Thursday, February 21, 2013

Tie Me Up Tie Me Down

Sex is nature, and I believe in going along with nature. 
-Marilyn Monroe

Sometimes when people get depressed, they lose their libido. Mine has not been affected in such a way since my late 20s. If you followed my year-long stunt-fiction project "The Manbbatical", you know that I love sex. I like having it, talking about it and thinking about it. At night as I drift off to sleep I try to meditate but my mind only wants to envision me getting boned. Sometimes it's about you (*does not apply to family, also family stop reading now). I think about what the guy is wearing, how he smells, how he's touching me, what he says and how he feels. Sometimes I can orgasm just thinking about it. It's great.
I haven't gotten off in over a month (the last time I got laid). Fortunately for me my last lover was fantastic and I spent a very sexy weekend with him in San Diego where we did not get out of bed. Unfortunately for me I had a massive hypomanic episode right after and crashed into a severe depression- landing me right back here in the psycho-hospital. I was obviously sick to begin with and maybe multiple zenith-reachings snapped the last band holding my psyche together. Is it possible too much serotonin modulation occurred as I came? I sure as hell hope not. If sex broke me then I can't be fixed.
I can't masturbate. I don't know why. I know I'm horny as all get-out but there's nothing to be done. I can't sleep with anyone for lack of privacy and fear. I'm afraid if I have sex with someone while I'm recovering at the hospital I might fall in love or go nuts again. I don't think it would be in my best interest. The lack of intimacy is terribly sobering but not quite as sobering as sobriety. The lack of orgasming is terribly depressing but not quite as depressing as manic depression. I'm scared to touch myself. I'm scared to be touched. The more it evades me the more I want it. The more I want it, the more I want it. Then, the more I want it. Sometimes I feel like it's Chinese-water-torture- but I wouldn't say that to those suffering from PTSD on my ward.
I know I went a year without fucking. I could still jill-off. This is the worst.
There's no cute way to tie up this post. Except to say that now I'm thinking of a sexy man tying me up.


Donna Lypchuk said...

I am thinking an Annabelle Chong thing is in know get too MUCH sex in one day from 100 guys...while lovingly learning to detach ...that way you get Goddess status and the whole "he had so much power over me" thing is broken...

okay laugh now. Donna Lypchuk

Anonymous said...

So happy to be a new fan. Claire rocks!

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