Saturday, January 26, 2013

Crazy Slowly Going Am I

My mother is currently babysitting me (on suicide-watch) until she drags me onto the plane back to Toronto Monday night. On Tuesday I go back to the mental institution. My best friend always laughs when I refer the The Center for Addiction and Mental Health as "the asylum" or "an institution" , even though technically that's what it is. She thinks I'm making it sound too theatrical. I like the exaggerated dramatic flair because that's where I fit in and reminds me of the torture chamber in The Princess Bride. And metal (music)- which I associate with being crazy. Don't get me wrong, I loves me some SOAD as much as the next guy. However it's not for nothin' that's what they play looped for hours in  actual, current-day torture-chambers. That said, back to the sanitarium I go. In the interim, I'm trying to make it through the day. I can't get it up for much, which makes being in such close proximity torture for my mum. I'm constantly irritated, freezing cold and hypersexual. It's all part of being manic, and I understand that. What's confusing is that I'm so completely depressed at the same time. When I see the Abilify commercial with the lady holding the umbrella I have to laugh. It's just such a fantastical depiction of depression. If she had a gun in her mouth THEN we'd be talkin'…
The thing about people who are manic is that they're really annoying. They're a real pain in the ass to have around. We all try our best to be considerate of the disease. When someone's shrilly spewing complaints and declarations while constantly emanating negativity, manners and compassion eventually lose out. I'm one of them & I've seem it from both ends. The manic side rarely opens up to me, but it never forgets about me. At least the depressed crew are generally quiet. We just want to left alone with our thoughts and suffer privately. That's how I know things are bad. Right now I'm manicky and depressed. I've really wanted to see a couple of my pals here before I get committed again but I can't switch on my "normal" tuner. If my mother wasn't here I wouldn't be talking to anyone. We've had to venture out in public for a few errands and it literally feels like my face is cracking when I force a smile for a cashier or a barista. The crack rides splitting directly to my heart. I can't look people in the eye and I feel rude. I've always thought those who couldn't look me in the eye were liars and not to be trusted.
I had a dream about a very old (dude) friend of mine. He's a very good friend and we rarely see each other (we live in different cities). There's been sexual tension and flirtation over the years, but we never exchanged any kind of bodily fluids. We've always been like two passing ships in the night romantically, but our friendship has never wavered. He's like a brother that I'd have sex with or masturbate thinking about. In my dream we were in love, and I experienced a deep happiness I'm simply not capable of feeling in my current state of consciousness. In the dream we had hot and wet sex. Usually the end of the dream ensues after sexy-time, but in this dream we LOVED each other after. My heart felt like it was going to explode (in the good way). Then larva infested our love-nest and bodies. It was horrifying. I woke up and cried. I usually wake up that way when I'm sick but today hurt me more. I can't even be happy for long in my dreams. I'm subconsciously and fully consciously  obsessed with my death and sadness.
That means that right now, awake or asleep I'm in a manic state as well as a clinically depressed one. This is what it is, people. Right here. I'm a crazy woman. And this is what it feels like to be crazy.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I envy the old guy doll.Be well.XX
shawn

Anonymous said...

You are a very funny person Claire but one's life is not something to Joke about. You need to take a break for 6 months, go here www.emrecovery.org and let your body, head and soul relax for awhile. Clean the impurities from your body and get rid of the vices that control your emotions and your chemical make up. Give yourself a chance, we all want you to be better and our lives will go on with or without you... but I assure you we will all be better off with you around. Take the pressure off for once and realize its ok

Simon Rakoff said...

The higher highs are often coupled with the lower lows in the artistic soul. It can be hard for those who ride a less bumpy road to understand the shocks our psyches have to endure. You are loved. I know it's a cliche but that doesn't mean it's not true. You can count on it to keep you going when your own self love's reserves run low. I hope you can get some relief from therapy and look forward to seeing your real smile again.

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