Saturday, December 15, 2012

My Most Psychopathic Post Yet.

Somebody at a party last week told me I was weird. It might have been a close friend in which case I am flattered. Though it could've been a stranger (and i think it was) in which case my feelings are hurt. On Skype yesterday, my mother pointed out that I was "hyper, to say the least". I love weirdos (look at the company I keep) but for some reason I feel more & more like a psycho. I've looked up to crazy people all my life long: from ballerinas to comedians, poets and painters. I grew up partly/unfortunately believing that if you didn't slice off your ear/screw your step-daughter/stick your head in an oven leaving bread and milk for your children locked in the other room, that you might never create anything beautiful. There are countless examples of this being untrue and I am reminded of them hundreds of times per day. I'm not calling out artistic icons for being psychopaths, and many of them live normal, happy, healthy lives. I'm simply not sure what that even means anymore. Maybe it's because this week in America two separate men have gone on killing sprees in public places or perhaps I'm watching too many murder shows. Either way, the concept of being weird & crazy is illusive to me. Nevertheless, there's a difference between being a diagnosed psychopath & being bi-polar. Both are terrible nightmares. That said, once you begin harming innocents on purpose, shit ain't good. Obviously.
"Psychopath" is a word that I've always loved to use. Its multisyllabic combination of hard and soft consonants drive the point home when referring to someone who's acting like a nut-bag. I realize that (especially) since I suffer from mental illness myself, I shouldn't use this erroneous disease/noun derogatorily. It's not a psychopaths's fault if she/he is unable to feel deep emotions like love or hate, remorse, sympathy or apathy. They were born that way. I will at times refer to myself as a psycho(path), knowing that's not at all my affliction- since I feel afore mentioned feelings deeply. This doesn't justify me throwing the term around, but I've never cared much for politeness (except at the table) and I'm not starting now. I've got mounds of other crucial shit that I'm trying to dig my way out of, so if you don't like my talk then fuck yourself (quite literally, you might be less on edge after). Throughout my recovery process and during my hospital stay, I've had nothing but time to think about how eccentric I am. I know that "we're all a little crazy", but when I do something, I try to see how far I can take it. I try to squeeze every bit of juice out of life and live it to it's highest threshold/lowest abyss. This is an amazing quality when it comes to things like ambition, love or imagination- but equally as haunting when relating to anything harmful (to myself only, I've never had the desire to hurt other people). Whether or not I'm staring at the most cliche of white brick walls caging me in at the asylum or walking down Sunset blvd, 50% of my brain activity centers around questioning my sanity. Maybe you/we all do that? Maybe I'm narcissistic. Maybe I need a hobby. To be fair, it's difficult enough trying to remember what/how my old hobbies were before this last spell of suicidal-ideation and Electroconvulsive Therapy. Maybe I was always shitty at knitting, but I know for sure I am right now. I obviously like to write- but have I always tenth-guessed what came out of my mouth/keyboard? If so- why would I publish it for the public at large? Am I proud, or do I want your attention? Is it so I can help you or the other way around? Did I always prefer TextEdit to Word? Have I always compared life to baseball? If my pajamas kind of look like normal clothes, can I wear them to the bank?
Generally I like to (try) & wrap up my posts with a perspicacious bow. Not today. Today I feel like being a little crazy.


Holly Blue said...

Claire, your words & wisdom,your humor & your humanity, make my life a little better. For that, I thank you most sincerely.
(Also, on the pajama question, I've been there sister!)
Love & light. You f@*king rock.

JD said...

Claire you are as intriguing as you are beautiful! I have always admired you (From afar) and will continue to do so. Just know this, to be eccentric, wacky, off the wall or psycho (as you put it) is only seriously problematic when your not aware of it. You my dear are not only aware, but you take it to a whole new level of understanding, humour and self awareness, that I CAN GUARANTEE will help others understand themselves. Stay gold Claire and keep writing. One final thought, you should continue to compare your life to baseball, after all how many people do you know that actually catch 2 fly balls in ONE GAME..It seems to me, baseball sums you up quite nicely.

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