Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Can't Find A Better Woman

"Everybody sees you're blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow
-Paul Simon Graceland

Firstly, I'd like to welcome & thank all of my new & consistent readers. There's more traffic coming from Europe (probably downtown Europe), China & India than ever before. So… hola & te quiero, little lovers.

Meanwhile, I'm resentfully getting better. I'm wary of my progress & I'm scared to be let out like a normal into the world. I know betterment & happiness are fleeting for me. Though my depression may seem to be evaporating, I can feel it hanging in the air above me, waiting to engulf me & suck the life out of my body to feed itself. It's as if we need each other to live. I feel lost without it, even though I hate it. It's safe and familiar to me, I can hide in it and be left alone for good periods of time. I romanticize it as I smoke cigarettes in my bed (not in the hospital, obviously) and hide under my duvet and hate myself. It's a valid excuse to not be part of life, not do any work and to accept zero responsibility. I can drink, get high, sleep and read to my leisure. I cling to it like a frightened child.
Here in the hospital it's quite the same, except for forced sobriety (day 14), daily various therapies, constant checks & random shakedowns. Sometimes I feel like Clint Eastwood in Escape From Alcatraz. I can put up with it all because (despite myself) I can feel my mood leveling out. It could be the new anti-psychotic added to my cocktail of anti-bad-shit meds. It could be (boring) sobriety. It could be that I'm working out again. It could be because I see my mum almost every day. I know if I work hard and keep patient that I can get well. You couldn't have paid me to consider that two weeks ago.
My fear is that if I have to go through another ideal of this magnitude, I won't make it. I can't do this again. I have to learn to manage my disease properly or not at all.
I simply can not go through this anymore.


Marilla Wex said...

I'm so happy to read this, Claire. Everyone's rooting for you so damn hard. xoxo

Christine K. said...

You got this, Claire!

Christine K. said...

You got this, Claire!

Lisa said...

I'm so happy to read that you feel progress. Keep at it.

Anonymous said...

I really do want you to get better and, having delt with issues of my own, I know what it's like when you're sick. That said, does it bother you that you work and pay taxes in the United States but when it comes time to get decent medical care you migrate back to Canada?

ClaireElyse Brosseau said...

don't want to bore you with my tax or financial situation but rest assured, i pay taxes in canada.

matt said...

Really great to hear you are starting to feel better, Claire.

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