Wednesday, November 21, 2012

It's A Wonderful/Shitty Life

If you read my blog, you know that I've recently suffered a mental/nervous breakdown. For those of you who don't read my blog, aren't you curious to read about this crazy lady's adventures? Let me catch you up, my little anti-blogworms.
I've been bat-shit cray-cray most of my life. By that I mean that I suffer from bi-polar disorder/major depressive disorder/ pre-menstrual dysmorphic disorder/anxiety. I've been hospitalized twice (though it should've been more often, if not my constant dwelling) and have attempted & fantasized about suicide since I was a child. I have taken cocktails of anti-depressants/mood stabilizers/anti-anxiety/antipsychotics since I was fourteen years old, while seeing psychiatrists, psychotherapists, naturopaths, social workers, etc. My latest crack-up resulted not only in being institutionalized, but also in ten treatments of electroconvulsive therapy. At least my life isn't boring…?
Nothing really works in the long-run. I take people's advice, sometimes (though not really any more) recreational drugs and alcohol, and lean on friends and family for support in every way- since it's nearly impossible for me to stand on my own two feet for very long, and I like to distract myself from myself as much as I can. It's very difficult for them. If you think mental illness stinks just for me- know that its infectious, colossal, foul arms reach around everyone close to me. I watch my disease break the hearts, annoy & discourage all the people that I love. It's very exacting being with me. Sometimes awesome, but often shitty. I WILL get paranoid, I WILL be terribly unreasonable and selfish and unfair (I realize we all do, but I can really take it to a professional level). I WILL get depressed for lengthy periods of time and be the biggest dragging bitch you've ever met. That said, I can also be hilarious, talented, smart, fun and trustworthy. You have to ask yourself (if we're to be friends/family) what it's worth to you. I'm not saying that because I'm a nut-case I get a free pass to behave however I like. However it IS extremely challenging for me to function "normally" when I'm not at all well (which isn't ALL the time). I'll most likely never get another date after publishing this post. Maybe a few pity-fucks? Oh well. I can't imagine the dreadful task my loved ones have to take on when dealing with MY illness. They love me in the most hardcore of ways. These people are fucking CHAMPIONS of love and friendship. They stick together like soldiers to serve and protect Clairey and her battlefield.
Sometimes I wonder if it's the PRx drugs or tight pals that are my guardian angel. The problem is, that I don't really believe in angels. I believe in trying to get through the day. In the end, that's all any if us are trying to do.
I think of George Bailey often, about to plunge to his death. *Spoiler alert* He doesn't do it. However it's Clarence the angel's words that I desperately cling to: "Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?"
I just hate it when I touch people lives in a poisoning way. If and when I do, I'm truly sorry.

7 comments:

Marilla Wex said...

Hang on, Claire. The good days hopefully outnumber the bad and if you were a total loser headcase you wouldn't have any friends left. Not the case. xoxo

Amanda said...

You shine and inspire irrepressibly, and you'll continue to do so until we're rich old ladies laughing. Even when you're an old crusty corpse you'll be shining. Up and down again in the wind you'll inspire. Thundering and pissing rain we'll be giggling. Blasted off the earth with the Martians- I'm sure you'll still be making your generous jokes.

AresMeyer said...

I stumbled on this blog and i can't stop reading it. Thank you for writing.

Anonymous said...

heard your podcast episode on Ari's Skeptic Tank... all I can say is wow, sorry that you've felt that way and hopefully you will be better. The shock therapy thing of losing your short-term memory is really something I never would have considered. I hope you continue on a path to recovery and I hope Ari has you on again so that we can get an update. Take care and hang in there.

Etienne said...

Hi Claire,
I went through a deep depression when I was 19. I managed to fix my brain/mind by taking fish oil pills. You may find this stupid/funny but it worked for me. You may have already tried that and more and it may have worked for me but may not work for others or for you but I thought it could maybe help you a bit. A lot of people (like me at that time) do not eat any fat to avoid gaining weight or eat the wrong fat. Omegas 3 (EPA, DHA) in fish oil saved my brain. If I were you, I would also follow a gluten free diet with a lot of organic fruits and vegetables (and maybe some supplements in calcium and magnesium and VITAMIN D3!!!). ;-) Also developing friendships (without talking about your depression too much because for some reason, it is pretty contagious and makes in general people run away), getting involved in social activities helped me a lot to evacuate my stress and paranoia. It took me a few years to rebuild my mind in a positive way and stop worrying too much but now I feel much stronger and happier at all levels.
I hope that these few words will help you a bit or at least make you smile. ;)

Dan said...

Wow

claire elyse said...

to whom sent me the email re: quoting me, yes. please feel free. i hope it's for a nice reason, but that's beyond my control. good luck. c.

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