbatical. Writing this post terrifies & excites me simultaneously.

There are so many great things to report, but certainly not a Hollywood-type ending. I’m clearly a romancer & sometimes psychic- but I can never seem to foresee my own destiny. A big part of me thought I might find the “man of my (wet) dreams” the year I stopped dating, & that everything would turn around- that I would have figured it all out & “fixed” myself by the time the project ended. This did not happen. BAIT & SCULLY remind me (almost daily) that what the Manbbatical taught/is teaching me is a process. Often I feel like I just picked up where I left off before May 18th 2010. I’m just as boy-crazy, still make terrible dating/crushing choices & put myself into amateurish situations as if my sex-less year never happened. Other times I know that I HAVE changed & learned. I’m still working hard, keeping fit/loosing weight, & keeping my eye on the prize in terms of my career & my emotional life. The good news is that although I’m still quite the libertine, I absolutely refuse to let my lusty obsessions cloud my vision of what I have to do to make my overall LIFE better. (SAUCY insists that I COULD focus on finding love & that it could be healthy for me if I did it in an unimpaired way. I’m still not sold.)

It took me a weirdly long time to actually “END” the Manbbatical (explained in previous post). Finally, my hormones got the best of me, & I NEEDED to get laid. I didn’t want it to be with a random stranger, nor did I want to put that kind of pressure on a man that I actually might care for. I decided to hump a friend of mine. We had fooled around before (never slept together, but a finger-blast & titty-feel for sure…) & we’ve always been cool- no weirdness ever involved. Unfortunately, the sex was terrible. It was literally like loosing my virginity all over again. Let me be clear: IT WAS NOT HIS FAULT. We were both pretty/extremely drunk & he may have had whiskey-dick. I definitely had whiskey-vagina (I’m sure it would have felt as fun for him to rub his dong between two bricks). I was grateful that it happened, nonetheless. Though there were no orgasms in sight for either of us, I felt (if anything) I had a little game & a little confidence back. It’s like I was a teenager, again! I had a penis in my vagina- finally! (I forgot how little difference that can make, but only the wisest & stupidest of women never change.) I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to hit that again- if only to prove to him (& myself) that I’m not a horrific lay. I realize how paltry that sounds, by the way.

After that, I ended up sleeping with a comic. (Now is the time when you ask me, “really, Claire? A comic? So… you really DIDN’T learn ANYTHING?!?”) Look. I’ve been a fan of his comedy for a long time & he was forthcoming with his desire to get in my pants. I knew I needed to be fucked properly. I knew I wanted to feel like a WOMAN, again. Judge away, but he gave me just what I wanted. The plus side is that we don’t live in the same city & I never really have to see/deal with him. He’s lovely, hilarious, sexy & fun to hang out with- but the furthest thing from what I would ever want to date for several important reasons. That may sound harsh, but believe me when I say that he & I are on the same page. Here is the good news: I never knew my body was capable of doing or feeling the things he made me feel/do. I look back at the woman I was in my past- the woman who THOUGHT she knew what good sex was, & scoff. This isn’t to say I haven’t had good sex before- but there was something about his body chemistry that rocked me in a brand new way. I honestly felt the earth move- and it wasn’t during that east-coast earthquake.

Since then, I’ve been with a few other lovers. One in particular was lovely. We (also) live in different cities, but while on tour we went out one night & he stayed with me at my hotel. WE (also) had been together before & have a really great connection. The fact is we BOTH travel for a living, so we’re together when we can be & that’s all we will ever be. We actually love each other in our weird way- the only way we can. He’s NOT a comedian & treats me like a queen. He’s ridiculously hot, successful, & is equal parts romantic as he is rough- my favorite combination. I’m lucky to have a man like him in my life. He’s a great reminder that I’m capable of attracting men that AREN’T dirt-bags & that I deserve the best. I don’t NEED him to remind me, but it’s undeniably a nice ego-boost.

A couple of other sexy escapades have occurred, but honestly not worth mentioning. Not because they were bad or embarrassing, but because they are neither here nor there. Whatever that means- but you know what I mean…

So, this is me so far, post-Manbbatical. I still am not in love, nor have I found a man to “settle down” with. I realize now that that isn’t as important to me as it once was. I’m dating & getting laid when I need to. I’m working a lot & that’s fueling the fire under my ass & in my heart. I’ve been spending time with friends & family & enjoying the summer more than I have in years. I’m doing exactly what I love & honestly don’t feel as though I’m lacking much- at the same time as wanting to improve on every level. Which is actually pretty fucking awesome, when you think about it.

Maybe the Manbbatical HAS changed me. Maybe I DID learn something.
By the way, I’ve missed you & I’ve missed THIS.


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